Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson believes David Ngog could have been better than ‘Saša Ćirić in his prime’ had he been given the chance to ply his trade in the Macedonian Prva Liga. The comments followed Ngog’s brace in the opening preliminary group game of the qualifying stages to qualify for the Europa Ligue qualifiers in August. Ngog sliced through the Rabotnicki Skopje defence like a knife through nothing giving Hodgson’s men a real chance of progressing in what would be considered a real European scalp.
The former Inter Milan boss said ‘wow, I’ve seen players hold their own against Macedonian defences before but tonight was something else. That boy Ngog is going places I can tell you. Yeovil tomorrow for example, he’s got a medical there.’ He added ‘I think it shows the quality we were up against tonight when you can play Lucas as your talisman in midfield and come away with a 2 goal victory.’
The Anfield side rested 10 first team players on their trip to Macedonia and when questioned on the victory Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard said ‘we were playing where? F*** me we’re s***! I wish Real Madrid would get a f***ing move on and buy me a town sized villa. I’ve heard we’re about to sign Luke Young for crying out loud. Who the f*** are we, Tranmere Rovers?’
SPL officials have lodged an official complaint to UEFA after claiming that forcing a Scottish Premier league team into a Champions league match was just as brutally inhumane as ’setting up and watching a car crash.’ Celtic were made to participate in the European qualifier despite worldwide condemnation off UEFA’s sheer ignorance, to expect any sort of even match up.
Hoops manager Neil Lennon said ‘when will UEFA stop turning a blind eye to this sort of treatment. Finishing second in the Scottish Premier League should not give a passage into Europe. At best it should guarantee you a place in next season’s Scottish Premier League. These guys are playing Motherwell 8 times a season. I don’t know if you’ve even seen Motherwell try and play a football match, but let me tell you, beating them 8 times should give you no disillusion of success. Beating Motherwell is like pushing a button on the TV remote and seeing your TV turn on. You’re not pleased that it turned on, it’s simply the minimum requirement of your TV remote to justify being called a TV remote. It’s science.’
Further outcry is likely to follow, with Glasgow Rangers being forced into group stage Champions League football, meaning 6 games of utter, utter humiliation. Campaigners are calling for UEFA to simply give the place to the fifth place finishes in the Moldovan league, to keep the credibility of the tournament alive, whilst Scottish fan groups are asking whether or not Rangers playing Motherwell in the outer regions of Russia would technically count as a European game.
Diego Maradona will return to his position as a super villain’s quirky henchman, after negotiations broke down to continue as Argentina head coach. Secret layer owner Francisco Scaramanga said it would be like a ‘breath of fresh air’ to have Maradona back on his island adding that the ‘calibre of coke, and naked women to snort it off’ just hadn’t been the same since the little man’s departure.
Maradona will now be focused on World domination, using a stolen Soviet missile taken during a routine training exercise off the coast of Matsushimi, whilst servicing the lavishly expensive needs of Monsieur Scaramanga. The World Cup star said he couldn’t wait to return to duty and said the feeling of setting up ‘that first conference call with the President to inform him of our demands’ would be ‘as sweet as winning the World Cup all over again.’
The news has alerted Roger Moore who has been forced by MI6 to check out of his retirement home and get measured up for a designer tux. Moore said ‘I hope he doesn’t throw any hats or sharp objects, my eyesight’s not what it was. I also hope to God too that I don’t have to do another Mexican standoff with Scaramanga. It takes me about half an hour to turn round these days. I’d settle for a laser to the nut sack though. Haven’t used those things in years anyway.’
Football fans have asked nicely that Premier League clubs maybe don’t change their kit every two weeks, according to reports. A fans group has come together to plea with commercial managers to limit new kit offerings to at the very most once every six months, in order to give their children a realistic chance of going to university.
Head of the group Rip Meoff said ‘it was bad enough when all those Russians with the long names came over here, like that lad Thisisgonnabeexpensiveov at Bolton, and we had to fork out a small loan just to get him on the back of our shirts. But the fact Spurs have decided to have a new kit for each day of the working year is pushing it just a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll buy it. After all, I don’t want to be one of those idiots with an old sponsor’s name still on their shirt. How ridiculous do they look? Ha!’
