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Avram Grant has written an open letter to Portsmouth fans explaining that leaving a club entering the Championship, with debts of £120 million, a ground that wouldn’t even be used for landfill, no obvious buyers, a s*** kit, David Jame’s hair and a Michael Brown, was by far and away ‘the easiest decision he has ever had to make.’
‘West Ham came to me and said, Avram, you can have lots of money, a Premiership team, a London pad and homegrown quality like Scott Parker and I said, well I kind of like Portsmouth. Have you ever seen Belhadj? He has a really funny shaped head, and I like to look at it.’
‘But they just kept on saying Michael Brown, again and again. Eventually I cracked and realised how obvious the decision was. I once had to decide between having a quickie with my hot Israeli neighbour whose husband had just nipped out for bread or mowing the lawn. I would put the difficulty of this decision on a par with that one.’
The DA is pleased to once again welcome back our very own faith healer, who will be giving his predictions on how each of the 32 teams involved in this year’s World Cup will fair. He prefers to remain anonymous, so as not to upset the spirits. With that in mind, you should know it’s definitely not Glenn Hoddle. His identity has been protected in this article using clever mind tricks that you wouldn’t understand.
Ladies and Gentleman, its Hlenn Goddle!
Hello again Plebeians. Step into my metaphorical throne room…close the door behind you…excellent.
For those of you who were unable to resist a glimpse into the World Cup ether last week (where I disclosed the futures of the teams residing in Groups A & B), prepare yourself for another dip into the salty pool of the unknown as I reveal…Groups C & D. I hope you brought your Speedos (if not, I’ve still got Darren Anderton’s pair!)
Group C
ENGLAND
USA
ALGERIA
SLOVENIA
Group tarot reading: The Fool – “Represented by a lanky streak of p*** doing ‘the robot’, the Fool has the unique talent of being able to both entertain and infuriate in equal measure, leaving onlookers to ponder the unthinkable (“Where’s Emile?”)”
The force is strong with this one. The spirits seem to have a good feeling about a certain non-ex-soviet, European team in this group. Sparks, flags and plastic chairs look set to fly as 22 brave lions (and a smarmy c*** called Ashley) strive to conquer all before them. Can they do it? Well, let’s just say that for one month only this June my half-man, half-octopus deity is an Englishman!
Opposing powers of evil may seek to hinder the progress of our heroes by parking a bus-like energy field in front of their vulnerable “goal-hole”. But fear not non-believers – fluid loss shall be kept to a minimum. The star of Lineker has departed from its treacherous orbit around the “Mail-maelstrom”, and the creatures of the shadows assure me that Clint Dempsey and Landon Donovan really are freakish one-offs (albeit, two of them).
Sacred Talisman: The love-child of Shrek and a slab of concrete aka Mr. Rooney
Omen of doom: Landon Donovan’s colossal “five-head”
False Idol: “T*** of the Year” John Terry
Group D
GERMANY
AUSTRALIA
SERBIA
GHANA
Group tarot reading: Wheel of Fortune – “Otherwise referred to as the “Grab a blindfold, spin yourself round and round, point at random and there’s your winner” sign. Represents uncertainty…lots and lots of uncertainty”
The completely non-partisan spirits have watched on with some pleasure as Bavarian bravado has been dampened by a swift kick in the ‘Ballacks’, which has left the competition more open than my self-help session’s door-policy.
Bizarre beer-swilling, barbecue munching barbarians from the east look set to descend upon unsuspecting athletes for an impromptu game of “kick the head off the opposition” (Tim Cahill’s specialty), whilst late-night tea-reading sessions lead me to believe that Serbia were right to call it a day with those pesky Montenegrins. Meanwhile, African hopes will be dashed after a missed penalty, as although Kevin-Prince Boateng can incapacitate the entire German team if he so wishes, unfortunately he still can’t take a penalty for toffee (which, ironically, was one of the substances involved in the prediction process – for a list of the others, please visit my cookery site at www.cookingwithhumaneffluent.co.uk).
Sacred Talisman: Michael Essien
Omen(s) of Doom: Brad Jones, Rhys Williams and Scott McDonald (all play for Middlesbrough, and are therefore tainted).
