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Fabio Capello called Stoke defender Ryan Shawcross into the England first team squad last night, as part of a new plan to ‘out scandal’ the media. The Italian will now focus solely on players who have recently f****d up in a major way in a bid to ‘over bombard’ the press with mouth watering stories and cause outbreaks of hysteria in national newsrooms across the country.
Shawcross was instantly selected after Arsene Wenger called the assassin ’simply unacceptable’, an accolade Capello was quick to pounce on. Other shock call ups include TV headcase Michael Barrymore, labour MP Elliot Morley and Steve Ulhavya from Norwich, who recently served 48 hours community service for kicking his neighbours dog Fluffy, after the pet ‘took a big s*** on his lawn.’
Capello said ‘Let’s see how paper react with far too much gossip. There only so much paper space, only so many stalkers who can follow us around, only so many women who will collect underwear to send to Sun. Here’s something juicy for you… David James just killed a squirrel with his bare hands yesterday… And is wearing the skin on head to p*** off squirrel family. Enjoy slow death suckers!’
Fabio Capello has been spotted wandering down busy London high streets, stopping random pedestrians, and asking whether or not they can punt a ball with their left foot the DA can reveal. The Italian also presented an image of John Terry’s penis to passers by and inquired, on a scale of 1 to 10, how angry it made the individual feel.
Capello’s desperation comes after Ashley Cole and Wayne Bridge both look set to miss the World cup whilst Paul Konchesky, despite popular belief, still remains pretty s*** all things considered. Stuart Pearce is reportedly going under the knife for hip surgery in a desperate attempt to be fit in time for the summer and a Facebook campaign has already attracted more than 200,000 people bidding to ‘find Chris Powell!’
The FA have now placed an ad in this month’s FHM for a suitable left sided replacement which reads ‘Are you one of those weird people who uses the wrong side for stuff? Do you dream of cheating on your wife, being caught drink driving at 100mph every month and starting fights in expensive night clubs with no repercussions?! Then why not apply to be an England defender. Great starting salary and opportunities to travel. Please, do not apply if you have ‘Neville’ anywhere in your name.’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
I feel obliged to start this week’s blog with a heart-felt, sincere apology to all West Bromwich Supporters. Towards the end of last week’s Frown Tale entry, I wished a metaphorical ‘pox’ upon the WBA team (excl. Mr.Dorrans, who was to be spared due to his exceptional talent) in a desperate attempt to ease my own pathetic anxieties over what I saw as the potential derailment of Newcastle United’s promotion campaign. Now, before this blog is inundated with wild and false accusations, I would like to make it clear that firstly, neither I, nor any members of my direct family, have ever had any dealings with ‘black magic’ or ‘the occult’.
Secondly, I do not own, nor have I attempted to produce, a voodoo doll-manifestation of West Brom’s commander-in-chief, Mr Roberto Di Matteo. And finally, I would never, NEVER condone the use of mind-games, gamesmanship or spending an evening texting the WBA squad pictures of my genitals whilst posing the age old question ‘c**k or b*ll’, in order to distract a league rival. All I can suggest is that West Bromwich Albion’s recent decline in form is coincidence: nothing more, nothing less – Just like how it’s a coincidence that nearly every club Harry Redknapp has managed ends up collapsing into administration/financial ruin: West Ham, Southampton, Portsmouth…Coincidence right?!
Now don’t get me wrong – I’m still 90% certain (or 100% certain for all you footballers who like to go up to 110%) that West Brom will finish the season in the second automatic promotion place. However, their shock defeat to Bristol City on Sunday, coupled the recent surprise loss to an ever-improving Reading side in the FA Cup on Wednesday evening, both seem to have taken some of the gloss off what has been a fairly ‘shiny’ season for the Baggies. How strange that WBA should be so averse to losing – You’d of thought it would have reminded them of being in the Premier League…
Even more surprising are the rarely-observed predatory instincts displayed by new league leaders Newcastle United in order to capitalize on this temporary dip in form. A resounding 3-0 win over a lacklustre Preston North End side has given the Magpies some much-needed breathing space over the chasing pack. Importantly, goals are starting to come from all areas of the pitch, with previous underperformers like Peter Lovenkrands, Andy Carroll and right-back Ryan Taylor doing their bit for the ‘score-effort’. Of late, Lovenkrands in particular has gone into each game as confident of scoring as John Terry on a commiseratory visit to comfort Cheryl Cole.
