The DA

Millions of football fans worldwide were left trying to remember what was happening today after awakening from a semi conscious state consisting of sofa cushion grabbing and excess drool. Supporters had tuned in to witness the grand opening of the World Cup with performances from the Black Eyed peas, amongst other big names, putting on a concert in celebration of the tournament. But onlookers, including 30,000 inside the Orlando Stadium, fell into a comatose trance roughly 20 minutes before the end of the gig with some, in a zombie like state uttering ‘hips do not lie’ over and over again.

Colombian star Shakira had been set to perform, but no one can actually remember if she arrived. One South African fan said ‘I was really enjoying the show and then all of a sudden I just remember being transfixed by some hips that appeared on stage. I stared at them for a really, really long time, I recall that bit. But when I turned around the stadium was empty and the cleaners were mopping up the set.

Outside the stadium, supporters were just as confused. Lifelong England fan Terry Lion had arrived in Johannesburg from Birmingham yesterday. ‘I know we came for some reason. I got my face painted and had a tattoo of Emile Heskey done on my right butt cheek but I simply can not remember the purpose of this trip. Does anyone know which hotel I’m booked into? Or where my son is?’

weprobablyshouldn’tknowthis.com is reporting that ambassadors based in London and Washington have raised the stakes ahead of Saturdays England V USA World cup clash by betting nuclear weapons and key members of Government on the result. It is understood that should Emile Heskey score in the 4th minute and England go on to win 3-0 overall, Barack Obama will be the new English Prime Minister.

A 2-1 win for the USA will see Manchester become an official American state whilst a 1-1 draw would force both countries to declare war on Russia. Aides to UK Ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald said ‘it’s all a bit of fun really. We like to poke fun at how they always say “offense” when referring to an attack and other crazy s*** like that. So we thought, why not risk International relations by calling them a bunch of steroid consuming half wits and bet that England will wipe the floor with them come Saturday.’

The DA understands that some slightly stranger events this weekend could result in UK’s soaring debt being paid off completely by Washington. Should Wayne Rooney score 9 own goals in the first 10 minutes dressed in only a tutu, the White House has reportedly agreed to buy former Prime Minister Gordon Brown for $70billion dollars. President Obama said ‘I collect quirky doorstops…He’d be a good one.’

Engineers at Loughbrough University have hit back at criticism of the new World Cup ball by insisting they have designed the most ‘consistently delicious tournament ball of all time.’ The Jabulani design has come under fire for being built entirely out of unwanted Easter Eggs left around by students on University campus but chief engineer Bob Balls said goalkeepers should have no problem catching, with the stickiness of Cream Egg filling giving them a huge advantage.

‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about’ said Balls, ‘players keep moaning about the ball bursting into small pieces mid flight, but if they look carefully enough we filled each ball with a small toy so I really can’t see the problem. FIFA wanted the most exciting tournament in years and Fernando Torres trying to build a little micro machine that goes from Cuddly lion to a fierce looking street racer in the six yard box is surely just that?’

Sepp Blatter has denied the ball is designed to help lower ranked footballing nations, such as hosts South Africa, by making it impossible for a good player to actually kick a ball. ‘Look, no one is going to be able to kick the thing. But this summer isn’t about football. It’s about lot’s of advertising space for Coca Cola, which gives me lots of money. Now just stare at Lionel Messi and applaud would you?’

The BBC have taken a huge stride in the World Cup ratings war against ITV, by actually hiring REAL pundits to comment on this summer’s tournament. Harry Redknapp and Roy Hodgson, both successful Premier League managers will now be assisting Alan Shearer to nod at things Gary Lineker says, and encouraging Alan Hansen to shake his head in disgust whilst offering their own insight into matches.

ITV have yet to respond to the news but did gaze over to Adrian Chiles in makeup and say ‘I think we’ve got a problem here.’ So far, the struggling television broadcaster has got away with the tactic of picking up homeless football rejects from the street and dressing them up in semi expensive suits. Gareth Southgate and Andy Townsend are quite content to sleep in the Storage cupboard and demand very little in the way of expenses. They may now be forced to review this strategy.

A spokesmen for the channel said ‘whilst Adrian, Gareth and Andy do give us something, a bad smell if nothing else, we may need to up our game. It is quite clear that Adrian knows more about semiconducting polymers than he does football whilst the mere mention of penalties obviously causes huge tension in the studio. As for Andy, well he just keeps turning up, there’s not an awful lot we can do really. We even tried to give him his own ‘tactics truck’ once to keep him away from the building but he insisted on coming inside.’

Tom Cruise has backed David Beckham to play in the 2014 World Cup finals, predicted New Zealand will come out victors in South Africa, and then gnawed off his own leg to feed his young nest of starlings Heat magazine can reveal. Cruise, who denied not knowing much about football, said ‘David can play until he’s 73 if he wants too. Have you not seen the six million dollar man? In Hollywood limbs are like car batteries, easily replaceable.’

Cruise was speaking after narrowly missing out on a place in the USA’s last 23 and said he was heartbroken to be missing the big kick off in 9 days time. ‘I’d rehearsed and rehearsed but when it came down to it, you can’t practise height and Bob Bradley told me that a 4foot3 actor is not the ideal player to fill in at centre half.’

Beckham, who is currently out injured, will travel with the England team to South Africa in a role that is yet to be decided. Beckham believes he can still be a great asset to the side. ‘It’s a confidence thing I guess. If you’re 1-0 down at half time against the Spanish in the semis who would you rather look round and see in the dressing room? Me, David Beckham, master of football, fashion and global icon, or Emile Heskey sweating buckets like he’s just been in a 12 rounder with a goalpost?’