The Premier League enhanced their reputation as a bunch of money grabbing b*****s last night by taking any competitive element left out of the football league. The board voted in favour of paying relegated clubs endless parachute payments until they crush the ‘puny earthlings who swarm around our feet like roaches.’ They also abolished the age old rule of demoted clubs having to sign Nigel Quashie.
A Premier League spokesmen said ‘Do you know how close we are to having Blackpool in the Premier League?…Blackpool? How do you sell a bright orange kit to Asian markets? More to the point, how do you explain to them what Brett Ormerod is?’
The league also look set to bring in hefty punishments for any club trying to break up the top four. The move comes after Spurs and Aston Villa spent much of this season dangerously close to breaking the monopoly and the spokesmen added ‘Tottenham Hotspur’s behaviour this season has been nothing short of diabolical, all that winning and such. We’re now looking to bring in a rule which states any club seen challenging the top four will be immediately docked 9 points and forced to sign Nigel Quashie.’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
We’re nearly there ladies and gentleman; the Championship juggernaut is finally beginning to grind down to its inevitable halt, and against all the odds Newcastle United appear to have wormed their way onto the top of the pile. Tuesday night’s away win against Reading at the Madejski stadium has all-but secured the title for the Toon, who need just a single point from their three remaining fixtures to clinch the title…and let’s not forget how long it’s been since Newcastle have won a title of any description. The last time the Magpies won a league title was 1993 – back then the Championship was still called Division One, Newcastle were in the same league as Grimsby Town and Sky Sports reporters were regularly burnt at the stake for trying to steal people’s souls with their ‘magic glass boxes’.
Being crowned winner of the Coca-Cola Championship may not quite equate to a Champions League conquest, or even besting all-comers in the Europa League (do we even know if there’s a cup at the end of that one? Perhaps Platini rewards the winning manager with a novelty dartboard, customized by pictures of Premier League managers and members of the FA – I’m sure Hamburg boss Martin Jol would like that one). That aside, at least the Magpies can take solace in the knowledge that they beat their closest league rival, Graham Dorrans FC (as WBA should be renamed) to the top spot.
As the season draws to a close, the transfer rumour mill has predictably begun spitting out its clouds of floury bull-s*** once again. The latest ‘tip’ is that Spurs reject Jamie O’Hara is being trailed by Toon coach Chris Hughton, and is set to offer £5m for the player at the end of the season. Now, I’m not over-exaggerating when I say that I would rather spend £5m for HALF of Roman Pavlyuchenko (preferably the half with the legs [if bisected horizontally], although he’s not bad with his head) than pay the same price for a whole O’Hara. The central midfielder, currently on loan at relegated Portsmouth, is exactly the type of player that we have too many of; a squat, tough little midfielder seemingly cut out of the exact same blood-stained cloth as Smith/Butt/Guthrie and Mr. Joey Barton. To spend approximately a quarter of our reported budget on such a needless acquisition would be catastrophic. Add to that equation the fact that the Tottenham midfielder is currently in a relationship with single-celled abomination Danielle Lloyd, and we could potentially have the next Marcus Bent on our hands (God help us all). Rest assured that the Frown Tale will stay abreast of any further transfer/Lloyd related shenanigans.
Jamie O’Hara joins girlfriend Danielle Lloyd as she prepares to collect her award for ‘Best topless shoot by an Ameoba
The first of Newcastle’s three opportunities to clinch that final, league-winning point will be Monday night’s away trip all the way down to Plymouth. Last time the two teams met I made some rather ‘incendiary’ comments about former Fast-Show start turned Aviva ad-puppet Paul Whitehouse; more specifically, I was less than complementary regarding the comedian’s televisual appearances as a Plymouth fan on his way to watch the ‘Green Army’ play Newcastle. Time has passed and I feel that perhaps my comments were hasty and ill informed; Last night, I reached the stage where I felt the only way I could undo my past misdemeanours was to issue a full apology to Mr. Whitehouse…then I switched on the TV and saw the dull t*** milling around in another p***-poor Aviva w***-fest, as some kind of new-age hippie come insurance junkie trying to download a cup of tea on a f****** laptop. So I thought, “Sod the p****”… To summarise, Newcastle to win 3-1.
