The DA

The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.

Superheroes have rarely wasted their precious time meddling in the affairs of football teams: Where was Superman when Chester City needed rescuing from a nasty ‘winding up’ by the evil henchman of the HRMC? Wonderwoman was conspicuous by her absence at the DW Stadium on Monday night, ignoring the desperate pleas of Rafa Benitez during Liverpool’s disastrous defeat against Wigan Athletic (who else could replace the semi-androgynous Fernando Torres when he’s having a shocker, David N’Gog?). Even Manchester United are forced to rely upon a bunch of puny, millionaire business-nerds calling themselves ‘The Red Knights’ to save their club. What about ‘The Caped-Crusader’? Never mind ‘The Red Knights’, what about ‘The Dark Knight’?…Bruce Wayne could buy the club and still have enough left over to turn Eastland’s into a glorified car-park for his range of ‘Batmobiles’.

How grateful I am, therefore, that Newcastle United seem to have finally found their own superhero. That’s right…SPIDERMAN now plays for the Magpies. Who knew! Anyone who saw the game, or at very least, the abnormally spectacular selection of goals from Newcastle’s 6-1 demolition of Barnsley at the weekend will have watched in awe as mild-mannered, Argentinean winger Jonas Gutierrez smashed in a 30 yards strike before revealing his true identity as everyone’s favourite, neighbourhood ‘web-slinger’. There was, of course, a split-second of panic as the player reached into his shorts, with concerned onlookers worried about just WHAT he was about to whip out from his undergarments and parade around with for all to see. Luckily, the only excited ‘discharges’ to come from Jonas were imaginary streams of web from his flailing wrists. Phew!

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever an Argentinean-first-team-international-stuck-in-a-sub-standard-league can…

Contributing towards arguably Newcastle’s most attractive victory of the entire season, Danish forward Peter Lovenkrands and English playmaker Danny Guthrie were in sterling form as they both grabbed a brace for the Toon Army. Kevin Nolan once again capped off an impressive, bullish performance by getting on the score sheet, as Newcastle pressed their advantage following the dismissal of Luke Steele, who was sent off for a tackle within the area. Second placed West Brom once again slipped up against inferior opponents, losing 3-1 to a revitalised QPR in Neil Warnock’s first game as manager at Loftus Road (Warnock claiming a vital three points and also doubling his fan base to 2 in the process – cheers Neil!). Add to those fantastic results central defender Steven Taylor’s capture of the much-coveted ‘Sport Newcastle Sport Personality of the Year Sport Award for Sporty Sporty-ness’ (besting Joey Barton and his preferred personality – ‘W****r’), and we could be looking at Newcastle’s best week of the season so far.

So, what better way to end the week on Saturday then with a nice, friendly little derby fixture against local rivals Middlesbrough: a team that makes winning a football match look like one of the ‘Trials of Hercules’. (One of the mythical ‘Demi-God’s’ trails was to cleanse a stable of never-ending excrement…Ironically, a clear out of all the s*** may be the only thing that will save Middlesbrough should they fail to secure a playoff position.) Although Newcastle’s away form has paled in comparison to their unbeaten home record, struggling Boro have of late shown all the offensive fluidity and attacking potency of an overweight horse-fly – and what better way to counter a pesky fly then with your very own, 6ft 1inch Argentinean Spiderman!

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