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Football supporters have risked causing uproar in Liverpool after asking the Anfield faithful whether they ever think about hugging Roy Hodgson just a little bit. In a heartfelt letter sent by the League Managers Association fans raise doubts over the retired P.E teacher’s treatment and ask members of the Kop whether they are holding back supplies of his medication.
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Anfield is to be sold to a group of travelling performers called the ‘Russian Circus’ the DA understands after executives finally accepted that it hadn’t hosted a legitimate football game since at least 2007. The council had been urged to turn down the proposal to turn the historic stadium into a giant circus gazebo on the basis that Liverpool FC might actually do something good again one day, but protesters threw in the towel last night after witnessing their side lose to what can only be described as Wolverhampton Wanderers.
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Want away Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has left 15 years worth of England backroom staff absolutely gobsmacked, after claiming the reason he doesn’t celebrate goals is because he feels ‘it’s a strikers job to score.’ Having closely studied the rule book since, current England boss Fabio Capello immediately apologised to the public for picking forwards based on their ability to win headers, fall over and miss penalties.
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Chelsea Football club look set to dismiss European Cup Winner Carlo Ancelotti and quickly replace him with either Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew or Blackburn Rovers’ managerial prodigy Steve Kean, in a move that will officially confirm the sport of football as f***ing mental. Stamford Bridge owner Roman Abramovich was sharpening the knife last night after Chelsea flopped to another league defeat against Arsenal and the Russian now believes only somebody with the pedigree of Steve Kean can possibly turn the club’s fortunes around.
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Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed he is not concerned with Wayne Rooney’s goal drought, admitting there is a clause in the England star’s contract that says he won’t score goals for less than £500,000. The former Everton front man tried to convince United to part with £1million a week to cover running, passing and scoring but was eventually haggled down to just the £250,000 for the effort of putting on a shirt and getting a bit cold.
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In no way is this a cheap substitute for actually doing some work on Christmas Eve but we’d be mortified if we forgot any of the important landmark events that took place this year. In a little under 365 days we had it all, from John Terry’s infamous crossing of a Bridge, to Emile Heskey’s international retirement. Relive it all here, in wonderful HD…
January
Man City consider 50% tax on all season ticket holders
Portsmouth leave players in box by side of the M27 Continue reading »
Campbell vows to improve bench warmth by 20%
‘But you don’t even own any oil’ says West Ham
The FA have appointed David Bernstein as their new national scapegoat just in time for the former Manchester City chairman to take the flack for a congested Christmas fixture list disrupted by bad weather. Bernstein, who said his top priority was not to be caught bonking his secretary, has been a director of Wembley stadium since 2003, although he admits that he now faces a considerably bigger challenge.
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The DA was today spreading completely unfounded rumours that Fabio Capello has taken the occupied/vacant post at Inter Milan in the hope that if enough people say it, it might actually come true. In a desperate attempt to see the Italian leave the England setup before Christmas a handwritten letter signed by a ‘Mr Benitez’ has been sent to Sky Sports News convincing them that the former Liverpool boss has indeed been sacked. The signature is actually from the hand of Mr Juan Benitez, a local butcher from Clapham.
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Manchester City star Carlos Tevez has decided to retract his transfer request after being shown a full scale diagram of what £30million pounds actually looks like. The Argentinean forward reportedly dropped to both knees, began kissing his snood and told City executives that ‘his family could wait another ten years or so’ adding ‘how important is it really to see a child growing up?…Lots of crying and whining really, when you think about it.’
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Rumours are surfacing from Italy that former Liverpool physiatric unit escapee Rafa Bentiez has been sacked from his role as Inter Milan boss. Inter president Massimo Moratti claimed he could cope with the crazed bosses’ ‘dressing room sock puppet performances of A midsummer Night’s Dream’ and the ’sexist abuse hurled at the club’s water machine’ but had to draw the line when Benitez called Wesley Sneijder a ‘poor man’s Dirk Kuyt’ and ordered the star man to punch himself in the face repeatedly as punishment.
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