Spurs centre back Michael Dawson has penned a deal with legal company Claims Direct which will see him star in a new TV ad campaign aimed at unemployed a**e scratchers wondering if they can get any money without having to actually leave the couch. The ad will see Dawson roll around in the Wembley penalty box like a total p***k before being handed a large sum of money by a big busted, average looking blonde woman with one of those c***y ear piece things strapped to the side of her head.
The script reads ‘I was innocently minding my own business as a clumsy centre half and I never noticed the floor was wet. My ego was badly damaged and I couldn’t work for over a day. I called claims direct and they said “Porstmouth?!!! Hahahahaahaha!!!!” before giving me lots of money and shiny things.’
Meanwhile, Wembley ground staff have responded to the news by announcing they are to re-polish the turf for the 11th time since the ground was open. A spokesmen said ‘we aim to provide the finest ballroom dancing around which is why we’ll continue to look into these problems until they are solved…What was that? Football?! They play that in Cardiff now don’t they?’
Portsmouth have announced they are applying for the right to be knocked out in the first round of the Europa League next season, stating a desire to be humbled by Azerbaijani champions FK Baku in late July. Fratton Park boss Avram Grant said ‘it’s the least we deserve after our terrific run, to have the chance to be beaten on away goals in round one of the s**tiest competition around.’
‘We’ve had a real hard slog to get here, beating Coventry in extra time, Southampton, Birmingham reserves just to name a few. Our efforts should most definitely be rewarded with a budget airline trip to the middle of nowhere so that channel 5 have something to air other than that awful live at studio 5 garbage. Seriously, who gives Ian Wright a microphone?’
Preliminary rounds for next season’s Europa League begin next week despite the semi finals of this year’s competition yet to be played. A UEFA spokesperson said ‘no it isn’t ridiculous to cross over campaigns, when you let literally anyone in like we do, we have to get them out early. Seriously, we’d let Carlisle play if they applied… Please apply Carlisle…’
Chelsea are to stage an open top bus parade on Wednesday to celebrate this years FA Cup triumph after Portsmouth pulled off a big shock against Spurs yesterday at Wembley. The result will see Portsmouth fielding a local flock of seagulls and some stars from this seasons Fratton Rovers under 12’s campaign, in a bid to avoid cup final bonuses.
Television broadcasters are now torn between airing the cup final live or showing re-runs of Diagnosis Murder. A spokesmen for the BBC said ‘yes we could try and make it seem like a contest, but we’ve blown most of our budget on that s***y looking throne Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber sits in to uncover his next busty mistress.’ I guess we could play on the whole Avram Grant angle, but let’s face it, I think we’d maybe all rather watch Dick Van Dyke solve a murder investigation in that quirky way he does. Wouldn’t we?’
Portsmouth Administrator Andrew Andronikou said ‘can I sell you some cup final tickets? Knock down price. You can even have a place on the bench for £5,000. I’m sure John Utaka won’t mind.’
Brian Laws has strongly denied allegations that he is being bullied by his own players saying ‘oh, this? I fell down the stairs.’ Several media outlets, including the highly acclaimed Burnley Echo, had reported that the former Sheffield Wednesday manager had lost control of his players and was currently sheltering in the storage cupboard demanding the return of his trousers and underpants.
But Laws, who staged the first ever media conference held in a storage cupboard said the rumour was completely without foundation. ‘Why am I not wearing any pants? Why not? I’m sure you lot will be quick to point out the large penis drawn in felt tip on my chest as well, but can’t a guy express himself? Anyway, who are we playing this week? I hope Robbie’s given me the nod as boss this week.
The Burnley squad have refused to confirm they spent much of this week drinking in their local bar ‘The Goeing Downe‘ but a drunken Clarke Carlisle did stutter ‘did you know I wasss on Countdown? You know, with the letters and the numbers and stuff? Here’s a six letter word. Brian Laws sucks….Haha, that wasn’t six letters at all was it, hiccup.’