Shape of the day – A square…but without the sides.
Who do you fancy next week…Groups E and F? Ok then, let’s push the boat out!
Spirit love, slovenly masses!
Hlenn (your dark, yet amorous Lord)
South African officials are desperately trying to explain a breach in airport security that allowed undercover reporters to smuggle Gary Neville into the country unchallenged. Journalists managed to hide Neville in their hand luggage and despite several security checks, were not once questioned about being in possession of a complete t****r.
Head of security Ooppes Missed’it said ‘we have a strict no Neville policy at this World Cup and we must investigate just how this happened. My understanding is he had trimmed his moustache and was wearing a novelty hat but either way, our airport teams should’ve known better. Especially after being put on Jamie Carragher red alert.
Reporters were also able to get a life-sized, inflatable Iain Dowie onboard the Boeing 747 leaving cabin crew members shocked at the lack of protection. ‘Lets get one thing clear’ said stewardess Mila Highclubbe, ‘if anything can bring a Boeing 747 down, it’s Iain Dowie. That guy could sink a boat on land. How someone at security level hasn’t seen this is quite beyond me.’
As seen in ‘Hot Gossip!’ magazine Becky Taylor brings her insight to the DA
Its Cup of the World time and I’m determined to get involved, after all, it does only come round once every year. So I’m putting my DVD boxset of Sex and the City in the cupboard for the summer, swapping my cosmopolitan for half a pint, and watching the action in South Africa. I’m Becky Taylor, and this is my guide to Football…
I was so embarrassed last week when I looked up the word Honduras to find out it was actually a country! And they’re in the same World Cup group as Spain… Surely that’s like Manchester United playing Wales? (Incidentally, I looked at all the groups and couldn’t see Man Utd anywhere, did they not qualify? That’d be good for England wouldn’t it?)
This week my focus has been on understanding a match structure. I’ve always been intrigued as to why in World Cup months Eastenders is constantly delayed, as the BBC is usually pretty good with scheduling, all things considered. There’s not many worse feelings than tuning in to see how Peggy Mitchell will react to the news that Phil’s killed Danny’s daughter’s boyfriend using Peggy’s own set of kitchen knives she let Danny borrow, only to be presented with an over running football match that seems to be timing well over the designated 90 minutes…Can a referee just forget to call full time? Because that would be so embarrassing wouldn’t it? Saying that, I’ve never seen Terry Wogan deal with an angry letter about a referee’s time keeping on Points of View so that can’t be it.
Why do all World Cup matches get decided by penalties too? Surely that makes the whole game pointless. Just take penalties from the off, when all the players aren’t tired. That way they have more chance of scoring. I don’t think I’ve ever seen England win a penalty shootout so maybe we should propose something else. Like, at the end of the game we could count up who’s had the most shots… Or who has the cleanest shirts. Surely that’s more fair, if you insist on actually playing the whole game first. If not, just have a round robin of penalty shoot outs and we could conceivably have a World cup winner by the end of the day. I’m sure Eastenders viewers wouldn’t mind being disrupted for just one day…Depending on how good the plot lines were at the time.
I think I’d be good at taking penalties. People talk about pressure but at the end of the day it’s only a game and it doesn’t really matter does it? I think I’d just aim for one of the corners. I don’t know why they all just don’t do that. Or more to the point, why the goalkeepers don’t just stand in the corners. They must expect that’s where the ball is going to go.
Anyway, that’s all from me this week. I’ll be spending the week getting my head around ‘formations’ so if anyone has any advice, would be great to hear from you. Tweet me @dabeckytaylor and we’ll talk football…Starting to get confident saying that now. And once again, very very sorry to Honduras. I will make it my aim to come and visit your fine country. Do you speak English? And have you heard of a shop called the GAP? These are both very important to me when arranging travel plans.
B
FIFA last night confirmed that they are looking to tap into Lord Triesman’s personal mobile number and stick mini web cams around his house, in a bid to get him to say more funny stuff. The news will come as a bitter blow to the FA who hoped that distancing themselves from the funny stuff would ultimately stop FIFA from wanting more funny stuff.
