Gareth Bale is everything you’re not, it was revealed last night, by thousands of swooning journalists who believe the player can bring an end to violence in the Middle East, and finally get round to fixing the hole in the ozone layer. Despite the News of the World already sending hookers to Bale’s hotel rooms, and Manchester City leaving bundles of money outside his front door with a business card attached, football pundits truly believe he is the man to reunite North and South Korea.
‘In terms of left backs who can rescue cats from trees and fly he’s certainly the best one out there at the moment’ claimed Gareth Iluvtoomuch, a reporter from ‘the Welsh pen pal.’ He added ‘Name me another player who has X ray vision and the ability to turn things really, really cold with his breath? And if that’s not impressive, the guy can use both feet!’
Harry Redknapp has insisted that the player belongs at Tottenham but admitted it can be tough keeping track of his whereabouts due to his busy moonlighting schedule making the world a better place. ‘I told him to have a few days off the other day only to find out he’s over planting trees to save the rainforest and uncovering the chemical formula to turn bronze into gold. Did I mention the guy can use both feet?! Unreal.’
Want a pair of Mitre shinpads? We’re giving some away in our ‘name that nutter’ quiz on the DA’s Facebook page. Simply guess the three stars making up the uber nutter below and post the names to our Facebook wall. We’ll take all the right answers on Friday and pick a winner.
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