The UK was last night put on suicide watch after the whole nation became desperate enough to start rooting for a referee to make it to the World Cup final. Rotherham born Howard Webb received heavy praise after becoming the first official to not make one f*** up in the space of 90 minutes prompting a really, really sad campaign to get him to the pinnacle of referring, a chance to f*** up properly in the final.
Sainsburys have started selling Howard Webb flags at a retail price of £9.99 and cars everywhere are being fitted with horns that sound exactly like football whistles. Replica Howard Webb shirts are flying off the shelves and thus, accordingly being booked for diving. JJB ‘walker arounder doing nothing’ assistant Paul Spotty said ‘it’s really great to see. I thought we’d hit the lowest possible ebb after losing to Germany but apparently there is lower. All our customers are wandering around booking each other and clamping down on two footed queuing. It’s very, very amusing.’
Webb now faces a difficult looking quarter final against absolutely no one…because he’s a f***ing referee. Fans will be hoping that he can shake off a niggling wrist strain to be fit in time for the big event…oh I’m sorry, I simply can’t do this. Can’t we just all support whoever’s playing Germany?
England’s lead Nan lookalike Fabio Capello has insisted he wants to remain England manager until somebody gives him 6 million pounds to go away. In a heartfelt press conference the Italian said ‘um, sorry I do’ne understand question. Do I get money now?’ Calls for Capello to resign have been rife after the former Read Madrid boss decided to play a formation hand selected by his four year old Grandson using a combination of Lego bricks and ‘post Rusk drool.’
‘Grandson very smart. He take big Heskey like brick and put on top of Rooney. That no work but he mumble momuwwww and I take it as Defooooeee. In future, he go to good college and maka me very proud.’ Capello insists he’ll only walkaway should the FA provide enough compensation to redecorate his kitchen and upgrade his yacht. He added ‘if Steve McClaren got funds for lessons on the that brilliant Dutch accent he has, at the very least I expect a golden toilet.’
The FA have defended their policy of c***ing up every single time they are called upon, claiming ‘hey, we’re on summer holiday here. Stop calling, it distracts the hookers.’ They deny that despite having more money than any other country to spend on youth development and managerial selections that they are currently doing the job of a crack addicted monkey with a broken typewriter. In other news, Chris Waddle has finally gone mental…
Bringing you the top 3 World Cup gems we’ve stumbled upon this week. Please send in anything you’ve seen on your travels. Tweet it to us @matchoftheda or post it on the Facebook wall. It makes it all the easier to borrow other people’s content…
3. Vuvuzelas on tour
Very, very funny article this. All we can say is, there’s always two sides to one story. Who knew just how selfish football was being? Bet those 600 hundred people who complained to the BBC about the noise of vuvuzelas feel silly now. And also hugely sad. Please, go outside, take a walk. Perhaps don’t write an angry letter everytime you have a thought in your head. They may say differently, but I can assure you no body cares.
2. On the same subject…
This is in for the absolute stupidly that it could even be a concept in the first place. Wimbledon has banned vuvuzelas…No s*** Sherlock! Apparently you also can’t bring drum kits, fireworks or nuclear weapons in either…Who knew?! Distracts the players or some bull like that. And you won’t believe this one either. They’re thinking of banning vuvuzelas in snooker halls and on major golf tournaments. Oh the Nanny state in which we live.
The Independent – Vuvuzelas banned from Wimbledon
1. Please, please Mr Capello
Quite a selfish one here but I can’t help but reiterate the point. Here goes one more time. Fabio Capello…Emile Heskey is s***. He can not, repeat CAN NOT kick a football. Please just watch this short clip and know that it doesn’t have to be this way. Mutants are created for a reason. And they can win World Cups. Pleeeeeeaasee!!!!
England star Wayne Rooney has confirmed the inevitable and finally put media speculation to bed by agreeing a 3 year deal to host the popular ITV chat show GMTV. the Show’s producer claimed Rooney had been hand picked from a pool of very talented presenters due to his ‘natural ability in front of camera’ and his ‘effortless good looks.’
He continued ‘We’re watched by thousands of bored housewives waiting for the plumber to come round amongst many other demographic groups, such as lazy students trying to recall why there’s a road sign in the lounge and scrounging benefit thieves who don’t fancy working. Wayne is the friendly face that everyone wants to wake up to and we can’t wait for him to get started.’
Rooney celebrated the announcement last Friday, giving his first live performance directly to camera. Scientists are still mulling over the dialect of his transmission but an educational group from Cambridge University believes the communication was meant to suggest his happiness with the new deal. ‘So far we’ve translated “Morning” and “after break” but we’re still putting together the rest of the puzzle. Technology can only do so much.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Fabio Capello doesn’t like these hard questions. I no longer speaka de English.