But FIFA president Sepp Blatter said ‘I loved the bit about the Russians, how very Cold War. Apparently he really hates the Portuguese too, so we’re playing Lord Triesman bingo here in the board room. I’ve gone for him saying that Cristiano Ronaldo is made out of 95% wax and that the Spanish are planning another armada.’
In a bid to get the World Cup bid back on track, the FA have announced radical plans to clone a team of David Beckhams to tour the globe and pose for pictures. A spokesmen said ‘infrastructure pimfastructure, look it’s David Beckham!! He’s famous you know?’
The DA today launched a campaign against the f****** Daily Mail (b*****) after finally having enough of undercover reporters sticking their filthy noses in places they don’t belong, and being told daily that anything…literally ANYTHING you do gives you cancer. In fact, according to the Daily Mail, if you are reading this right now, you should go get yourself checked.
The news comes after the Sunday Mail decided with all it’s wisdom to single handily destroy England’s World Cup bid in order to sell some awful, awful papers full of absolute horse s*** which 80% of the population wouldn’t even use as toilet paper, at the risk of making their bottoms dirtier.
This year the Mail has reported no less than 84 incidents of ‘crisis’ including a ‘Pop Tart shortage’ and a sore head ‘epidemic.’ It’s called a headache you f****** w*****s. People get them all the time!
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Fabio Capello thinks damn the FA, damn them for taking away my index. Back to Football manager for me!
David Beckham has handed in his 2018 World Cup essay. I drew a picture of a football on the front and everything.
Raymond Domenech thinks his method of picking players by staging a ‘World Cup lottery’ may have backfired…Bad draw.
Ashley Cole is so pleased to have two new medals to put in the cupboard. That should replace Cheryl shouldn’t it?
Lord Triesman loves to slur those Johnny foreigners. Up yours Spain! Up yours.
A report by Mintel has revealed that 63% of those asked are likely to eat more, drink more and curse at the French ’significantly more’ during the month of World Cup action this summer. 23% of fans will place a bet on Emile Heskey scoring the winner in the World Cup final whilst the remaining 77% will laugh at them.
Conductor of the survey Loade Pollocks said ’sport can be a significant driver for people getting fat off barbeque chicken skewers and bingeing on horrible, horrible Stella long into the evening. In terms of football, if you haven’t at least started one fire by the end of the night then what are you doing? At the very least throw a chair at somebody.’
Supermarkets are now expected to start a price war over ‘World Cup items’ which include patriotic toothpaste, national anthem singing Cheerio boxes and special edition turkey twizzlers designed in the shape of Peter Crouch. One store manager said ‘are we exploiting people’s love of their country? Absolutely not. Now if you’ll excuse me I must go unload a shipment of pears that look like Wayne Rooney’s face. They’re going to sell like Steven Gerrard hot cakes!’
The DA is pleased to once again welcome back our very own faith healer, who will be giving their spiritual insight into the hazy future of World Cup events. He prefers to remain anonymous, so as not to upset the spirits. With that in mind, you should know it’s definitely not Glenn Hoddle. His identity has been protected in this article using clever mind tricks that you wouldn’t understand.
Ladies and Gentleman, its Hlenn Goddle!
That’s right, tremble mere mortals – for I Hlenn Goddle (your Lord and saviour) hath returned from the bowels or hell/the Sky Sports pundit box to rain fireballs of wisdom upon your soft, flammable heads.
As you may have heard from other ‘lesser’ soothsayers, there is to be a secretive tournament taking place on the Southern coast of Africa this June where the greatest teams in all four footballing dimensions (plus the English national team) will compete for a fiery cup made of pure gold (it’s a little bit like the tournament in Mortal Kombat, but with less evisceration).
In the run up to the event (don’t say I told you about it), I’ll be looking at each team in all eight groups and using my footballing nous (or possibly footballing mouse – he’s called Geoff) to assess their chances of lifting the cup. And who knows – I may have a little help from my friends in the spirit world (just to clarify, I will DEFINITELY be getting help from my contacts on the ‘other side’ – I’m a very influential person in those circles and the spirits are literally falling over themselves to help me…just so you know).
