Liverpool fans were last night tying anchors to their ankles and heading towards the Mersey after it was finally confirmed that they are worse than Fulham. After watching Diego Forlan ruin their season with a late extra time winner, one Kop supporter was spotted actually digging a coffin shaped hole in the centre of row G screaming ‘God I wish we were Everton!’
Steven Gerrard declared himself shocked that Dickson Etuhu was now the preferred choice in 83% of English fantasy football teams whilst Rafa Benitez refused to comment saying ’sorry, my train to Italy leaves in like 5 minutes, I really have to go.’
Fulham will now face Atletico Madrid in the Europa league final and celebrity supporter Hugh Grant announced he intends to make a Hollywood blockbuster based on the European run. ‘Sandra Bullock will play Fulham and I’m looking at the Roy Hodgson role. We fall in love and go on this epic journey together and it’s a real “will they, won’t they” ending. I like to keep things original and fresh, you know?’
The DA’s Dan Green approaches the end of his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Well thanks for p*****g on our parade Roy Keane. I write one harmless haiku about your managerial ineptitude and you force-feed your first team squad enough steroids and amphetamines to support a small South American dictatorship – very mature! The result; Keane’s Ipswich Town play out of their skin (or off their t**s) and restrict a surprisingly lacklustre Newcastle United to just one shot on target, in a hard fought 2-2 draw.
Fortunately, not even John Walters’ late (I’m talking 94 minutes in) equalizer could derail the club’s promotion celebrations, with a packed St. James’ Park rocking to the sound of 52,000 members of the Toon Army. All the Grant Leadbitters in the world can’t buy you that sort of feeling…
One game now remains in the 2009-2010 Coca Cola Championship season; Peterborough and Plymouth have already been relegated, with either the Owls of Sheffield Wednesday or the Eagles of Crystal Palace also facing the drop as the two struggling clubs face each other in the final round of fixtures this Sunday (Eagle vs. Owl – no brainer really).
Newcastle finish their season against Neil Warnock’s QPR at Loftus Road, just one frustrating point off the 100 mark. My metaphorical ‘hat’ goes off to Warnock, who has managed to steer his new club away from potential relegation whilst at the same time sabotaging relegation rival (and recent former employer) Palace.
One can’t help but think that former/soon-to-be-former Premiership managers Brian Laws and Ian Dowie could have perhaps emulated the tactic; imagine West Ham chairman David Sullivan’s face when he received not one, but two offers from Premier League managers to A) takeover from current Hammer’s boss Gianfranco Zola and B) quote “guide your team to *snigger* safety in the top flight”. Then again, the whole ordeal probably wouldn’t faze Sullivan – he’s used to looking at a pair of t**s.
In other news, Magpie-related transfer talk has been reassuringly bizarre this week. Reports from Spain (or more likely Sunderland) suggest that FC Barcelona are interested in signing Newcastle centre back Steven Taylor. That’s right, THAT Barcelona; the champions of La Liga, last year’s winners of the UEFA Champions League, Super Cup and World Club Championship, want to sign THAT Steven Taylor.
My initial thoughts were that Barca couch Pepe Guardiola had been so impressed by Gerard Pique’s attacking performance in last night’s game against Inter that he intends to replace him in defence with Taylor, allowing Pique to run riot up-front. But no, it appears that veteran Carlos Puyol is set to make way…in a swap deal!? Can you imagine Newcastle United beginning their first match back in the English top flight with Fab Coloccini and Carlos Puyol as the defensive partnership? The combined hair-spray fumes alone would be enough to rip the O-Zone layer a ‘new one’. Saying that, the scorched earth and hazardous remnants of the Newcastle end would make it near impossible for even the best strikers to get in, score a goal, and get out alive. Maybe Chris Hughton’s onto something…
Manchester City have been granted permission to strap on some goalkeeping gloves to a Hungarian donkey and tie it to their goal post, in the hope that maybe one or two balls might hit it, the Premier League have announced. City faced a goalkeeping crisis after their first 9 keepers were deemed either unfit, too young, or physically planks of rotting wood.
The Premier League were reluctant to allow the Eastlands club to recall Joe Hart from his loan spell, indicating that playing with an actual keeper in goal would be slightly unfair, and ‘not in the least bit funny for onlookers.’ They had suggested lending Roberto Mancini the Premier League loaner, but the Italian decided that the price per hour for Mark Hapless, a John Lukic lookalike from Swanage, was slightly too high.
