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Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was left clicking his fingers and exclaiming ‘Oh no he didn’t’ last night after Carlos Tevez ‘got all up in his face and shizz’. The Scotsman was furious after the former United star took advantage of Wes Brown being as talented as a one legged gazelle by slotting home twice in the first leg of the Carling cup Semi final.
Sir Alex huffed ‘I was sure signing a retired stable boy and a Bulgarian opera singer would cover the cracks after Cristiano and Carlos left but apparently modern football has changed. In the crazy world in which we now live, it seems that strikers have to have genuine striking ability and defenders need to be able to defend. Imagine where Steve Bruce or Andy Cole would be today if that had applied in the past!’
Man City manager Roberto Mancini was delighted with the victory saying ‘look, whatever helps sell designer scarfs is fine with me. I need to shift this shipment of 50,000 by the end of the month so if you have any other ideas let me know won’t you?’
East London was last night cursing and Muttering under it’s breath after it was revealed that David Suillivan and David Gold have never even been to the far east. Angry supporters were understandably upset when the former Birmingham owners were seen paying for dinner using twenty pound notes. Head of the official fan club Paolo Di Bubbles said ‘I have 20s in my wallet! They should be paying in helicopters, or gold bullion!’
Sullivan and Gold were officially announced as the new men in charge at West Ham this morning and have promised a transfer kitty ‘big enough to sign Des Walker on loan.’ Supporters have threatened to boycott matches unless the pair can prove they at least own a small country.
One disgruntled fan wrote on an Internet forum ‘what’s all this about balancing the clubs books?! I want to see reckless spending, like a 30million bid for Gareth Bale, or maybe a big screen, Hollywood remake of Eastenders just for pre-match entertainment! Someone get these guys a f***ing oil rig!’
FIFA will today be called in front of Thierry Henry to explain why he is such a terrific guy and how the French forward has made them all ‘delightfully happy’ at how much more money they’ll get after his ‘most helpful’ handball.
Sepp Blatter is reportedly to bow in front of the former Arsenal hitman and present him with a selection of hand cream and moisturisers before placing the striker’s palm on a cardboard cut out of Paul McShane and saying ‘thank you oh great one, thank you for sparing the masses.’
UEFA president and fellow countryman Michel Platini said ‘it’s great to see Thierry honoured for the most awesome of cheating incidents in the history of awesome cheating. There really isn’t enough I can do to promote the act of blatant foul play but hopefully this will go a long way in highlighting just how productive taking short cuts can really be. God bless FIFA and their continuing battle to turn this sport into a haven of divers and cross dressers.’
Remember to join our Facebook group where this summer we’ll be running all kinds of World Cup competitions. Plus, every time we reach another 100 members we’ll give away a free DA t-shirt
This week’s Superviews sees Liverpool and Rafa Benitez under the spotlight of discussion:
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez has declared his job safe and called on the Anfield owners to stop ‘kissing each other in the car park like little fairy girls’ claiming ‘I can say that kind of stuff, cause the tightfisted b*****s don’t want to fork out the money to get rid of me…George Gillett smells like horse poo… See!’
Benitez was interviewed sat on a deluxe, retractable arm chair smoking a pipe and being fed grapes by Daniel Agger and Martin Skrtel. He continued ‘I’ve been leaving my dirty laundry in the boardroom, I’ve started urinating on the pitch because I’m too lazy to get to the gents, I’ve even been ordering 1700 Dominoes pizzas to Tom Hick’s house every Thursday just for kicks. They are so p*****!’
‘But until one of them decides that it’s worth parting with 20 million to never see my face again, I am untouchable. Speaking of which, get my team sheet would you? I think I may stick Lucas Leiva upfront this week. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some fires to start in the club shop.’
Right, here’s the challenge. We’re half way through the transfer window and the media’s getting desperate. The DA is giving you the chance to make it onto our 2010 honour’s list. Here are three completely made up transfer rumours:
- Ruud Van Nistelrooy heading to Notts County in a player/coach role
- Robbie Keane re-signing for Liverpool
- Paolo Maldini to pen a ‘pay as you play’ deal for Chelsea till the end of the season
The aim is to get any of these into media circulation including:
football web sites
Local press
National press
If any of the stories make it onto Sky Sports news, or the clubs in question are forced to make a statement prizes will be on offer.
If you can prove you single handily got the news on Sky Sports or forced a club to make a statement, you will also have a section of the website named after you.
Get gossiping!
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Well thank God for that! Just as I (and, I’m sure more than a few other Newcastle fans) were starting to get concerned by Newcastle’s inability to find the net over recent weeks, the ‘Great Dane’, Sir Peter of Lovenkrands, gallops in to save the day, scoring a terrific hat-trick against a well-below par Plymouth Argyle side in last night’s FA Cup Third Round Replay. Now don’t get me wrong – I am well aware that ‘Pistol Pete’ is at best a solid Championship player. However, if he is able to dominate an opposition more regularly in the league as he did last night in the Cup, the decision to bring back the player for a second spell at the Toon (let’s ignore the painfully obvious fact that no other team thought highly enough of Lovenkrands to sign him up once his contract had expired) would be more than justified.