With West Brom now in third and Nottingham Forest a comfortable 5 points behind despite playing an extra game, the Toon Army will be looking to potentially consolidate their position with an away victory over Watford this coming Saturday. West Brom will have faced easier opponents than Derby County this season, whilst Nottingham Forest could find it extremely difficult to come away from their fixture against the impressive Leicester City with any points at all. It sounds like a ‘no-brainer’ doesn’t it? Unfortunately, what worries me most about this weekend’s fixture is the fact that the previously-prolific Magpie attacking line could potentially be spearheaded by a player that defines the term ‘no-brainer’!
If you think you know which Newcastle United forwards I could be referring to, please send in your answers in a stamped addressed envelope. Please note: Ameobi is spelt A-M-E-O-B-I…
Newcastle striker Shola Ameobi proudly holds aloft his award for ‘Best football performance by a walking cadaver
You can follow Dan and the DA team @matchoftheda
The DA’s award season continues this week with the award for best supervillain looky likey. So, if you’ve ever been hiding behind the sofa watching Chucky and thought to yourself, ‘hold the f*** on, is that Wayne Rooney?’ then don’t forget to cast your vote:
Footballers who look like supervillains (send in any suggestions you have)
1) Le Chiffre – Glenn Roeder
2) Sloth from the Goonies – Dirk Kuyt
3) Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men) – Roberto Mancini
4) King Kong – Martin Jol
5) Agent Smith from the Matrix – Landon Donovan
6) Chucky – Wayne Rooney
7) The Riddler – John Arne Riise
Hans Gruber from Die Hard – Eric Cantona
Best Supervillain Looky likey
Don’t forget to vote on managers who look a little bit too much like kids tv characters for comfort here
The world was feeling desperately sorry for Ashley Cole yesterday, whilst trying to hold back mocking laughter and yelling ‘yeah, take that you p***k! In your face! The Chelsea left back has flown to Spain for ‘hot weather treatment’ on an injury that threatens to rule him out of the World Cup on the day wife Cheryl Cole finally came out of a tranquilizer induced coma and left the former Arsenal star.
Representatives have refused to comment on whether hot weather treatment involves rubbing baby oil on himself and strutting around the local beaches looking for topless models but one spokesmen did say ‘come on, please give us a break here. This is literally the hardest job in the world. My job spec reads ‘make people like Ashley Cole…At least give me a week in Spain to drink myself to death on cocktails.’
To make matters worse for Cole, Chelsea look set to release the full back from his £120,000 grand a week contract. Just to confirm that number 1 2 0 0 0 0 a f***ing WEEK! Experts are wondering how a man on £120,000 a week, playing football for a living and married to Cheryl Cole can possibly f*** up life so much. One expert on large, phallic shaped objects said ‘what a total p***k.’
Sulaiman Al Fahim has shocked the whole of Portsmouth by announcing his resignation as non-executive Chairman leaving many fans questioning ‘we had a non-executive chairman?’. The news comes as Pompey desperately seek to appoint a real-executive chairman who actually spends money on things and has heard of an ‘excel spread sheet.’
Al Fahim famously sported a Portsmouth top on the day of his appointment and then hopped on the first space shuttle to the moon and hid in a large crater for a one hundred day period counting his remaining notes and miming ‘play up Pompey’ to offer support.
He has handed his shareholding over to the Portsmouth Supporters Trust saying ‘they have no money either, so it’s quite fitting really. They were shocked when I rocked up to tell them the good news. Mainly I think, because they had no idea who I was and why I owned 10% of Portsmouth. They thought it was just one big joke…Actually, thinking about it I guess it kind of is.’
The FA have defended their decision to book England into an unbuilt, noisy five star hotel claiming that ‘all Thomson holidays come unbuilt and noisy as standard’ and that the Royal Bafokeng Sports Campus near Rustenburg ‘looked great in the brochure.’
Officials are now deciding whether to make a formal complaint on site or whether just to be ‘truly English’ and grin and bear the ordeal before getting home and writing a strongly worded letter about how bad the facilities actually were to local newspaper opinion sections.
England manager Fabio Capello said ‘it’s frustrating really. We checked on website as well, very nice. Swimming pool, hot tub, a creche to keep Emile Heskey in during day. But now, we arrive and everything s***. Swimming pool is place for local bum to sleep. Receptionist ask me for spare change and smell like urine. Next time, we go Thomas Cook.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Sir Alex Ferguson blames first class luxury travel to Milan for tiredness. So hard being pampered so much.