David Beckham is pleased that he got a better rating from most national newspapers than any other England player, without actually playing!
Emile Heskey thinks he’s got the hang of this. Kicking a football’s pretty straight forward when you think it through.
Wayne Rooney misunderstood. He confused the sentence ‘likes to play with Heskey’ with ‘play like Heskey’…
Sven Goran Eriksson is thinking, how you say in England, hahahahahahaha
Dublin saw wild scenes of celebration last night, after the Republic of Ireland’s World Cup campaign officially became more successful than if they were actually playing in it. France’s defeat to Mexico ensured that literally everyone could laugh relentlessly at Thierry Henry and confidently add clever insight such as ‘if we were playing we would’ve won.’ Whilst most pundits agree that this would of course never be the case, they are quite happy to go along with the Irish claims in a bid to mock the French as much as possible.
BBC pundit Alan Shearer concluded ‘if Ireland were playing, they’d definitely have won that at least 5-0, probably a Paul McShane hat trick I expect. If only Henry hadn’t punched the ball virtually into the net, France could’ve avoided looking like a bunch of untalented tits in view of the entire world. Oh well, C’est la vie ey?’ Gary Lineker added ‘it’s such a shame isn’t it, seeing grown men looking so pathetic and ridiculous…No, wait, it actually isn’t at all is it? It’s bloody marvellous!’
Patrice Evra is now likely to be inducted into the Republic of Ireland hall of fame, becoming their most successful captain of all time. One Irish fan said ‘never have I seen one man bring so much joy to one country. If I ever bump into Raymond Domenech I will give him a great, big hug. I can think of no one more deserving right now, to receive a giant pint of Gusiness and a pat on the back. Well done sir, thank you….thank you.’
It’s not often you stumble upon something so brilliant that 99.9% of the population will claim it’s completely made up (allegations that would of course, stand up in court). So when the DA came across this not necessarily, in some forms, maybe yes, maybe no, who knows, perhaps, not quite, definitely is, fictional diary of former England head coach Sven Goran Eriksson we were absolutely delighted. Sit back DA fans, and enjoy the ramblings of a very huggable cad…
Wednesday 16th June, 2010
Well, what week it has been for me’s truly. Once again I shut up those who say my teams have the potentials for great flowing football by successfully training new squad of players, the Super Elephants, to (as the Ingerlish say) “Parks the buses”. Who would think two such attacking teams as slimy Portuguese and mighty Ivory Coast could play out kind of rubbish 0-0 draw I saw during my times at Nottingham’s County. I AM TACTICAL GENIUS!
Where to begin…well, first I manage to keep glorious Super Elephant’s Captain Mr. Drogba off pitch for nearly all game, even though he only suffer strained wrist in “accident” (if ask me, he needs to give up that habit, or will go blind). Even when he emerge, he move like Emile Heskey after Nandos e.g. sloth. Same rule goes for non-adventurous full backs – I picked the ones who reminded me most of Ingerland legendary defence player, Chris Powell. Slow, clumsy and “dull as dishwater”. Only player who allowed to attack is Lille player Gervinho. I haven taken him under wings and allowed him to run as much as he likes for next few games. I feel sorry for him, as his hair is silly – centre-parting with Alicia band! WTF?
Sure, we had a few “scaredy” moments, like when well groomed transsexual Mr. Ronaldo knocked ball onto bar from 24.3 metres. But apart from that, Toure brothers control game like bull seamen controls long, flowing locks belonging to me – slick! Having watch last night game between Brazil and strange cult named DPRK, feel much confidence for Super Elephant’s progression, as long as opposition score enough own goals (not looking forward to having to score goals ourselves – its really tricky). As for Cult Peoples of Korean Republic, they seem to have based stubborn defensive performance on mighty Ivory Coast. Will consider patent in morning…
Outside of Ivory Coast matters, had pleasure to meet lovely Dutch ladies after game between Netherlands and Denmark. Many attractive lovelies in group and nice orange mini-skirts too; gave me horn, and not talking about vuvuzelas…(ha, ha, ha, must tell this one to Tord!). Offered many free Bavarian brand beers, but when asked if had tickets for Ivory Coast vs. Brazil, had to say “No” as had sold complmentary tickets on for for nice profit to man with only one leg. They shrugged and one Dutch lady said “Oh well, we’ll try Robbie”. Very strange! Took one girly home though, so night success after all.
