The DA

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has reportedly locked himself in his office and is refusing to come out until a real player signs for his North London under 15s side. The Frenchman was left cursing endlessly at Theo Walcott last night with onlookers claiming to have heard rants like ‘why can’t you just be a real boy Pinocchio?’ and ‘f*** nap time would you?! Just f*** nap time!’

The Gunners lost out to Liverpool on the signing of Joe Cole yesterday, and whilst fans were quick to blame the defeat on money demands, rational people were quick to point out that Liverpool are financially s*****d and still regularly attend the Wirral car boot sale clutching Kevin Keegan and Kenny Dalglish under their arm.

Barcelona captain Cesc Fabregas said ‘it’s a real shame for Arsenal to keep missing out on players like this, I really feel for them. I’m sure they’ll probably sign some 12 year old defender from Cardiff or something before the end of the window but who knows if that’ll be enough. However, if you’ll excuse me I must get back to my beachside pool and let these senoritas rub oil all over me, they’re getting cranky.’

England chief Fabio Capello is facing calls to resign today after details of an unsuccessful stint at Derby County during a game of Football Manager 2010 were made public. The Italian is said to be furious after online gaming competitor ‘mclarenrockz’ distributed reports of Capello’s poor performance to the press and has threatened to say lots of stereotypical Italian phrases like ‘Mama Mia’ until someone finally gives him some money to go away.

The Derby County game in question saw the England manager release Robbie Savage on a free to Scunthorpe only to have him score a last minute winner in the computer generated playoff final. He also made a £3 million pound bid for Aston Villa forward Emile Heskey only for the game to freeze and crash under sheer confusion whilst playing a generic 4-4-2 system that saw Derby fall to 23rd in League 2, before finally being given the sack. He was reportedly offered a job at Conference south side Basingstoke but opted just to play FIFA instead.

The FA have now admitted they will have to reconsider his position as England’s head coach. A spokesman declared ‘we often use Football Manager to make new appointments so ignoring this would be somewhat ignorant of us. It really is a great game that stops the need for us doing any scouting at all. We just log on and get told who the best up and coming manager is and then approach them. Simple as. Steve Mclaren was a blip but apparently some lad called Iain Dowie is going to be the next big thing…Bring on Euro 2012!’

There were scenes of wild jubilation around England yesterday evening as emotional fans hit the streets to celebrate Emile Heskey’s retirement from International football. Trains stopped, flights were grounded and motorists on the M6 caused major road delays as drivers, hearing the news on the radio, leapt out of their vehicles and started doing the Macarena on top of their cars.

Workers in banks and high street shops were sent home early and neighbours in some of Britain’s busiest streets began embracing each other and starting huge games of alcohol fuelled Twister. Prime Minister David Cameron, who was informed of the news via an aide, stopped parliament to say ‘you know what? F*** it, no new taxes today. Go home and buy your husbands and wives a slap up dinner.’

Supporters flocked to an all night party in Trafalgar square which included live music and a show reel featuring highlights of Emile Heskey’s England career. The video, which featured the goal against Germany in a 5-1 win, and the press conference announcing his retirement can now be purchased on DVD for a mere £5.99. One buoyant fan took time out of running through a water fountain to say ‘we’re free. F***ing free! No more will he opt with Heskey? That’s gone. It’s over! Now we just need someone to prove Bobby Zamora is actually German and we’re rocking. Woooooooo!!!!’

Thierry Henry has checked himself into a retirement home following France’s dismal display in the 2010 World Cup. The former Arsenal star realised it was finally time after his bionic hip gave way for the third straight season and the forward became considerably better than any of his fellow squad members at dominoes. The ‘MLS retirement retreat’ has proved very popular with ex-European stars in the past and Henry said it was ultimately his private 7 storey house and endless wheelbarrows of money that swung the decision.

‘I’m aware of the history of the MLS, and the New York Red Bull wing. Back in my day you couldn’t really keep informed because the wireless didn’t report from overseas but little Johnny Sparrow once came back from a stint in the navy and told me that America was this big and wonderful place. All bright eyed he was, and straight away I knew one day I’d visit this place. And now here I am, ready for a sponge bath and to be trained in the art of using a bedpan without having to even move from my chair.’

Henry has strongly denied rumours that he may be forced to actually play football during his retirement adding ‘I’ve learnt from the best. What you do is tell the house manager that you feel a little niggle in your groin and that you probably need to sit in the garden for a while to recover. Then, out comes the scotch, the dominoes and my vinyl collection of the Andrews sisters. Simple as.’

Football league clubs have been quick to announce that they intend to once again operate a strict policy of ‘no fun’ in their stadium stands this season. The briefing follows the news that Southampton football club have become the latest team to ban vuvuzelas, beach balls and conversation in order to ‘ensure enjoyment for the fans.’ Other clubs have yet to enforce a strict ban but stadia such as Everton’s Goodison Park have warned that turning up with a vuvuzela will result in a big flash light following you around the ground and a brief to all local hooligans to urinate on your car.

A St Marys spokesmen said ‘we have a proud record here at Southampton of no noise since 1995. I think the last time we heard a mutter was when Matt Le Tissier hit a fifty yard volley into the top corner, after which we allowed fans the opportunity of a gentle round of applause. It really was something else I can tell you. The atmosphere was electric!’ He added ‘how can you start a nice family chant like ‘the referees a w****r’ when you’ve got a great big trumpet in your mouth. Are we supposed to just give these officials a free ride now? They’re tw**s!’

The Premier league have thrown their weight behind the decision by publishing a list of things now banned inside Premiership stadiums. They include fireworks, Starbursts, both Hardy boys, thoughts of women in the shower, Carlton Palmer, Rambo boxsets, car keys, fizzy drinks, children and supporters earning less than £60,000 per annum.

The Dutch have called an 11am news conference this morning with a view to naming martial arts expert Jackie Chan as their new national coach. Chan had been heavily involved in preparations for the 2010 World Cup, taking up the unofficial role of Chief Kung Fu-ist but following high acclaim from senior squad members is set to be given the nod for the top job.

Chan brings to the game a wealth of experience plus, some pretty awful films where Owen Wilson pretends to be a cowboy, and midfielder Nigel De Jong said he can’t wait for the Euro campaign to get underway. ‘Jackie has taught me that kicking a ball is for amateurs. Why not cut out the real danger man and take out your opponent first. To begin with I never thought I’d be able to get my foot that high without doing a groin in but it turns out, with a little bit of deep heat applied, I can almost take a players head clean off.’

Meanwhile, the BBC and ITV have been criticised for airing last night’s World Cup Final pre-watershed after receiving over 200 complaints from viewers relating to violent material. Moana Lott, a mother from Shrewsbury said ‘it was sick really. My son said he wanted to watch ‘Vampire Killers 4: A Thirst for Pain’ but I told him just to watch the football like a normal boy. When I came in the room I thought he’d disobeyed me at first. And then I saw Gary Lineker give a half time rundown of the vampire’s strategy. Shocking stuff.’