In other news, Beckford’s potential transfer from ‘dirty, dirty’ Leeds appears to have hit the rocks, due to the ridiculous notion that a player unproven outside of League One is apparently worth more than £1.5m, leaving Newcastle short in terms of proven goalscorers. Yes, Ameobi has been known to miss the corner flag and instead hit the net, but injury has hampered his season thus far. Nile Ranger has registered just one senior goal for the Magpies and doesn’t appear to have the quality to start week in week out at this early stage of his career (the same goes for the 18 year old Ryan Donaldson). That leaves us with Andy Carroll, whose physically imposing yet unselfish style of football places him in a similar mould as Emile Heskey (unfortunately, he would also appear to have the very same phobia of scoring consistently as Emile). Lovenkrands’ hat-trick and performance was certainly a well-timed morale boost, but the same trepidations are sure to re-emerge after the next, inevitable 0-0 bore draw.
As you will notice, this week’s Frown Tale is slightly shorter than previous efforts. Unfortunately for sports journalists (ha) like me, the adverse weather conditions have had a measurable impact on the amount of new revelations with which we have to sneer at and ridicule. Footballers are more likely to be caught chucking self-made yellow snow at each other than doing anything genuinely interesting. Danny Guthrie has spent nearly all of the past five days sledding up and down the same snow-covered hill until his Mum made him come in (reportedly, Danny’s long –pondered response was to erupt into a torrent of tears and tantrums).
So, with Newcastle’s next two ‘big games’ both against West Bromwich Albion (in both league and FA Cup), I thought it only fair to have a brief look at the current Baggies set up and assess how sh*t they’d have to become to still be playing in the same league as Middlesbrough next season. West Brom are currently 6 points behind, and a loss against Newcastle would expand the gulf not just behind the league leaders, but also an ever more impressive Nottingham Forest side (who recently triumphed 3-1 over the Baggies). However, West Brom have scored more goals in the Championship than any other team and they do have potential match-winners in Roman Bednar and Graham Dorrans. Should Newcastle secure automatic promotion back to the Premiership this season, Mondays fixture will surely be looked back upon as the game that confirmed (or alternatively, almost derailed) their ambitions.
I just hope that a West-Brom defeat won’t send long-suffering Baggies fan and marshmallow-like face of MOTD2 Adrian Chiles over the precipice of mortal existence…He already has to do that One Show trash several times a week, give the man a break. However, it is thought not everyone would miss Chiles if the worst were to happen – Comedian Stewart Lee has compared watching the Midlands presenter with ‘being stuck in the buffet car of a slow-moving train with a Toby jug that has miraculously discovered the power of speech…A Toby jug filled to the brim with hot p*ss.” Now I think that’s unfair –at least he’s not Steve Claridge!
Remember to join our Facebook group where this summer we’ll be running all kinds of World Cup competitions. Plus, every time we reach another 100 members we’ll give away a free DA t-shirt
Eddie McGoldrick and John Jensen have both secured a sensational comeback to football by signing a short term deal with Arsenal until the end of the season. Following the return of Sol Campbell, McGoldrick and Jensen were the obvious choices to compliment the midfield and Arsene Wenger looks set to add further to his apparent stroke by bringing in Chris Kiwomya and Paul Dickov up front.
In a press conference on Tuesday the Arsenal manager said ‘You want old, you’ve got old. If young guys with staggering talent and endless stamina didn’t float your boat then you can bloody well enjoy watching John Jensen fall to the floor every five minutes with crippling arthritis pain! On the plus side, the club can now apply for both child benefit and OAP cold weather allowance so the finances look rosy.’
The Arsenal Masters team now looks likely to fold with the majority of their squad heading for trials with the first team. On playing for the reserves on Friday evening Charlie Nicholas said ‘you thought colourful boots were revolutionary, just wait until people get a glimpse of me playing in my new, bright green hips. JJB sports won’t know what’s hit them!
Remember to join our Facebook group where this summer we’ll be running all kinds of World Cup competitions. Plus, every time we reach another 100 members we’ll give away a free DA t-shirt
The Premier League has sent out a warning to icy conditions by strapping hot water bottles to their midriffs and threatening ‘just bring it b***h’. Top executives have been quick to play down the impact of the hazardous conditions to club finances saying ‘being served a winding up order is the tax man’s equivalent of calling your mother obese.’
Despite warnings from several clubs that another postponement would mean failings to meet payment demands, a spokesmen for the governing body said ‘come on, money isn’t a real thing! What are we all worrying about? A couple of years ago everyone said the banks would collapse but we’re still getting screwed by those happy chappies left right and centre aren’t we?’
‘As far as we’re concerned the solution is to keep on throwing more shiny notes at the problem. Man City for example have just signed that Dutch whizz kid Dirk Van Centralheater who will play a pivotal role in the heart of that midfield area. Oh and by the way, all games are off this week. We don’t want anyone doing a hip in slipping over an area where ice once was – can’t you all just watch it on TV? My house gets bigger when you do.
Remember to join our Facebook group where this summer we’ll be running all kinds of World Cup competitions. Plus, every time we reach another 100 members we’ll give away a free DA t-shirt
The Stoke economy was facing financial meltdown this morning after the prospect of Ruud Van Nistelrooy signing for the city’s football club sent thousands into hysterical laughter, grinding things to a shocking halt. The council is warning those suffering from ‘uncontrollable outbursts of chuckling’ to only travel if absolutely necessary as ‘laughing your a** off whilst driving can be a serious road hazard.’
One local resident was quoted as saying ‘Ruud Van Nistelrooy? Stoke City? Oh god here it comes, run for your life! hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Ah my ribs, stop it somebody stop it, help me!’
Local councils have been criticised for not holding back enough supplies of Nigel Quashie to counter the excitement. A statement on the official council website claims that stocks of Nickey Shorey and Craig Gardener have been ordered in but many are saying action has come far too late and that the City will soon crumble under the sheer weight of laughter.