She still here now so must stop writing (getting funny look). Hope she leaves soon, as not slept in two days. Getting too old for this. Bavaria makes me sleepy time…
End of entry…
As seen in ‘Hot Gossip!’ magazine Becky Taylor brings her insight to the DA
Its Cup of the World time and I’m determined to get involved, after all, it does only come round once every year. So I’m putting my DVD boxset of Sex and the City in the cupboard for the summer, swapping my cosmopolitan for half a pint, and watching the action in South Africa. I’m Becky Taylor, and this is my guide to Football…
Seriously guys, is this what you call entertainment? I’ve seen plays better than this. And not those passable ‘film into plays’ that they make (the Lion King is so cool!). I’m talking pretentious, student plays where everyone smears fake blood on their face and starts shouting weird things at the audience whilst a strobe light flashes on an off in the background. What exactly was Uruguay v France supposed to be? Forgive me if I’m sounding stupid but I thought the aim was to try and get the ball in the goal?! At no point did I see anyone trying to do this.
‘Maybe that was a one off Becky’ I thought to myself, in that cool kind of monologue way that Sarah Jessica Parker pulls off so well. But no. It turns out, absolutely no one wants to score a goal. Our net keeper Bob Green felt so sorry for the Americans that he let them score a pass. I was also slightly alarmed to see our blocker guy Jason Carragher being beaten for pace by countdown conundrum Jozy Azlteridore (and another vowel please Carol) who used to play for Hull United. Now I know nothing about football, but I know that being beaten by a Hull United player is not a good sign.
Talking of knowing nothing of football, The DA asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving my insight into potential World Cup winners now that we’ve seen almost everyone play (Spain aren’t that good anyway are they?). So I’ve devised the ‘Becky Taylor lack of knowledge performance chart’ or the LOKP chart in short. My own chart, how very exciting! The score is very scientific, based upon:
1) how quickly team players can run up and down the pitch
2) how well a net keeper can catch a football
3) how nice the kit is
4) who kicks the ball in the nicest way
5) who has the best legs
It’s like a 5 step guide to success, I learnt it from a diet once. Although, with this chart, eating chocolate is fine, so long as it doesn’t affect a players legs, or so long as the player doesn’t spill it down a nice kit. Anyway, so far the LOKP looks like this.
1) South Korea
Let me know what you think. I very nearly snuck in North Korea because that boy crying was sooo cute. But, they were a little bit rubbish so it would’ve been a quite unfair on Never-lands. What a weird name for a country btw, sounds really depressing doesn’t it?
Anywho, speak soon lovelies
Safety fears have been raised by both the Italy and Paraguay camps questioning the logic of South African ground staff laying invisible bear traps on pitches to stop the threat of wild animals entering the field of play. Players involved in yesterday’s group F opener were visibly affected by the traps, constantly being caught in their painful grip and falling to the floor in absolute agony. It was first thought that perhaps they had been tripped by opposition players but replays showed at no stage, did either side get close to touching each other.
Groundsman Gotcha’u Basterde defended the wildlife deterrent saying they had no lasting effects on humans. ‘It’s a real temporary thing. You feel a shot of pain before almost instantly feeling better. It’s just supposed to make the animal flee. I can’t describe the sensation. It’s like one minute dead, next minute, fit enough to run 60 yards with a ball at your feet. Does that make sense?’
Italian freestyle midfielder Simone Pepe was furious though, claiming the ground staff’s decision had made him look like an ‘embarrassing idiot.’ ‘I felt it hit me instantly. I clutched my face in agony, signalled for the physio to draft up my will and started to follow the white light. Then all of a sudden, I felt fine, better than I had before in fact. My family were so worried.’
Football fans were last night trying to pretend like they weren’t impressed and muttering something about wars under their breath as Germany took to the field to interrupt an Australian barbeque. In that really annoyingly efficient thing they always do, the Germans made mince meat of the Aussies in their opening group game leaving many pundits saying ‘oh let’s just get it over with. You win on penalties. We cry, you win yadayadayada.’
Manager Joachim Loew was typically nonchalant about winning telling the press ‘oh that? Yeah we’re pretty good at that. I didn’t even notice to be honest. I was too busy stroking my perfectly positioned hair and wondering whether I should give my impeccably fashionable jumper its 9th iron of the evening.’
Head of English fan club Terry Lion said ‘it must get boring having strikers who score goals and goalkeepers who can catch. What do they talk about down the pub? Their team quite literally picks itself. Call me old fashioned but I’d much rather endlessly curse into my pint of beer at crucial mistakes and be proud of the fact that we, as a nation, once had the likes of Chris Waddle and Des Walker in our first team. Cheers.’