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A royal decree was issued by the Queen last night demanding Manchester United hand over Wayne Rooney, claiming that the Old Trafford club have ‘quite clearly proven they can’t look after him in a satisfactory manner.’ The palace has called in 300 SAS watchmen to guard the forward around the clock and have also taken the decision to resurface the players quarters with bouncy rubber so that he can not possibly land awkwardly in any way.
A spokesmen for the royal family said ‘Manchester United have shown a complete lack of responsibility in actually playing Mr Rooney and to let him jump for headers and the like, well, he might as well be playing blindfolded on a minefield. The whole country is in agreement with us that Wayne should be kept in a cryogenic freezer guarded by a mixture of our SAS team and deadly ninja assassins until kick off time against the USA.’
England manager Fabio Capello has welcomed the decision saying ‘it wouldn’t be the end of the world if Wayne Rooney couldn’t make the World Cup, after all, we do have Emile Heskey and Darren Bent… On second thoughts, you make sure no one goes near that f***ing freezer, do you hear me?! F***ing no one!’
Other news
Footballers who look like supervillains
United to score injury time winner in 3D
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The Government yesterday promised football fans they’d buy them a football club if they vote for them at the upcoming election, and also guaranteed to ask Eva Mendes if she’d consider dating everyone. Labour have strongly denied the move is a bribe to sway voters their way with chancellor Alistair Darling insisting ‘we just want to pry into something else that you do.’
‘We’re also considering following you around supermarkets recommending confectionery items and buying your family so that we can lease them back to you at convenient times for very little interest….Oh, and the note on my hand says to say economic recovery or something.’
When asked how Roman Abramovich, and other wealthy football club owners would take to the idea of selling a 25% stake to supporters Darling added ‘I don’t know. It’s not like we’re actually going to go through with it. Once the election’s over we’ll probably tax you for us even coming up with the idea. The concept’s completely bonkers, but if we smile enough and pretend we know the subtle differences between Manchester United and Manchester City, the jobs a good one.’
Relevant News
Government to bankrupt football, so that no one else has to
Government do not know what a mirror is
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It’s not often your own team benefits from a 93rd minute diving handball that rescues a crucial point against your bitter rivals. Without naming names, I witnessed that very thing this weekend, and to put it bluntly, it was bloody superb. Unfortunately though, it’s usually the very opposite of jubilation. And 9 times out of 10 the decision leaves you cursing and swearing at anyone who’ll listen. Yes, 9 times out of 10 its really f****g annoying.
So without further ado, the DA has rounded up the most controversial and ridiculous goals that were ever allowed to stand. Vote for your favourite, and of course add any we’ve missed.
1. The hand of sod
2. I do like to be beside the seaside
3. Just plain stupid
4. ….Just plain stupider….
5. Kind of important… whoops.
6. Helping hand of Henry
Your choice
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Sven Goran-Eriksson was spouting all of that nonsense about new challenges etc last night as the Ivory Coast officially confirmed him as their World Cup manager. Clutching his large bag of money and flicking through Facebook profiles of the Ivory’s first team’s wives and girlfriends, Sven admitted he’d yet to check his team had even qualified.
‘It just seemed like the next logical step in my career. Mexico, Notts County and now Ivory Coast, it’s almost a little too obvious really isn’t it? I’m flying in Tord Gripp of course, he’s just having a little trouble getting through customs right now. Unfortunately he agreed to bring over my sex kit and apparently edible underpants and live gerbils are frowned upon here.’
Eriksson’s first job as manager is to persuade governing bodies that David Beckham is of Ivorian descendant, with his great, great grandfather’s uncle once buying a rug from Africa sometime during the 1800s. Asked whether he believed Beckham would be fit in time Eriksson replied ‘fit for what?’
Relevant News
Notts County vow to end pensions crisis
Capello to ask ‘you didn’t sleep with my wife did you?’
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The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Gianfranco Zola swears that when the final whistle went he heard the Eastenders credit music kick in.
Frank Lampard is re-watching all of his goals yesterday and can’t seem to see a deflection anywhere?! Am I watching the right game?