Group A
FRANCE
MEXICO
SOUTH AFRICA
URUGUAY
Group tarot reading: The Hermit – “Represented by Virgo, the Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity”
Hmmmmm, I can only assume the spirits have been arisen by the aromas surfacing from Franck Ribery’s hotel room here. The alluring musk is drowning the power of Mexico, although a strong fire is burning for the natural South African fortress of solitude (they must know England are coming. Does tear gas put out fires?) When consulting the creatures of the abyss, their response was “Do Mexico still have that fella that jumped with the ball between his feet?” I remain unclear.
Uruguay’s palm reveals a short life line whilst Thierry Henry’s palm reading is still hampered by a rather large ball print. My spiritual instinct is echoing through my genetically enhanced organs that France and Mexico will drink from the fountain of success whilst South Africa and Uruguay will be left to lick the wounds of a haggard, old French witch hooker… ooo, Franck will be gutted.
Sacred Talisman: Florent Malouda
Omen of doom: Cuauhtémoc Blanco (that fella that jumped with the ball between his feet – ‘tis surely witchcraft!)
Sesame Street letter of the day – D for debauchery
Group B
ARGENTINA
GREECE
NIGERIA
SOUTH KOREA
Group tarot reading: The Hanged Man – “Also known as the traitor (guess who), the Hanged Man represents the will/hand of God, and the hope that that little coke-fiend of a manager gets his comeuppance” (or something along those lines).
Oh masterful spirits, what do ye reckon? The sign of Leo is in ascendancy, with that little Messi creature sweeping aside all before him. The scales of Libra have been emptied of their gold (that’ll be cash-strapped Greece), and my senses tell me it should just about cover their early flight home.
Meanwhile, pilgrims from North Africa seeking victory have arrived with the self belief that they Kan-u, even though their squad is Shittu. Their future in the tournament appears shrouded in mystery (though that could be more tear gas), whilst the South Koreans will be unable to repeat their fine performance of 2002, as time travel is restricted to transdimensional beings/shamans with a valid UEFA coaching licence.
Sacred Talisman: Lionel Messi (as near to footballing Godliness I have seen since that blessed Ruel Fox)
Omen of Doom: Georgios Samaras
Vegetable to add to the shopping list – Mushroom
So there we have it, two possible winners and plenty of meat for the grinder in groups A &B.
Next week, I’m sensing…yep…groups C and D.
Spirit love, humble peasants!
Hlenn (your dark, yet approachable Lord)
Want the inside scope on the best World Cup distractions? Rich Boardman is game!
I scour the web for World Cup genius, so you don’t have to!
THIS WEEK’S THEME: Emile Heskey games
Emile Heskey is a constant source of entertainment and if you’re looking for a bit of fun during the World Cup then the Aston Villa front man is a great place to start. If you fancy getting absolutely hammered why not play the Emile Heskey drinking game? Highlights include consuming shots of alcohol when ‘Emile pulls a face reminiscent of Eyore from Winnie the Pooh because he hasn’t been given the ball’.
A great start to any Heskey evening but here’s some others to get you thinking:
1) The ‘Perfect Partner’ game
Everytime a bemused commentator fills some airtime with the line ‘Heskey is the perfect partner for Wayne Rooney’ you must instantly get down on one knee and propose to the next person you see. Points are awarded as follows:
3 for a yes
1 for a maybe
0 for a slap
-9 If your new partner is high maintenance and cripples you financially.
Boardman’s extreme rating - * * *
2) Celebrate with Emile
If, somehow, the ball manages to bounce off Emile into the net (the right one) during the tournament, you must instantly drop anything you’re doing and get the next available flight to South Africa. Once there you must locate the big front man, rip off your shirt and celebrate in the nearest public fountain.
Boardman’s extreme rating – * * * *
3) Back to the Future
Build a delorean that can travel through time, locate a crazy scientist and go back to the year 1977, on the eve Mr and Mrs Heskey had had slightly too much wine with dinner. Scream ‘for the love of Bobby Charlton nooooooo!!!!’ really loudly and completely kill the mood by telling them you’ve run over their cat.
Boardman’s extreme rating – * * * * *
The DA will be playing these games and more on our Facebook page. Come join in the fun!