The DA

Fabio Capello called Stoke defender Ryan Shawcross into the England first team squad last night, as part of a new plan to ‘out scandal’ the media. The Italian will now focus solely on players who have recently f****d up in a major way in a bid to ‘over bombard’ the press with mouth watering stories and cause outbreaks of hysteria in national newsrooms across the country.

Shawcross was instantly selected after Arsene Wenger called the assassin ’simply unacceptable’, an accolade Capello was quick to pounce on. Other shock call ups include TV headcase Michael Barrymore, labour MP Elliot Morley and Steve Ulhavya from Norwich, who recently served 48 hours community service for kicking his neighbours dog Fluffy, after the pet ‘took a big s*** on his lawn.’

Capello said ‘Let’s see how paper react with far too much gossip. There only so much paper space, only so many stalkers who can follow us around, only so many women who will collect underwear to send to Sun. Here’s something juicy for you… David James just killed a squirrel with his bare hands yesterday… And is wearing the skin on head to p*** off squirrel family. Enjoy slow death suckers!’

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