The DA

Greetings my long suffering patients! Why, you’ve been waiting for Dr Magicsponge as if stuck in some kind of horrible National Health Service ward. Well let me assure you, Dr Magicsponge only does private. Yes, it seems those picky b*****s down at the NHS prefer doctors with ‘real licenses’… The world has gone mad. Back in my day a pair of pliers, a clean bathroom and some home knitted drapes would make you the local surgery. But oh no, now the art of doctor..ship (is that right) is ruined by an avalanche of paperwork.

Anyway, rather than go into the reasons for my absence, which involved a fairly lengthy legal case (it’s also apparently against the law to perform open heart surgery using the contents of an Operation board game box), let’s just crack on with today’s patient shall we. That way, we can hopefully be out of here before the heavy drone of sirens becomes deafening.

Today, I take a letter from a Mr ****** (see Mr Riera, I told you I take patient confidentiality very seriously)

Dear Dr Magicsponge,

I find myself in a spot of bother. You see, I haven’t been playing very much this season so I decided to inquire with my manager as to the reasons behind this. However, what may sound like a simple dialogue between two professionals has turned rather nasty.

Around a year a go now, my boss started claiming obscure things. For example, he once entered the dressing room on horseback wearing blood drenched cowboy tassels claiming to have shot the Milkybar kid. A few months on he began constructing giant forts in and around the training ground and would only let you enter upon singing the Spanish national anthem on one leg and attempting to, on the spot, grow a moustache. It’s not been made official that the man is criminally insane, as Sammy Lee has so far failed in his attempts to catch him under a large net and take him to seek help, but despite not being an expert, it’s safe to say I think he has issues.

So since my innocent inquiry I have found myself constantly falling victim to bear traps and unprovoked Korean ninjas. I’ve threatened to abdicate to Moscow (in an attempt to play along with his fantasy world) but now he’s convinced I’m part of a group called ‘SMERSH‘ and that I’ve been sent on a top secret mission to re-appoint Roy Evans and kidnap Lucas Leiva.

Help?

Mr *******

I think we’ve all had desires to enter a room on horseback, and to be fair, some of those Milkybar kid ads were f*****g annoying so he probably had what was coming to him. Never, ever, diagnose a problem to Dr Magicsponge though. It took me 30 gruelling minutes to get my medical degree online and I didn’t go through all of that to have some two bit cry baby tell me what the problem is. For all you know, you could be the one with the issues, not him. Maybe try stepping around the bear traps, it’s not like they’re hard to spot…

You mentioned you’ve been playing along with his fantasy world. Definitely do that more. And make sure you film it, for research purposes of course. Right now though, I’d say the best thing to do would be to lock yourself in a cupboard and play Scrabble until the whole thing blows over. It can surely only be a matter of time before this crazy man is relieved of his duties. I mean, as far as I can see, the only thing that would stop me getting rid of someone so crazy would be if I had to give him a £16 million pound pay off or something. And no chairman would be stupid enough to make a contract like that!

Good luck with it all, especially re-appointing Roy Evans. Can you re-sign Steve Mcmanaman too? His hair was funny.

The Dr

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