Ricahard Scudamore wants everyone to pretend Portsmouth don’t exist starting from…..now
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
If Newcastle United were a footballer, they’d be Ashley Cole – Arguably endowed with a fair amount of talent, yet arrogant, unreliable and, more often than not, viewed as the laughing stock of English football. Fortunately for all involved, the Toon Army this week proved their worth with a much-needed 4-1 victory over Coventry, rather than sending lewd pictures of their waxed nether-regions to various fame-seeking glamour models. Like most of Newcastle’s conquests so far this season, Coventry matched their more illustrious opponents for much of the first half, claiming first blood thanks to Clinton Morrison’s 35th minute finish. However, it would only take two minutes for the slumbering Toon Army to wake up and smell the stench of promotion (you know, the stale odour of Newcastle Brown Ale mixed with various bodily fluids lining the Tyneside streets) as Wayne Routledge once again staked his claim to being the ONLY worthwhile signing of the last transfer window.
Three second-half goals finished the game off, rewarding the Magpies with not only a vital three point lead over second place West Brom (who were unlucky to only draw with Cardiff City) but also a superior goal difference which may prove crucial in such a close league (I say close; Middlesbrough are closer to winning the award for ‘Best Retirement Home for Over the Fence Ex-Celtic Players’ than they are to gaining automatic promotion).
So, with fifteen games to go and a further forty-five point’s available, Newcastle remain just about on course to rejoin football’s elite in the top tier of English football (and who knows – Champions League Football perhaps? If Glenn Roeder could finish the season in 7th, I’m sure Mr. Hughton could give it a crack…great idea Premier League). Looking at the upcoming fixture list, Newcastle should really be expecting to string together a run of victories as they face the three teams currently occupying 13th, 14th and 15th position in the league back to back. In addition, there’s another Middlesbrough game in the very near future so I shall thank Mr. Strachan in advance for the three points (I’m sure Mr. Routledge will offer similar thanks when he gets to take home the match ball, having scored 4 goals with his back against goal…on one leg…blindfolded…).
That just about wraps it up for this week. Short, I know, but with Newcastle United back on winning terms, there really isn’t that much heartache, grief or uncontrollable rage to emote. Sure, I could complain that our once airtight defence is beginning to leak like a glamour model’s message inbox (that’s not an innuendo by the way); I could bemoan the fact that even if Newcastle were to somehow snatch promotion, the prospect of watching us play out mind-numbingly sh** 0-0 draws with Bolton or Wigan is absolutely soul-destroying; I could even write an entire blog on how Leon Best is without a doubt the poorest, most unnecessary signing the club have made for a long, LONG time (and I remember the day we signed Kevin Gallagher)…but no, for now I shall resign myself to a contented week of wishing wrath and pestilence upon West Bromwich Albion (apart for Graham Dorrans, the lad is certainly too talented to deserve such biblical vengeance).
ATTENTION FROWN TALE FANS – Please remember to cast your vote in the DA’s ‘Managers who look a bit too similar to children’s TV characters for comfort ’Poll. I know Postman Pat/Fabio Capello is a shoe-in, but feel free to Tweet in your own suggestions to http://twitter.com/matchoftheda. I’m going for Bagpuss/Avram Grant. Have you ever seen them in the same room?…have you b******s!
Bagpuss: “Me…at a massage-parlour? I must say Professor Yaffle, I haven’t the foggiest idea what you’re talking about!
Portsmouth football club were begging the Premier league for special dispensation to sell players yesterday, after chief executive Peter Storrie revealed he had run out of fresh bird seed and pork scratchings to feed the squad with. Storrie believes that if the Premier League do not step in now the club may be forced to shop at Lidl.
He claimed ‘this is some serious stuff. We’re not talking Co-op here or even Aldi. We’re talking Lidl. We have to be able to sell these players now. We tried just leaving Hassan Yebda by the side of the road but like a true midfielder he kept working his way back. And we nearly managed to sell Angelos Basinas to medical science but this b**** transfer window put a scupper on that.’
The Premier League will now decide what action to take on the latest plea but a spokesmen was quick to play down any responsibility. ‘Oh those guys. Are they not in the Championship yet? If we give them special dispensation to be relegated now can it stop being our problem?’