All 20 Premier League teams have changed shirt design this year and Manchester United have set a global record in planning to use 29 different away shirts for just one campaign. Scientists at Old Trafford even claim to have invented shirts that carry both X and Y chromosomes, making it possible for the shirts to reproduce offspring.
Roy Hodgson has given the strongest indication yet that Liverpool’s Fernando Torres could have played his last game for the club after admitting ‘his beef is with the club, not with me.’ It is thought the long standing stumbling block relates to the Spaniard being tricked by George Gillett to give up his prize winning cow, which he was walking to market, for a handful of magic beans that eventually sprouted a Lucas Leiva.
The standoff between the board and player is now believed to be over the unharmed return of the striker’s prize asset ‘Maisy’ before the start of the Premier League season, which could prove difficult according to Anfield legend Kenny Dalglish. ‘The American’s invited me over to discuss the situation over an absolutely gorgeous rump steak. They said to me “listen Kenny, the cow’s gone.” I said “where to?” to which they both just sat there awkwardly and wiped with their mouths with their napkin. They seemed really reluctant to give up the location of this so**ing cow!
Torres is now likely to complete a move to Manchester City, who have promised him as many cattle farms as he can possibly fit into one 8 storey mansion. City boss Roberto Mancini said ‘we’ve agreed to make the changing room cattle themed and we’ve even put in a 25 million pound offer on an award winning dairy farmer from Sweden to make Fernando feel at home. Make no mistake, there’s no magic beans here. We’re far too astute with all of our transactions. Just ask Yaya Toure…’
Good day to you eavesdroppers, it is I Dr Magicsponge, here to break all kinds of patient confidentiality laws once again (for anyone who can correctly tell me just how many I’m breaking, a bag of under the counter perscriptions await you). Yes I, like the NHS, have been ring fenced for the 2010-11 season to help those moaning, whinging, sissy things we know and love as footballers solve their countless dilemmas and sexual preferences. And as we’re about to find out, pre-season can be a very difficult time for the incredibly unstable…Read on…
I think I may have somewhat of a problem. Last season I inherited a team destined to win a title. Not necessarily because they’re good, or well supported. But because they have more money falling out of their pockets than Mr Monopoly in a wind tunnel. My owners will literally throw money at anything…Anything. Just a few days ago one was driving to our training ground in his favourite Ferrari when he came across a small puddle in the middle of the road. Did he carefully edge around it? No. Did he pay someone to remove it? No. He infact decided to build an entirely new training complex on top of a hill, and called to let us know the old one was being demolished. Unfortunately Micah Richards was listening to his IPod and didn’t make it out in time. I always said he was slow.
My issue here is that the guys with the money keep looking at me, like a puppy begging for food, as if to say ‘we’ve done our bit Roberto, can we have a treat?’ And I just look around to see my players having fifty pound note fights in the dressing room and flushing entire wads of cash down the toilet, betting on who can clog up the draining system first, all the time thinking to myself, we’re really not very good. I mean, if you’re a team expected to win the title you really shouldn’t be able to look around the side and see Stephen Ireland getting geared up for action should you? (What’s with his head by the way? I don’t get it…)
I fear the owners are soon to turn on me when they discover that we’re not very good. Should I flee the country now?
I wouldn’t worry about fleeing the country. Sounds to me like these guys could have you tracked pretty easily. Perhaps at best you could have a sex change at one of those back alley clinics they may not know about (I know several if you opt for this) but even then your odds of escaping the country without the tackle you entered with on your passport are slim. Let me ask you Roberto, with all your money, in your great wisdom why did you just not have Stephen Ireland put down? It really isn’t that pricey a procedure for somebody with your wealth…
You’ve heaped it all on yourself really. Maybe buying some good players would’ve helped. Maybe players who actually wanted to fight for the cause, rather than racking up expensive plumbing bills with wads of cash. Always remember though it could be worse. I heard recently that Yaya Toure (the s*** one of the two) had recently joined some sucker club on £220,000 a week. At least you’re not them!