UEFA president Michel Platini made history last night, becoming the first man to produce a multiple orgasm after witnessing England being dumped out of the Champions league at quarter final stage. the Frenchman said ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, this is f***ing incredible!!!! For the love of giant cheese filled baguettes don’t stop!’
Taking advantage of the first time England has failed to qualify for the semi finals in 7 years Platini explained how he now planned to stage an annual carnival on May 7th called ‘F*** you Premier League day.’ ‘There’ll be balloons, floats, lots of hookers and most importantly, only cool European countries will be invited. Did I mention that France, Germany, Italy and Spain are all in the semis. Where are you England? Where the f*** are you?!!!!’
Sir Alex Ferguson was quick to cover up yesterday’s defeat by engrossing the world with the start of World War three. The Scotsman said ‘it’s bloody typical of those Germans. Not trying to hide a loss or anything but those guys are always invading f***ing Poland aren’t they?!’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley (but soon Old Trafford!).
Well, it was all a bit of an anti-climax really wasn’t it? Like opening your Christmas presents a week in advance, Newcastle’s promotion on Monday evening (before they’d even kicked a ball) left me ever so slightly cold. I never thought I’d be referring to my own club’s hard-fought promotion back to the World’s premier club league in such terms. Then again I never thought I’d see a pig play football but then Mido went and proved us all wrong. Nottingham Forest were the guilty party responsible for taking some of the wind out of the Toon’s sails, their disappointing 0-0 draw at home to Cardiff City guaranteeing the Magpies one of the two automatic promotion places. Even the Cardiff players seemed somehow irked at Forest’s inability to come anywhere near winning the game, with Bluebird keeper Neil Marshall clashing with his centre-back Anthony Gerrard (presumably, Gerrard had convinced Marshall to put his money on a Forest win).
Looking back over the last seven days, Newcastle’s return to the top tier was all but secured on Saturday with a 3-2 away over now-relegated Peterborough. The Posh put up a spirited fight but always looked capable of forfeiting their early lead. Joey Barton marked his return to the first team (and law-abiding society) with a goal, curling in a free-kick just after the break that was to put Newcastle in the driving seat for the rest of the fixture. With Forest’s tea-time bore-draw against Cardiff done and dusted, everything was set for the Newcastle promotion party, and the club were even nice enough to invite Sheffield United along for the evening. It was the Blades who would strike first, taking advantage of some sloppy defending at a set-piece, before Danish forward Peter Lovenkrands coolly slotted in a penalty to put the sides in all-square at half-time. Newcastle captain Kevin Nolan officially kicked off the celebrations with a superb match-winning volley to give his team an excellent chance of finishing the season at the top of the pile.
So, time to look at my beloved club’s future. As promised, I’ve spent the last few days compiling the best (and worst) signings the club can make over the summer break. With an approximate £25m war chest intended to keep the team in the Premier League, it’s looking evermore likely that next season will be a long, hard, heart-attack inducing relegation slog…I can’t wait.
Joe Hart (Man City) – £3.5m/Season-long loan
Bit of a long shot this one – will largely depend on Man City’s ability to secure Champion’s League football and whether the young keeper figure’s in Mancini’s (or possible successor’s) plans. Ideal long term replacement for Steve Harper should Tim Krul/Fraser Forster fail to cut the mustard.
Aaron Mokoena (Portsmouth) – £1-2m
The first of a potential double-raid from down and out Pompey, South African captain Mokoena is the perfect replacement for Nicky Butt in the holding role. Can also play at centre-back, should Steven Taylor sleep with another of Andy Carroll’s ex’s.
Nadir Belhadj (Portsmouth) – £4-5m
A more expensive acquisition yet may be available for cheaper should Portsmouth get desperate. Arguably a better full back than Jose Enrique, Belhadj is already being targeted by some of the top teams in Europe…but why go to Roma when you could go to Tyneside?
Jack Wilshere (Arsenal) – Season-long loan
Exactly the exciting, creative attacking midfielder the team need to turn that stalemate draw into three points. At eighteen years old, is really too ‘grown-up’ to play for Arsenal. Time for Jack to become a man!