Mark Hughes was really hoping people thought he was a top four manager. Still, I guess Davild Sullivan will struggle to find me in the Ivory Coast.
David Sullivan is looking for anyone with local knowledge of the Ivory Coast.
This week’s news
Sullivan and Zola to star in new BBC sitcom
Barton praised for not setting Steven Taylor’s face on fire
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Gianfranco Zola and David Sullivan have agreed to star in a six part BBC sitcom to debut in the Autumn entitled ‘Bursting your Bubble’. The series will focus around the daily lives of the mis-matched couple and intends to play off David Sullivan’s ‘natural ability with bad timing.’
The shows producer Rene Gatione said ‘you can expect some real slap stick antics from the comedy duo. The first episode sees little Gianfranco spend all his pocket money on a South American circus clown only to lose his uncle Davy 100 million by sinking his business in the process, it’s going to be a lot of fun.’
Gatione refused to comment on speculation that Kieron Dyer was set to play the part of ‘Ronny’, a local street urchin who’s running joke is getting hit by a bus and rupturing his achilles but did confess there would be some surprise appearances along the way. ‘Mark Hughes comes in for the 2010-11 season to play the West Ham manager. Oh, and Scott Parker gets a brief cameo in episode two when you see him signing for Tottenham.’
Relevant News:
‘But you don’t even own any oil’ says West Ham
Sullivan ‘can’t everyone just retire? This wage bill thing’s expensive!’
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The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Warner Bros. must be absolutely kicking themselves. How could they have predicted that just a few weeks before the anticipated release of their latest 3D million-dollar blockbuster, a real- life ‘Clash of the Titans’ would steal its thunder, taking place in our time, in our country, in ACTUAL 3D (not the kind that chucks little blobs of pretty, sparkly water or speckles of space dust at your face in an attempt to distract you from the non-existent plot and farcical dialogue – I’m looking at you Cameron…) I am of course referring to Taylor vs. Carroll, the pugilist ‘Feast in the North-East’. In the red corner, we have Steven Taylor – born on the war-torn streets of London, England, Taylor is skilled in hand to ball combat (few goal-band shots have managed to evade his outstretched palm) and a master of stealth, having avoided the advances of many a Premier League side this season. And in the opposing blue corner, we have Andrew Carroll – he once ‘ate’ a man…enough said. The stage was set for an almighty blood bath that would eclipse all that had gone before: Dyer vs. Bowyer, Barton vs. Dabo, Vinnie Jones vs. Gascoigne’s testicles: all would pale in significance compared to this once-in-a-lifetime spectacle.
3D or not, you can’t beat playdough for creating breathtaking cinema
Did it live up to expectations? Well no, not really – Carroll gave centre-back Taylor a quick slap which was enough to put the guy in hospital with a broken jaw, with Taylor facing the prospect of having to suck his meals through a straw for the next few weeks. The cause of this latest training ground ‘kerfuffle’ is still unknown, with rumours circulating that suggest Taylor had been punished for his advances on one of Chief Carroll’s ‘cave-ladies’. Fortunately it appeared to have little effect on the team’s dynamic as they went into a must-win away fixture against an improving, battling Doncaster Rovers side. The Heavyweight Champion of Darsley Park popped up with the winner on 59 minutes, the Goliath striker’s 10th goal in 11 games. Could it be the forwards’s recent form is a direct result of his increased aggression? Aside from the Taylor bust-up, Carroll is also currently being investigated on assault charges, yet the goals keep coming. Perhaps the time has come for Newcastle to invest in a specially-made punch bag which would allow Carroll to let off steam on something other than a team-mate/member of the public. Who knows: if Magpies owner Mike Ashley is unwilling to cough up the cash for such equipment, maybe he can volunteer his own services for the role of living ‘punch-recepticle’. I’d definitely be 100% behind Ashley on that particular decision…
‘OK Andy, when you’re ready. You do have boxing gloves right?’