I wish you luck Roberto, I really do. And just one more thing to think about. Your name sounds very Italian. Have you not thought about bribing your opposition with all that money of yours? Your team can be as bad as they want but always remember people like Titus Bramble are ready and waiting to score some own goals for a bit of a pay off. Infact, more often than not, he does out of the kindness of his heart.
Former Tottenham boss Martin Jol will be staying at Ajax after members of the Dutch club’s board discovered that a dirty rag of chloroform more often than not prevents a person from catching a flight on time. Jol, who was working from his brand new office chained to a radiator in a cellar just under the team’s training ground said he was ‘completely neutral’ to the idea of two more years in Holland before adding ‘for the love of God, get help would you?! All they’re feeding me is leftover cornflakes!’
Jol had been keen to secure a move back to London but a deal was scuppered when the Dutchman realised he was being followed round by a team of ex Soviet assassins with a sighted laser pointing directly towards his forehead. Trying desperately to board a flight Jol was struck by a tranquiliser dart and awoke in the middle of an Ajax training session with a whistle glued to his mouth. It’s been reported that the players were dressed in Fulham kits and a cardboard cut out of Mohammed Al Fahad waving was positioned behind the goal, in a bid to convince Jol the switch had been completed.
The Craven Cottage club will now turn their attention to a new manager and Al Fahad said ‘it’s great that our new boss will now know, without question, that he was at the very least our second choice. Unfortunately the news about Martin has seen Alan Curbishley and Iain Dowie throwing themselves at the door again but so far we’ve managed to keep them subdued using a bone scented with the smell of failure.’
The Football Association have announced that ticket prices for England’s friendly against Hungary on August 11th have been cut to ‘would you come in if we give you this fiver?’ after the national side’s dismal display in the 2010 World Cup. Club England managing director Adrian Bevington refused to confirm how many tickets had been sold for the match but did speculate that the number was ‘around 7′.
Bevington commented on the Club England website ‘we appreciate fans feel royally f***ed over by these whining, overpaid failures and we also appreciate that England Hungary is a pretty f***ing awful spectacle at the best of times. Further still, we are fully aware that none of the players will be trying very hard because its 4 days before the start of the Premier League season, which is obviously far more important and that Hungary are only likely to bring a second string 11 because, hey, it’s only England they’re playing isn’t it?’ Wow, this is actually really hard to sell huh?’
Wembley officials have been quick to alert fans that vuvuzelas will be allowed into the ground, as they’ll drown out the ‘painful, painful silence’ during match play. A member of Club Wembley, Abso Lute-sucka commented ‘I’ll probably go, mainly because it’s always just been a good excuse to leave the wife with the kids for a couple of scream filled hours. But I’ve asked the FA if they can put Eastenders on the big screen whilst the match is on. They seemed very keen on the idea actually. They said that’s what they’d be watching anyway so it’s worked out quite nicely.’
Bayern Munich ace Franck Ribery has sent out a stern warning to complacent consumers to always check the label before purchase, after the French international was mis-sold a faulty, under-aged prostitute. Ribery claims that ‘nearly all’ shoppers assume that what they’re buying is over 18 but was quick to stress this is often not the case.
‘I’m an innocent victim in all this’ he said, ‘I was just looking to have some fun and do something completely legal like hiring a prostitute. But, because of one stupid slip, I now found myself doing something illegal, like sleeping with an under-age prostitute, and facing 3 years of being rogered by frustrated French convicts every time I reach for the soap. So next time you go to get a hooker, at the very least check the sell by date.’
When questioned on the subject, Ribery’s lawyer clutched her hands to her face and said ‘oh c*** what’s he said now? I deserve better than this you know? I got an outstanding achievement of merit at law school. The guy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. When I invoiced him my fee he called me to ask if I definitely wasn’t an under-age lawyer…Please, someone direct me to the nearest bridge. I need to contemplate some things.’