Jonjo Shelvey (Charlton) – £2m/Loan-to-Buy option
Stupid name, great player. Eighteen-year old midfielder Shelvey has an extremely bright future. Having broken through Charlton’s youth set-up and found his way in to the first team, Shelvey has been attracting the attentions of numerous Premier League clubs. If Newcastle can get in first, it would be a real coupe. Could be the new Temuri Ketsbaia (but less mental).
Jermaine Beckford (Leeds) – £1.5m
Courted by Everton over January, Beckford has become the centre-point for much of Leeds supporter’s current dissatisfaction. Reportedly the cause of a changing room divide that has derailed the club’s promotion hopes, Beckford will be out the door sooner rather than later and has the skill and finesse to keep Shola Ameobi and Leon Best out of the team. Plus, anyone who can make Gary Neville look like a bigger t*** than he already is, is alright by me.
Alan Hutton (Tottenham Hotspur) – £8-10m
Not sure where exactly this rumour came from, but I sure as hell know where it can go. Has already been ‘tainted’ by playing at Sunderland, plus Redknapp is unlikely to let him go for much less than the £9m they paid. Forget it!
Robbie Keane (Tottenham Hotspur) – £15m
God knows what ‘Arry’s going to do with this one. Brings him back to Spurs from Liverpool only to send him up to God-less Scotland (did he scratch one of Redknapp’s cars?). No sense in spending our entire budget on a fourth-choice striker unless the team is Real Madrid…and the striker is Karim Benzema.
Graham Dorrans (West Brom) – £7-8m
Bit of a swerve-ball this one. I know what you’re thinking: “Why is he slagging off a player he’s been brown-nosing all season?” Simple – should West Brom once again live by their ‘boing, boing’ philosophy, Dorrans could be available at half the price by January. Some things are worth waiting for.
Jimmy Bullard (Hull City) – £4-5m
Good player, but unfortunately as brittle as a glass sculpture of Jamie Redknapp in a hail storm (if you replace the hail stones with hammers).
Marcus Bent (Birmingham City) – £500k
It’s kind of the done thing I know, like an initiation into the top league…let’s see if we can buck that particular trend.
…And the Ugly
Luke Chadwick (MK Dons) – £15 deposit
Could be used as a last ditch defence against Premiership pretty-boys like Fernando Torres. For added effect, attach sandwich board stating “This is what playing in the Premiership does to you”.
So there you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly that will all lurking out there in this summer’s transfer market. Newcastle manager Hughton will certainly have a tough job balancing frugality with the need to strengthen an average squad, but he can’t do worse than most of the managers before him. Remember, we spent £8m on Jean-Alain Boumsong…we know how to waste money!
Last Week’s Frown tale
Lionel Messi has apologised to bored team mates after they were forced to take a nap on the pitch and check last night’s final score on Sky Sports News. The Argentinian said ‘at one point I thought a pass might be on for Xavi but then Silvestre just fell over in front of me so I decided to just keep running.’
Football pundits were rushing to call Messi the world’s best last night, as was Sean Bean, star of 90’s football classic When Saturday Comes. Bean admitted ‘in the film, when Jimmy Muir comes on as sub and runs round the entire Manchester United team to score, you re-watch it and think to yourself, this is ridiculous. But Messi made Muir look like a Derby County player last night. If he’d been around when we were shooting the movie we could have just flown him in and shot the scene live!’
Arsenal defender Mikael Silvestre is yet to leave the Nou Camp pitch, still stuck in a trance staring at the centre circle. He shivered ‘I don’t get it. I saw the ball as play kicked off and then it just, disappeared! Seriously, what just happened? And why are my pants down by my ankles?’
News from the past
With Gordon Brown announcing the general election today, the DA thought it would take a look at some famous football managers who share a striking similarity with those money stealing tax dodgers we call politicians. Vote for your favourite:
1. Sam Allardyce – John Prescott
2. Billy Davies – David Blunkett
3. Trevor Brooking – George Osbourne
4. Neil Warnock – Harriet Harman
5. Christian Gross – Iain Duncan Smith
6. Sir Alex Ferguson – Kevin Rudd
Best manager for parliament
Last week’s poll