Premier League officials last night revealed that ‘no one’s keeping score anymore’, in a bid to keep down administrative costs and buy more shiny things for head office. Chief executive Richard Scudamore said that ‘despite what Sky Sports tries to tell you about the league being more open than ever, in reality nothing has changed since 1994, other than the fact Andy Gray is taking more steriods and Martin Tyler now commentates from home under a large, cosy blanket.’
‘Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool the top four. Arsenal always fall down because they try to play too much football, Liverpool always stumble because Rafa Benitez shops for players in Lidl, leaving Man Utd and Chelsea to fight it out for the title relying on Frank Lampard deflections and iffy last minute penalties.’
‘Then you’ve got Villa, Everton and Spurs competing for that s***y European thingy that no one cares about followed by Fulham, Blackburn doing the whole irrelevant mid table thing. And that leaves Hull, Bolton and Burnley scrapping it out for relegation. I bet no one saw that coming!’
Scuadmore went onto compare the league to watching Rocky IV over and over again. ‘You know you’ve seen it before and you know exactly what’s going to happen. But it’s a cracking excuse to have a beer and feel manly isn’t it?’
