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The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
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Mark Clattenburg has been locked in Sir Alex Ferguson’s freezer enough times to risk disallowing perfectly reasonable goals.
I’m Becky Taylor, I own 432 pairs of shoes, I’ve watched the Sex and the City box set 27 times, and I heart Matt from the X Factor. I’m determined to disprove a stereotype so here are my knowledgeable Premier cup predictions for this weekend (I’m the living the dream SJP!)
What was with the Carlsberg Cup this week? I don’t get why that’s a cup. You already have the Premier Cup, and the FA Cup…What’s different about winning this cup? I’m guessing you get loads of beer for winning but TESCO are doing 20 cans of Carlsberg for £10 near me and football players get paid enough to get at least a few boxes so just put your feet up for a night and watch Come Dine With me or something!
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Russia have been forced to apologise to England in front of the whole class after telling them that they smell. The tiff is believed to have started when England pushed in front of Russia in the canteen queue during lunch hour, only for Russia to shove England to the floor and insist ‘your mum.’ Following a brief meeting with the headmaster, the squabble is thought to have been resolved with thankfully no need to get parents involved.
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The DA’s Richard Cutcher brings you some of the funniest football video clips doing the rounds this week:
Throughout history deserters have faced horrific consequences. This Tunisian ‘keeper got away scot-free after leaving the field of play, and allowing his defenders to perform a miracle escape…
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The owners of much beloved Paul the Physic octopus, claim he was one day away from a big pension payout and a move to the south of Spain before he tragically died yesterday. The world cup phenomenon, who unbelievably predicted that Germany would claim an unheard of victory against England, is believed to have died of a mussel overdose, after his addiction became uncontrollable.
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There are simply too many cameras in football now to not use more referees, is the verdict from head madman at UEFA, Michel Platini. Platini also believes that more footballs should be used to avoid dangerous tackles and that the offside rule should be based on the late work of Bertolt Brecht to stop anymore confusion in the game.
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Manchester United striker Javier Hernandez confused the nation last night after to claiming to have played for something called ‘the team.’ The Mexican forward popped up twice to score the crucial goals in United’s victory at Stoke whilst star striker Wayne Rooney was rolling around in his own money at a hotel complex in Dubai. When interrupted to be told the score Rooney replied ‘that doesn’t look much like a mojito in your hand does it waiter?’
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David Cameron has spent the last week or so fending off claims from just about every side of Britain that he is a complete t***. The word fairness has been sprayed around like a fire extinguisher, desperately trying to put out growing flames of discontent and unhappiness. Whether you agree or disagree with his decisions, one thing you can not deny is the pressure the Prime Minister faces to keep everybody satisfied. He runs a country, which by all accounts is about the biggest and toughest job around. David Cameron then, must want to throw the word fairness in somebody’s face when he hears that Wayne Rooney is going to earn almost double in a week, what he makes in a year!
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An angry mob gathered outside Wayne Rooney’s £4 Million pound mansion have asked him if he’ll consider leaving the keys, and the security code to the entrance gate, when he departs for Real Madrid. The gang of around 20-30 hooded supporters started chants of ‘can you leave your white goods Wayne?’ and ‘bedroom number one, shotgun shotgun number one’ at around 20:30 on Wednesday evening.
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The DA’s Richard Cutcher brings you some of the funniest football video clips doing the rounds this week:
In case you were pre-occupied with some other small piece of football news this week, here’s LeeCattermole’s valiant effort to earn Britain a third diving medal in a month.
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