The DA

The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.

We’re nearly there ladies and gentleman; the Championship juggernaut is finally beginning to grind down to its inevitable halt, and against all the odds Newcastle United appear to have wormed their way onto the top of the pile. Tuesday night’s away win against Reading at the Madejski stadium has all-but secured the title for the Toon, who need just a single point from their three remaining fixtures to clinch the title…and let’s not forget how long it’s been since Newcastle have won a title of any description. The last time the Magpies won a league title was 1993 – back then the Championship was still called Division One, Newcastle were in the same league as Grimsby Town and Sky Sports reporters were regularly burnt at the stake for trying to steal people’s souls with their ‘magic glass boxes’.

Being crowned winner of the Coca-Cola Championship may not quite equate to a Champions League conquest, or even besting all-comers in the Europa League (do we even know if there’s a cup at the end of that one? Perhaps Platini rewards the winning manager with a novelty dartboard, customized by pictures of Premier League managers and members of the FA – I’m sure Hamburg boss Martin Jol would like that one). That aside, at least the Magpies can take solace in the knowledge that they beat their closest league rival, Graham Dorrans FC (as WBA should be renamed) to the top spot.

As the season draws to a close, the transfer rumour mill has predictably begun spitting out its clouds of floury bull-s*** once again. The latest ‘tip’ is that Spurs reject Jamie O’Hara is being trailed by Toon coach Chris Hughton, and is set to offer £5m for the player at the end of the season. Now, I’m not over-exaggerating when I say that I would rather spend £5m for HALF of Roman Pavlyuchenko (preferably the half with the legs [if bisected horizontally], although he’s not bad with his head) than pay the same price for a whole O’Hara. The central midfielder, currently on loan at relegated Portsmouth, is exactly the type of player that we have too many of; a squat, tough little midfielder seemingly cut out of the exact same blood-stained cloth as Smith/Butt/Guthrie and Mr. Joey Barton. To spend approximately a quarter of our reported budget on such a needless acquisition would be catastrophic. Add to that equation the fact that the Tottenham midfielder is currently in a relationship with single-celled abomination Danielle Lloyd, and we could potentially have the next Marcus Bent on our hands (God help us all). Rest assured that the Frown Tale will stay abreast of any further transfer/Lloyd related shenanigans.

Jamie O’Hara joins girlfriend Danielle Lloyd as she prepares to collect her award for ‘Best topless shoot by an Ameoba

The first of Newcastle’s three opportunities to clinch that final, league-winning point will be Monday night’s away trip all the way down to Plymouth. Last time the two teams met I made some rather ‘incendiary’ comments about former Fast-Show start turned Aviva ad-puppet Paul Whitehouse; more specifically, I was less than complementary regarding the comedian’s televisual appearances as a Plymouth fan on his way to watch the ‘Green Army’ play Newcastle. Time has passed and I feel that perhaps my comments were hasty and ill informed; Last night, I reached the stage where I felt the only way I could undo my past misdemeanours was to issue a full apology to Mr. Whitehouse…then I switched on the TV and saw the dull t*** milling around in another p***-poor Aviva w***-fest, as some kind of new-age hippie come insurance junkie trying to download a cup of tea on a f****** laptop. So I thought, “Sod the p****”… To summarise, Newcastle to win 3-1.

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