New West Ham United chairman David Sullivan has called on the entire West Ham squad to retire and ‘run a bar or something’ in order to free up funds at the East London club. In a scrutinous review of spending it’s understood vice chairman Karen Brady already has plans in place to use scented candles to light evening games ‘in a bid to cut electricity bills’ and has also written to the Premier League asking for permission to cone off one half of the pitch and play sideways, in order to sell off the other half to housing developers.
Sullivan accused one ‘money grabbing’ star of being ‘far too much of a Kieron Dyer for his own good’ but stopped short of saying who the player was. He added ‘this player hasn’t played for over ten years. If a banker hadn’t turned up to work for ten years he’d be declared dead, or at the very least they’d let someone else sit at his desk and steal his pens, so why am I still paying this f****r £60,000 a week? This club would be so much better off if it didn’t have any players or staff, we’d be rich!’
Gianfranco Zola is expected to be given a transfer budget of just over 10 pounds this summer but Sullivan has asked he also use that money to pick him up a Curly Wurly, this months Playboy and some duck tape to keep Scott Parker tied up whilst the window is open.