City now go into their remaining games knowing that any shot from closer than 30 yards is likely to end their Champions League aspirations. Mancini has pleaded with fans behind the home goal to simply ‘blow air as hard you possibly can’ and ‘hope for the love of God that Shaun Wright Phillips doesn’t get the ball.’
Former England weirdo Glenn Hoddle has suggested England have a better chance of winning the World Cup than anybody, after visiting their training camp and discovering no spirits from the realms of darkness. Hoddle claimed that the likes of Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard can now sleep soundly in the knowledge they won’t be kept awake by the ghosts of Christmas past or by Casper playing with his trains long into the night.
‘The sight is terrific. Really, really spiritually sound. I tried to resurrect the screams of ‘you t***!’ taken from the inner archives of Chris Waddles penalty mess but so far completely clean. I’ve even had my personal faith healer look around the place and he says there is no faith to heal. I want to say hallelujah but maybe it’s a little cheesy. Oh what the heck, hallelujah praise the lord!’
Other advantages of England’s training base, according to Hoddle, include free parking, a lack of Gareth Southgate and a vending machine stocked with positive air and happy thoughts.
Burnley manager Bryan Laws has admitted he has one big challenge left in him and says he is targeting the Old Trafford hot seat as his managerial swansong. The former Sheffield Wednesday boss was celebrating last night after taking Burnley down in style, winning just two games during his time in charge. Laws boasted ‘this is bigger than Sheffield Wednesday, words can’t describe how I’m feeling.’
‘No one could have seen just how quickly we could’ve lobbed a grenade into the middle of Turf Moor and so easily destroy all of Owen Coyle’s good work. To see Sheffield Wednesday on the brink of relegation too, well, all I can say is Iain Dowie watch out. I’m coming for you!’
With Burnley set for Championship football next year Laws refused to commit himself to the club adding ‘you can’t keep a talent like me at one club for any particular length of time. I’ve got ambitions, dreams. It is one thing to sink Burnley football club but imagine the eyebrows I could raise if I got Manchester United into the bottom three. I can see it now. I’d put Wayne Rooney in goal and tie Ryan Gigg’s left leg to his right.’
Steven Gerrard was yesterday saying ‘na, it’s alright, you boys go ahead, I’ll stay in Spain’ after the Internet decided to go into overdrive about his private life. Twitter became full of unconfirmed rumours ranging from Gerrard becoming a shock, last minute contender for Prime Minister to Gerrard impregnating an alien captured during the shooting of the movie Independence Day.
Keen Tweeter Scouse69 said ’seeing as the whole John Terry thing seems to have gone a bit stale we thought we’d give another one a try so we’ve spun the wheel and picked some more worst case scenarios. See it’s fun, try it.Oooo you’ve picked Rio Ferdinand. Now pick a topic…ah, the old World domination, good one. Let’s get tweeting!’
Rumours are now rife that Gerrard will complete a summer transfer away from England with Inter Milan and Real Madrid touted as possible destinations. Jose Mourinho said ‘I’m cool with the whole alien fetish thing. Just as long as he puts in a good shift against Roma and the like, I’m happy.’
The DA’s Dan Green approaches the end of his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
After an epic 409 mile trip from Newcastle to Plymouth, on Monday night the Toon Army were finally able to celebrate becoming the ‘Champions of the Championship’ (now there’s a title) after a comfortable 2-0 victory over Plymouth. Unfortunately for the Pilgrims, this also secured their long-delayed relegation to League One. The Geordie faithful, renowned for their calm, level-headed nature, took the opportunity to console the grief-stricken home supporters by dragging their enormous, topless, bloated frames over the hoardings and onto the pitch; I can honestly say I haven’t seen so many undulating pairs of breast since my adolescent hey-day.
So what have we learnt? Firstly, aside from being the game’s worst losers, Newcastle United fans are also football’s worst winners. Fortunately, the Toon Army managed to stop short of pillaging Plymouth and murdering every family’s first-born, but the damage was already done. Watching the game’s aftermath on Sky Sports, I saw one seemingly inebriated Magpie supporter approach a shell-shocked Argyle player; never have I seen such contempt in one human being for his fellow man…
Pillaging? Gloating? Murder? – “Where was Joey Barton when all this was going on?” I hear you ask. Well, Newcastle’s resident playmaker/sadist was seemingly on his best behaviour during both the game and the impromptu ‘after-party’. Not only did he set the game alight with a sublime ‘Ball of the Season’ contender which led to Newcastle’s winning goal, but he also avoided the temptation to stake a claim for ‘T*** of the Season’ by setting someone’s face alight – good boy, we’ll make an up-standing member of society out of you yet!
