The DA

Heavy criticism of this season’s ‘confusing’ Champions League draw has led to UEFA making an early announcement on next year’s Champions League draw director. Sylvester Stallone will replace Frenchmen Didier Getite who entitled yesterday’s ‘masterpiece’ Un Gâchis (English translation – a f***ing mess). UEFA president Michel Platini said Stallone would bring a ’sense of clarity to proceedings.’

‘He’s promised just to blow things up, you know, keep it simple. I think the plan so far involves the top seeded teams being launched from a bazooka and being grouped with whatever they set on fire. It should certainly make the draw a bit more open, and there is the distinct possibility that the whole thing could be wrapped up in a matter of minutes, which would make a welcome change to the standard week or so process we currently find ourselves locked in.’

Stallone has a poor history in terms of captivating football draws, including the critically slated Auto Windscreen Shield draw of 1994, which saw Stallone take out the entire population of Rochdale using a machete and a Mars Bar, but the Hollywood director believes he can turn his reputation around. ‘Let’s make film’ the Rocky star claimed adding ‘Champions league good. This easy for Rocky. Here, hold this grenade. JUMPPPPP YOU SON OF A B****!!!!!’

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