The DA

The UK was last night put on suicide watch after the whole nation became desperate enough to start rooting for a referee to make it to the World Cup final. Rotherham born Howard Webb received heavy praise after becoming the first official to not make one f*** up in the space of 90 minutes prompting a really, really sad campaign to get him to the pinnacle of referring, a chance to f*** up properly in the final.

Sainsburys have started selling Howard Webb flags at a retail price of £9.99 and cars everywhere are being fitted with horns that sound exactly like football whistles. Replica Howard Webb shirts are flying off the shelves and thus, accordingly being booked for diving. JJB ‘walker arounder doing nothing’ assistant Paul Spotty said ‘it’s really great to see. I thought we’d hit the lowest possible ebb after losing to Germany but apparently there is lower. All our customers are wandering around booking each other and clamping down on two footed queuing. It’s very, very amusing.’

Webb now faces a difficult looking quarter final against absolutely no one…because he’s a f***ing referee. Fans will be hoping that he can shake off a niggling wrist strain to be fit in time for the big event…oh I’m sorry, I simply can’t do this. Can’t we just all support whoever’s playing Germany?

England’s lead Nan lookalike Fabio Capello has insisted he wants to remain England manager until somebody gives him 6 million pounds to go away. In a heartfelt press conference the Italian said ‘um, sorry I do’ne understand question. Do I get money now?’ Calls for Capello to resign have been rife after the former Read Madrid boss decided to play a formation hand selected by his four year old Grandson using a combination of Lego bricks and ‘post Rusk drool.’

‘Grandson very smart. He take big Heskey like brick and put on top of Rooney. That no work but he mumble momuwwww and I take it as Defooooeee. In future, he go to good college and maka me very proud.’ Capello insists he’ll only walkaway should the FA provide enough compensation to redecorate his kitchen and upgrade his yacht. He added ‘if Steve McClaren got funds for lessons on the that brilliant Dutch accent he has, at the very least I expect a golden toilet.’

The FA have defended their policy of c***ing up every single time they are called upon, claiming ‘hey, we’re on summer holiday here. Stop calling, it distracts the hookers.’ They deny that despite having more money than any other country to spend on youth development and managerial selections that they are currently doing the job of a crack addicted monkey with a broken typewriter. In other news, Chris Waddle has finally gone mental…

England star Wayne Rooney has confirmed the inevitable and finally put media speculation to bed by agreeing a 3 year deal to host the popular ITV chat show GMTV. the Show’s producer claimed Rooney had been hand picked from a pool of very talented presenters due to his ‘natural ability in front of camera’ and his ‘effortless good looks.’

He continued ‘We’re watched by thousands of bored housewives waiting for the plumber to come round amongst many other demographic groups, such as lazy students trying to recall why there’s a road sign in the lounge and scrounging benefit thieves who don’t fancy working. Wayne is the friendly face that everyone wants to wake up to and we can’t wait for him to get started.’

Rooney celebrated the announcement last Friday, giving his first live performance directly to camera. Scientists are still mulling over the dialect of his transmission but an educational group from Cambridge University believes the communication was meant to suggest his happiness with the new deal. ‘So far we’ve translated “Morning” and “after break” but we’re still putting together the rest of the puzzle. Technology can only do so much.’

Dublin saw wild scenes of celebration last night, after the Republic of Ireland’s World Cup campaign officially became more successful than if they were actually playing in it. France’s defeat to Mexico ensured that literally everyone could laugh relentlessly at Thierry Henry and confidently add clever insight such as ‘if we were playing we would’ve won.’ Whilst most pundits agree that this would of course never be the case, they are quite happy to go along with the Irish claims in a bid to mock the French as much as possible.

BBC pundit Alan Shearer concluded ‘if Ireland were playing, they’d definitely have won that at least 5-0, probably a Paul McShane hat trick I expect. If only Henry hadn’t punched the ball virtually into the net, France could’ve avoided looking like a bunch of untalented tits in view of the entire world. Oh well, C’est la vie ey?’ Gary Lineker added ‘it’s such a shame isn’t it, seeing grown men looking so pathetic and ridiculous…No, wait, it actually isn’t at all is it? It’s bloody marvellous!’

Patrice Evra is now likely to be inducted into the Republic of Ireland hall of fame, becoming their most successful captain of all time. One Irish fan said ‘never have I seen one man bring so much joy to one country. If I ever bump into Raymond Domenech I will give him a great, big hug. I can think of no one more deserving right now, to receive a giant pint of Gusiness and a pat on the back. Well done sir, thank you….thank you.’

Safety fears have been raised by both the Italy and Paraguay camps questioning the logic of South African ground staff laying invisible bear traps on pitches to stop the threat of wild animals entering the field of play. Players involved in yesterday’s group F opener were visibly affected by the traps, constantly being caught in their painful grip and falling to the floor in absolute agony. It was first thought that perhaps they had been tripped by opposition players but replays showed at no stage, did either side get close to touching each other.

Groundsman Gotcha’u Basterde defended the wildlife deterrent saying they had no lasting effects on humans. ‘It’s a real temporary thing. You feel a shot of pain before almost instantly feeling better. It’s just supposed to make the animal flee. I can’t describe the sensation. It’s like one minute dead, next minute, fit enough to run 60 yards with a ball at your feet. Does that make sense?’

Italian freestyle midfielder Simone Pepe was furious though, claiming the ground staff’s decision had made him look like an ‘embarrassing idiot.’ ‘I felt it hit me instantly. I clutched my face in agony, signalled for the physio to draft up my will and started to follow the white light. Then all of a sudden, I felt fine, better than I had before in fact. My family were so worried.’

Football fans were last night trying to pretend like they weren’t impressed and muttering something about wars under their breath as Germany took to the field to interrupt an Australian barbeque. In that really annoyingly efficient thing they always do, the Germans made mince meat of the Aussies in their opening group game leaving many pundits saying ‘oh let’s just get it over with. You win on penalties. We cry, you win yadayadayada.’

Manager Joachim Loew was typically nonchalant about winning telling the press ‘oh that? Yeah we’re pretty good at that. I didn’t even notice to be honest. I was too busy stroking my perfectly positioned hair and wondering whether I should give my impeccably fashionable jumper its 9th iron of the evening.’

Head of English fan club Terry Lion said ‘it must get boring having strikers who score goals and goalkeepers who can catch. What do they talk about down the pub? Their team quite literally picks itself. Call me old fashioned but I’d much rather endlessly curse into my pint of beer at crucial mistakes and be proud of the fact that we, as a nation, once had the likes of Chris Waddle and Des Walker in our first team. Cheers.’