Two fixtures remain for Newcastle to achieve their next goal; breaking the 100 point barrier. Reading are the only team to have done so during the league’s ‘Championship’ era, reaching 106 points on the way to automatic promotion in the 2005-06 season. The Magpies can potentially reach 104 points with victories at home to Ipswich and away at QPR, with both opponents languishing around the lower half of mid-table (13th and 14th respectively). Finishing the season with the Championship title, 100-plus points and serial dog-walker Roy Keane’s job in our hands would be one hell of a satisfying finish.
It’s not that I don’t like Roy Keane, it’s…oh no, wait, it is just that. Keane is perhaps one of the most bitter, over-rated and increasingly unstable managers in the entire football league. His management style is so predictable that it can be perfectly summarised within the confines of a Haiku.
Keane makes promises
Team starts poorly and gets worse
Signs Daryl Murphy
Now, I’m not saying Roy Keane’s mental but…
Ipswich Town’s visit to St. James’ Park this coming Saturday could well be Roy Keane’s penultimate game in charge of the Tractor Boys. However, what many will fail to consider beyond the tantrums and dog-walking will be the human cost of his departure from the club. When a cat-loving old woman kicks the bucket, the beloved pets she has housed her entire life are normally re-homed by kind organizations like the RSPCA and Cat’s Protection League. Yet in the case of Roy Keane and Ipswich Town, there may well be few takers for the manager’s acquisitions. Where is the ‘Cr** Protection League’? What kind of a club is going to be willing to take in players like Grant Leadbitter? If you want my opinion, Ipswich’s board had better start getting in the brown sacks.
Liverpool football club were sniffing for odd smells and placing down hand towels on seats yesterday in a bid to avoid ‘commoners disesase’ Rafa Bentiez has admitted. The Anfield side have shipped in an emergency gold plated bedpan for first team members whilst Steven Gerrard has been authorised to inhale out of the window of the train.
‘First class gives you a little more leg room, but where’s the champagne and the high class hookers?’ bemoaned midfield dynamo Javier Mascherano. ‘And standing on that station WAITING, yes WAITING for a train I felt so dirty when I suddenly got a craving for a great big Uppercrust.’
The team spent the night in Paris and are expected to continue their long journey to Spain today but reds boss Benitez is concerned that preparations may already have been hampered for the game. ‘Do you know how hard sitting down in really comfy chairs for days on end is? Lexi Lucas’s jaw is getting exceptionally tired.’
Liverpool ballooner David N’Gog will tomorrow take control in a cockpit for the very first time as Rafa Benitez looks to play to his strengths and miss the Volcanic ash cloud by a ‘good couple of yards.’ The Anfield side are set to jet out on Wednesday morning and air traffic control have claimed that N’Gog has all the capabilities of getting through the dangerous flight conditions.
Senior controller at Liverpool airport Landem Baddly said ‘I’ve seen this boy dodge a net from literally inches, the sky shares exactly the same concepts. We’ve advised him to pretend every cloud is a goalkeeper and aim to fly directly into it. Admittedly, we are a little worried about the safety of those on the ground, but hey, he’s only really flying over France!’
Liverpool go into the semi knowing that star striker Fernando Torres will miss the rest of the season due to injury leaving head of supporters club Callum Downe saying ‘are you sure? Can’t we just carry him onto the pitch anyway? Please? I beg of you. Even Titus Bramble can score if he’s positioned in the right places.’
The FA will hold an emergency meeting today after Titus Bramble was seen scoring in the actual goal he’s supposed to score in yesterday afternoon. Onlookers were left stunned as Arsenal flapper Łukasz Fabiański punched a ball directly at a bemused Bramble’s head who could only watch the ball crawl over the line before being mobbed by mystified team mates.
‘I couldn’t believe it’ said Bramble, ‘I turned to head back to centre, assuming I’d nodded it into my own net as usual and then saw that it wasn’t Chris Kirkland in goal. And he looked really happy at the other end, laughing and such. Then I heard the stadium announcer say my name and I thought “well that’s a bit harsh, reading out an OG” only to then see the scoreboard change to the benefit of Wigan. Volcanic ash and now me scoring… What a f***d up week!’
Pundits are now calling for a late call up to the England World Cup squad with Daily Mirror sports chief Loova Pun saying ‘Titus has always been dynamite in front of goal. If he can hone his craft to make that beneficial for the team he actually plays for then we’ve got a global sensation on our hands here.’