The DA

Cristiano Ronaldo was officially announced the most annoying t*** on the planet last night after Portuguese marketing agency Futebol Finance published a list of the top 50 most annoying t***s and their salaries. The Real Madrid winger was presented with a gold plated figurehead of Dale Winton strapped to a casette player continuously playing the GoCompare jingle and was told ’seriously, you are more annoying…’

The document revealed the former Manchester United star earns £217,000 a week pre advertising deals and before annoying t*** cling ons buy him dinner and give him free stuff for posing like an annoying t*** for s*** advertising campaigns that makes everyone go ‘oh, what an annoying t***.’

The most annoying t*** in England was said to be Manchester City striker Emmanuel Adebayor who makes £7.4 million a year and demands his pay cheque arrive on horseback accompanied by a 14th century knight of the realm.

Premier League officials are on the brink of announcing a radical overhaul to the top tier of English football including a Saturday prime time TV game show called ‘Play your top 4 right’ in which 20 clubs will battle it out to win a European holiday in the 4th round qualifier of the Champions League.

A spokesmen said ‘in this day and age when there’s so much money involved we can’t be judging teams on who has the most talent, it’s about who’s the richest and who can stuff the most fifty pound notes through our letterbox. Therefore we’ve signed with the BBC for a 25 week quiz show on which Bruce Forsyth will judge players dancing and acrobatic skills amongst others.’

The Premier League denied making a mockery out of the game in order to make a quick buck adding ‘we did that years ago and no one seemed to notice. And Bruce is a much respected television personality who’ll really get the most out of dull clashes like Bolotn v Hull. As Brucie would say, you don’t get anything for a Kevin Davies, not in this game!!!’

Senior Government figures have admitted they are considering a football watchdog run by the state in a bid to liquidise the entire football league and ensure MPs get ‘great cup final seats.’ The governing body would monitor levels of club debt and immediately take control of profitable teams in order to sell off any viable assets on the cheap to Russia and tax supporters for visiting the club shop.

A Downing Street spokesmen said ‘these guys just can’t be trusted to keep their own house in order. All these chairman coming in and exploiting the system, leaving the club on the very brink of financial ruin and then f***ing off to their summer home in the South of France. You don’t see us doing that do you?’

Leaked documents show that the Labour party already have plans to divide Manchester United into a good and bad club before heaping bonuses on Gary Neville for playing a solid twenty minutes against Bolton in 2004.

Chelsea star Ashley Cole has admitted lending his genitals to a friend so that he could ‘get jiggy’ with a topless dancer. The England left back was forced to confess the error when Miss Wanda Brar from Essex sent the Daily Mirror Cole’s testicles in return for lots of money and shiny things.

Cole said ‘it’s all very straight forward really. I mean, it really does look like I had sex with her doesn’t it? And that would be the simple explanation. But really what happened is that my mate, er Jez, yeah Jez came to me and said “look Ashley I really don’t like my balls but I could totally score with that hot stripper over there”. So I did what any man would do and took a Stanley knife to my man region so that Jez could go have a great night getting chlamydia. Only problem is, I forgot to ask for them back see…Shouldn’t my agent be trying to make this s*** up?’

The revelation has triggered another national outcry for Cheryl Cole to give somebody else a try. 6,389,000 men have signed a petition stating that they wouldn’t go round ‘lending genitals’ in hot strippers if they were with Cheryl whilst 6,300,000 of those men have promised they would never even leave the bedroom if that was Cheryl’s wish.

A new wax work of Steven Gerrard is apparently in talks over a possible summer move to Tottenham, newspaper reports suggest. The model had been touted as the obvious replacement to Lucas Leiva in the Liverpool midfield but Spurs boss Harry Redknapp claims he intends to launch a pre season raid on Madame Tussauds during the transfer window.

‘He looks like a great player, quite literally. That’s what they set out to do and they’ve definitely pulled it off. I can’t tell the difference. You just wonder how many wax works are actually playing in the Premier League? I could swear Jonathan Woodgate melts a bit more every summer.’

Spurs are apparently facing competition from Stoke City and Burnley who claim they’d use the life size candle to keep ‘Andre Bikey’s toilet breaks manageable’. A club spokesmen said ‘at the moment, one Bikey trip to the bathroom and the club shuts down for a couple of days. With the wax work we’d deploy a new man marking system in the bathrooms and hopefully Andre Bikey would come out smelling like fresh lavender.

Crystal Palace have put an advertisement in the Financial Times seeking a prospective buyer, whilst Portsmouth football club have taken out a £20 ad in Autotrader, running for two weeks on both website and magazine. Both clubs face a HMRC winding up order today and are likely to plea ‘you want free tickets?’ in a hearing later this afternoon.

The Palace ad highlights the clubs top of the range facilities, their 105 year history and the fact they are still progressing in the FA cup. Portsmouth’s section in Autotrader reads ‘5 door football club with a bit of rust to the body and a sticky gear box which jams in second. The Michael Brown musk should be easy to clear with professional cleaning but for the love of god please don’t touch the tax disc. It’s made out of a McVitites digestive biscuit.’

Southend are also in the queue to be wound down today but as yet, haven’t advertised the club in national print. A Southend spokesmen said ‘Have you been to Roots Hall. If we could lift it, we’d just take it to the nearest lake and have done with it. We couldn’t pay people to take it!’

Football’s lovable, fluffy bunny of a centre midfielder Michael Ballack yesterday accused Aresnal manager Arsene Wenger of being ‘a bit of a nasty chap’ when his team fail to produce the goods on the pitch.

Ballack, who is famous for donating 25k to charity and hugging every supporter present apologetically every time he loses added ‘Now let’s not be harsh on the fella because I make love not war. But as I always say at the Sunday church group I attend after finishing up at the orphanage, there are no winners without losers. Would you like to try one of my fairy cakes by the way? I made them from happy thoughts.’

Wenger has infuriated several clubs this season, so far blaming defeat on the weak pound, Bruce Forsyth’s moustache and most recently Suffolk county councils proposals to build an incinerator just outside Peterborough. The Frenchmen also accused Chelsea of ‘using that big net thingy to their advantage.’

Premier League officials last night revealed that ‘no one’s keeping score anymore’, in a bid to keep down administrative costs and buy more shiny things for head office. Chief executive Richard Scudamore said that ‘despite what Sky Sports tries to tell you about the league being more open than ever, in reality nothing has changed since 1994, other than the fact Andy Gray is taking more steriods and Martin Tyler now commentates from home under a large, cosy blanket.’

‘Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool the top four. Arsenal always fall down because they try to play too much football, Liverpool always stumble because Rafa Benitez shops for players in Lidl, leaving Man Utd and Chelsea to fight it out for the title relying on Frank Lampard deflections and iffy last minute penalties.’

‘Then you’ve got Villa, Everton and Spurs competing for that s***y European thingy that no one cares about followed by Fulham, Blackburn doing the whole irrelevant mid table thing. And that leaves Hull, Bolton and Burnley scrapping it out for relegation. I bet no one saw that coming!’

Scuadmore went onto compare the league to watching Rocky IV over and over again. ‘You know you’ve seen it before and you know exactly what’s going to happen. But it’s a cracking excuse to have a beer and feel manly isn’t it?’