So a little bit of controversy to add a spark to what has, surprisingly, been a rather controversy-free season for the Toon Army. With just eight games remaining in the Championship season, Newcastle United’s promotion chances are firmly in their own hands with just another four wins needed to secure an automatic return to England’s top flight. With winnable away fixtures against rock-bottom Peterborough and Plymouth, as well as must-win home visits from Nottingham Forest and Sheffield United upcoming, things are looking disconcertingly positive – Steven Taylor was already set to miss the rest of the season due to injury before Andy Carroll served up a ‘knuckle sandwich’, the rest of the squad is largely injury free and winning consistently is a key skill that appears to be evading the chasing pack in 3rd and below. But a Newcastle fan never takes anything for granted. Who’s to say that the red mist won’t descend upon Carroll indefinitely? One minute you could be minding your own business, the next you’re watching columns of tanks and infantry transports heading north to face-off against ‘Geordzilla’.
Further footballer bouts for you consideration:
Blood, Swedes and Tears – Ljungberg vs. Mellberg
“Dowie, Bomayé” – Palace vs. Watford
Raging Bowyer – Bowyer vs. Dyer
Relevant News
Barton praised for not setting Steven Taylor’s face on fire
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Newcastle United manager Chris Hughton has heaped praise on ‘new man’ Joey Barton after the midfielder refrained from pouring lighter fluid on a grounded Steven Taylor and even avoided urinating on the players wounded face. Hughton said it showed ‘great professionalism and maturity’, firmly believing Barton’s rebel days are behind him.
‘We took his muzzle off for the first time yesterday, and he only bit me once, after I took the last Chicken salad sandwich from the canteen. Andy Carroll even asked him if he could have his pudding and the lad just sat and took it. No crowbars to the head, no nothing.’
The former Manchester City trainee Barton was apparently busy stealing designer shirts from the players dressing room when a bust up between United captain Steven Taylor and Andy Carroll ensued, something Hughton was very proud of. ‘I believe we’ve helped shape Joey into a respectable human being. He’s now really into flogging stolen goods for profit and has even asked me if I know anything about spreadsheets. He could be a entrepreneur yet!’
Relevant news
Read last weeks Newcastle Frown Tale
Catch up with a classic Dr Magicsponge, the home of misbehaving players
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Football fans were in confusion this morning as to whether or not Ian Watmore resigning as the FA chief executive is of any interest to them. In a poll conducted by Ian Watmore 74% of fans said they didn’t care one bit, whilst 6% said they’d only be interested if it had anything to do with John Terry trying to mount him.
FA chairman Lord Triesman admitted he didn’t know if Watmore would be missed or not. ‘I know he was very good at keeping pot plants looking healthy. He used to water my Daffodils every morning without fail. As for football, I’m pretty sure he helped Crewe Alexandra out with some parking issue once. But I tended to black out when he started talking so who knows, he could have been great!’
Watmore reportedly quit over fears that the Premier League had far more power and authority than he did, an accusation that Premier league chief executive Richard Scudamore denied adamantly. Scudamore said ‘How dare he bring such a claim to the money Gods. Now kiss my ring and leave your first born child over in the corner with the rest of them would you?’
Related News
FIFA to hibernate in cave and play pong
‘Football in too much debt’ really clever people say
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Rafa Benitez came a step closer to passing his British citizenship test last night after successfully answering question 4) ‘How do Manchester United win crucial matches?’ by correctly identifying response C) ‘cheating like a bunch of dishonest b*****s.’
Benitez now faces a tough period of questions involving a tricky combination of 5) and 6) ‘Are bankers money grabbing w*****s?’ and ‘would a politician sell their own grandmother to win a seat in parliament?’ respectively. The Spaniard said he would study hard and deploy a defensive strategy when it came to ticking the right boxes.
‘You can not jump into making an answer no? Every thought must be interrupted by the image of Lucas Leiva in speedos cleaning my swimming pool. Then just when you think you’ve got the right answer, it’s time to give that question a rest and replace it with another question.’ Benitez is sure to be stumped by question 9) on the test which reads ‘Are successful British club Liverpool stifled by buying players from a Moroccan flea market?’ with the available answers being ‘A) Yes B) Definitely yes C) More yes than you could ever know D) Who the f*** is David N’Gog?’
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Albert Riera takes a trip to see Dr Magicsponge
Liverpool not very good on a Monday either
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