The DA

The DA’s Dan Green approaches the end of his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.

Well thanks for p*****g on our parade Roy Keane. I write one harmless haiku about your managerial ineptitude and you force-feed your first team squad enough steroids and amphetamines to support a small South American dictatorship – very mature! The result; Keane’s Ipswich Town play out of their skin (or off their t**s) and restrict a surprisingly lacklustre Newcastle United to just one shot on target, in a hard fought 2-2 draw.

Fortunately, not even John Walters’ late (I’m talking 94 minutes in) equalizer could derail the club’s promotion celebrations, with a packed St. James’ Park rocking to the sound of 52,000 members of the Toon Army. All the Grant Leadbitters in the world can’t buy you that sort of feeling…

One game now remains in the 2009-2010 Coca Cola Championship season; Peterborough and Plymouth have already been relegated, with either the Owls of Sheffield Wednesday or the Eagles of Crystal Palace also facing the drop as the two struggling clubs face each other in the final round of fixtures this Sunday (Eagle vs. Owl – no brainer really).

Newcastle finish their season against Neil Warnock’s QPR at Loftus Road, just one frustrating point off the 100 mark. My metaphorical ‘hat’ goes off to Warnock, who has managed to steer his new club away from potential relegation whilst at the same time sabotaging relegation rival (and recent former employer) Palace.

One can’t help but think that former/soon-to-be-former Premiership managers Brian Laws and Ian Dowie could have perhaps emulated the tactic; imagine West Ham chairman David Sullivan’s face when he received not one, but two offers from Premier League managers to A) takeover from current Hammer’s boss Gianfranco Zola and B) quote “guide your team to *snigger* safety in the top flight”. Then again, the whole ordeal probably wouldn’t faze Sullivan – he’s used to looking at a pair of t**s.

In other news, Magpie-related transfer talk has been reassuringly bizarre this week. Reports from Spain (or more likely Sunderland) suggest that FC Barcelona are interested in signing Newcastle centre back Steven Taylor. That’s right, THAT Barcelona; the champions of La Liga, last year’s winners of the UEFA Champions League, Super Cup and World Club Championship, want to sign THAT Steven Taylor.

My initial thoughts were that Barca couch Pepe Guardiola had been so impressed by Gerard Pique’s attacking performance in last night’s game against Inter that he intends to replace him in defence with Taylor, allowing Pique to run riot up-front. But no, it appears that veteran Carlos Puyol is set to make way…in a swap deal!? Can you imagine Newcastle United beginning their first match back in the English top flight with Fab Coloccini and Carlos Puyol as the defensive partnership? The combined hair-spray fumes alone would be enough to rip the O-Zone layer a ‘new one’. Saying that, the scorched earth and hazardous remnants of the Newcastle end would make it near impossible for even the best strikers to get in, score a goal, and get out alive. Maybe Chris Hughton’s onto something…

Next season’s ‘new-look’ 25 yard box at St. James’ Park – that bleached jaw bone belonged to Fernando Torres.

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