The DA

Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson believes David Ngog could have been better than ‘Saša Ćirić in his prime’ had he been given the chance to ply his trade in the Macedonian Prva Liga. The comments followed Ngog’s brace in the opening preliminary group game of the qualifying stages to qualify for the Europa Ligue qualifiers in August. Ngog sliced through the Rabotnicki Skopje defence like a knife through nothing giving Hodgson’s men a real chance of progressing in what would be considered a real European scalp.

The former Inter Milan boss said ‘wow, I’ve seen players hold their own against Macedonian defences before but tonight was something else. That boy Ngog is going places I can tell you. Yeovil tomorrow for example, he’s got a medical there.’ He added ‘I think it shows the quality we were up against tonight when you can play Lucas as your talisman in midfield and come away with a 2 goal victory.’

The Anfield side rested 10 first team players on their trip to Macedonia and when questioned on the victory Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard said ‘we were playing where? F*** me we’re s***! I wish Real Madrid would get a f***ing move on and buy me a town sized villa. I’ve heard we’re about to sign Luke Young for crying out loud. Who the f*** are we, Tranmere Rovers?’

Diego Maradona will return to his position as a super villain’s quirky henchman, after negotiations broke down to continue as Argentina head coach. Secret layer owner Francisco Scaramanga said it would be like a ‘breath of fresh air’ to have Maradona back on his island adding that the ‘calibre of coke, and naked women to snort it off’ just hadn’t been the same since the little man’s departure.

Maradona will now be focused on World domination, using a stolen Soviet missile taken during a routine training exercise off the coast of Matsushimi, whilst servicing the lavishly expensive needs of Monsieur Scaramanga. The World Cup star said he couldn’t wait to return to duty and said the feeling of setting up ‘that first conference call with the President to inform him of our demands’ would be ‘as sweet as winning the World Cup all over again.’

The news has alerted Roger Moore who has been forced by MI6 to check out of his retirement home and get measured up for a designer tux. Moore said ‘I hope he doesn’t throw any hats or sharp objects, my eyesight’s not what it was. I also hope to God too that I don’t have to do another Mexican standoff with Scaramanga. It takes me about half an hour to turn round these days. I’d settle for a laser to the nut sack though. Haven’t used those things in years anyway.’

Former Tottenham boss Martin Jol will be staying at Ajax after members of the Dutch club’s board discovered that a dirty rag of chloroform more often than not prevents a person from catching a flight on time. Jol, who was working from his brand new office chained to a radiator in a cellar just under the team’s training ground said he was ‘completely neutral’ to the idea of two more years in Holland before adding ‘for the love of God, get help would you?! All they’re feeding me is leftover cornflakes!’

Jol had been keen to secure a move back to London but a deal was scuppered when the Dutchman realised he was being followed round by a team of ex Soviet assassins with a sighted laser pointing directly towards his forehead. Trying desperately to board a flight Jol was struck by a tranquiliser dart and awoke in the middle of an Ajax training session with a whistle glued to his mouth. It’s been reported that the players were dressed in Fulham kits and a cardboard cut out of Mohammed Al Fahad waving was positioned behind the goal, in a bid to convince Jol the switch had been completed.

The Craven Cottage club will now turn their attention to a new manager and Al Fahad said ‘it’s great that our new boss will now know, without question, that he was at the very least our second choice. Unfortunately the news about Martin has seen Alan Curbishley and Iain Dowie throwing themselves at the door again but so far we’ve managed to keep them subdued using a bone scented with the smell of failure.’

The Football Association have announced that ticket prices for England’s friendly against Hungary on August 11th have been cut to ‘would you come in if we give you this fiver?’ after the national side’s dismal display in the 2010 World Cup. Club England managing director Adrian Bevington refused to confirm how many tickets had been sold for the match but did speculate that the number was ‘around 7′.

Bevington commented on the Club England website ‘we appreciate fans feel royally f***ed over by these whining, overpaid failures and we also appreciate that England Hungary is a pretty f***ing awful spectacle at the best of times. Further still, we are fully aware that none of the players will be trying very hard because its 4 days before the start of the Premier League season, which is obviously far more important and that Hungary are only likely to bring a second string 11 because, hey, it’s only England they’re playing isn’t it?’ Wow, this is actually really hard to sell huh?’

Wembley officials have been quick to alert fans that vuvuzelas will be allowed into the ground, as they’ll drown out the ‘painful, painful silence’ during match play. A member of Club Wembley, Abso Lute-sucka commented ‘I’ll probably go, mainly because it’s always just been a good excuse to leave the wife with the kids for a couple of scream filled hours. But I’ve asked the FA if they can put Eastenders on the big screen whilst the match is on. They seemed very keen on the idea actually. They said that’s what they’d be watching anyway so it’s worked out quite nicely.’

Bayern Munich ace Franck Ribery has sent out a stern warning to complacent consumers to always check the label before purchase, after the French international was mis-sold a faulty, under-aged prostitute. Ribery claims that ‘nearly all’ shoppers assume that what they’re buying is over 18 but was quick to stress this is often not the case.

‘I’m an innocent victim in all this’ he said, ‘I was just looking to have some fun and do something completely legal like hiring a prostitute. But, because of one stupid slip, I now found myself doing something illegal, like sleeping with an under-age prostitute, and facing 3 years of being rogered by frustrated French convicts every time I reach for the soap. So next time you go to get a hooker, at the very least check the sell by date.’

When questioned on the subject, Ribery’s lawyer clutched her hands to her face and said ‘oh c*** what’s he said now? I deserve better than this you know? I got an outstanding achievement of merit at law school. The guy is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. When I invoiced him my fee he called me to ask if I definitely wasn’t an under-age lawyer…Please, someone direct me to the nearest bridge. I need to contemplate some things.’