The DA

S**t hitting fan experts have predicted that if Portsmouth Football club continue seeing the same levels of s**t hitting the fan they should expect to be living under the sea feeding off Thames estuary drift sewage by next Tuesday. One expert went as far as saying the levels of s**t hitting the fan were so high that residents in Calais would start suffering from splash back.

The prediction comes after, in one day, Portsmouth were bought out again in a cheap ceremony in Las Vegas, appealed to the HMRC to look over the whole ‘60 million debt thing’, caught their manager walking out of a brothel holding an assortment of fresh vegetables and finally completed the paperwork for the signing of Quincy Owusu-Abeyie making the reality of him playing for the team ‘imminent’. To add insult to injury David James reportedly lost his favourite glove.

Fans are being asked to send in suggestions as to what else could possibly go wrong at Fratton Park. The club however is advising these be hand written as the website is down and the office phone has been sold on Ebay. They are also requesting supporters only ‘half stick down stamps’ so that they can be reused on arrival.

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• Portsmouth will be able to sign horribly bad players after all