The DA

The world was feeling desperately sorry for Ashley Cole yesterday, whilst trying to hold back mocking laughter and yelling ‘yeah, take that you p***k! In your face! The Chelsea left back has flown to Spain for ‘hot weather treatment’ on an injury that threatens to rule him out of the World Cup on the day wife Cheryl Cole finally came out of a tranquilizer induced coma and left the former Arsenal star.

Representatives have refused to comment on whether hot weather treatment involves rubbing baby oil on himself and strutting around the local beaches looking for topless models but one spokesmen did say ‘come on, please give us a break here. This is literally the hardest job in the world. My job spec reads ‘make people like Ashley Cole…At least give me a week in Spain to drink myself to death on cocktails.’

To make matters worse for Cole, Chelsea look set to release the full back from his £120,000 grand a week contract. Just to confirm that number 1 2 0 0 0 0 a f***ing WEEK! Experts are wondering how a man on £120,000 a week, playing football for a living and married to Cheryl Cole can possibly f*** up life so much. One expert on large, phallic shaped objects said ‘what a total p***k.’

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