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ARSENAL V HULL
SCORE 3-0
MOST LIKELY – How does Arsene Wenger find something new to moan about week in week out? Seriously, never invite him to a dinner party, the steak won’t be quite right and he won’t be a fan of whatever wine you see fit for the evening. Just face it Arsene, Arsenal are a football team, they play football on a weekly basis. That is how life works. Exactly when would you like to play these games? Should we change the continuum of time just so that William Gallas doesn’t pick up a small calf strain?
ASTON VILLA V STOKE
SCORE 2-0
MOST LIKELY – Villa’s recent form has left everyone rather stumped when it comes to predicting the end of season table. The trouble we seem to have is everyone up to and including Birmingham seem to want a place in the ‘top four’. I’ve played musical chairs before and know the harsh realities of fighting over space, but somewhere along the line someone is going to have to settle for 8th place. And that’s rubbish.
BLACKBURN V TOTTENHAM
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – Blackburn are just starting to slip down the table so it’s about time they got one of those annoying results that no one really wants them to get. I can see Brett Emerton peeling away from a clueless Michael Dawson right now, his hands up joyfully celebrating with a bunch of empty, plastic seats. Ah Blackburn, when will you go away?
FULHAM V MAN UTD
SCORE 1-2
MOST LIKELY – Fulham in the last 48 of Europe, crazy stuff. That’s like Dale Winton being given a World Heavyweight title shot (now there’s something we’d all like to see.) Man Utd should probably just get the better of them here. Good local one for all the Man Utd fans too so should be a good turn out.
MAN CITY V SUNDERLAND
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – Must be nice being Mark Hughes knowing your club is actively seeking your replacement in the broad daylight of the national media. Rumour has it they’ll be holding interviews in the dugout behind Hughes this weekend as well. Things are just beginning to turn a bit sour for City and I think things could go very wrong very quickly. That being said they should still beat Sunderland who treat away games like they would a pack of Lions. They tend to just keep their distance and hope no one notices them.
PORTSMOUTH V LIVERPOOL
SCORE 2-3
MOST LIKELY – Liverpool seem unable to defend but Portsmouth do play with Dindane upfront so things should even themselves out rather nicely here.
EVERTON V BIRMINGHAM
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – Where the hell did Birmingham come from? On Tuesday they were five points off a Champions league place. And it’s December! Have the FA miscounted their points? Has there been a clerical error? Everton really need to get their season back on track and despite having an injury list that reads like a phone book, they should just about have enough.
WEST HAM V CHELSEA
SCORE 1-3
MOST LIKELY – West Ham appear to have massive problems. You know times are hard when you’re begging for a takeover from David Gold and David Sulluvan. They’ve apparently promised 20 million to spend in January. These days that might be just about enough to convince Darren Anderton to come out of retirement or best case scenario sign Titus Bramble on loan.
WOLVERHAMPTON V BURNLEY
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – Mick McCarthy hasn’t put any pressure on himself has he? But, why play Manchester United when you can take on Burnley full strength? Surely that’s the whole reason for being in the Premiership, to beat Championship sides easily and prevent fans from seeing the games they really wanted to see in the first place? Forgive me if I’ve missed something but what’s the point in playing in the Premier league if you’re not even going to embrace the reason you’re there in the first place? Oh money, that’s right, our age old friend money.
WIGAN V BOLTON
SCORE Does it matter?
MOST LIKELY – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has criticised the Premier League for forcing his players to participate in the game of Football despite them clearly having better things to do, a report has claimed. The Frenchmen is furious that he was left with the kit bag at Burnley and fumed that two days to wash and dry is ’simply laughable.’
‘Can the Premier League not appreciate that tumble drying significantly increases the risk of colour fade? Also I don’t know if they’ve noticed but these players are stonkingly rich. The last thing they want to be doing is running around against Hull in shorts at this time of year! As quality footballers they’ve earned the right to actually never play football and instead just make it look like they do in big budget Nike adverts.’
Every Sunday league player in the country has been quoted as saying ‘I knock back eight pints on Saturday, fall asleep with a kebab balanced on my face in the early hours and have a whopping great fry up on match day, yet somehow I seem to turn in an alright shift. And that’s without the need for horse placenta being rubbed on my crotch every two hours or the desire to live in a giant oxygen tank filled with positive thoughts from Costa Rica. And I’ll be at bloody training on Monday as well!’
The nation was in shock last night after Milton Keynes narrowly pipped Leicester to become part of England’s losing World Cup bid. Other sites earmarked to suffer painful defeat to far better bids included Plymouth, Sunderland and Nottingham.
Lord Mawhinney, head of the campaign said ‘it was a really tough decision, seriously I didn’t realize how many hellholes actually exist in our fine country. But when it came down to Milton Keynes or Leicester I just thought to myself, Leicester is really really really horrible whereas Milton Keynes hasn’t really had time to rot yet. And I’m also a massive fan of roundabouts, so naturally Mk got the nod.
Host cities will now spend six months planning lucrative development projects that will never ever happen creating 300 jobs and wasting a staggering amount of time. One FIFA executive was quoted as saying ‘the fact that I’m even having to consider Plymouth as a genuine World cup venue is surely one massive joke? Am I on tv? That Blatter is a right stitch up. When are we having another meeting so I can eat free food and steal luxury hotel towels?’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Bloody Barnsley; I just knew something bad was going to happen…why else would this fixture have taken its time to stalk the Newcastle Frown Tale blog week in, week out, haunting its reoccurring opening line like the ever-present figure of Yakubu at his local ‘Krispy Kreme’ outlet. In all honesty, a 2-2 away draw may not have been the worst result given Barnsley’s solid performance. Fortunately, West Brom were extremely lucky to even manage a point against a spirited QPR team on Monday night’s fixture as they were unable to capitalize on Newcastle’s stutter. Neither did Middlesbrough, although this wasn’t really that surprising (don’t worry, more Boro-baiting to come people.)
Andy Carroll, although not on the score sheet against Barnsley (his name seems more likely to be found on a Tyneside police-station’s arrest record at this point in time), turned provider twice to set up both Marlon Harewood and the exceptional Kevin Nolan. This week, in a rival blog, (BBC Sport anyone? – No, I haven’t heard of them either) Nolan has been heralded as ‘The Championship’s Best Player’, narrowly beating Francis Jeffers, Jason Euell and one of Peterborough’s ballboys (you know, the one who’s charged with picking the ball out of the net every time they concede…I think he got nominated for sheer effort). A fair result most would say (excluding the parents of Peterborough’s little Jimmy Clacker) – Nolan has arguably been on of the league’s most consistent performers and, unlike many in the Toon army squad, would probably be capable of recreating such technical skill and impressive form in England’s top tier. Hopefully he’ll get the chance – then again, he could sign for Middlesbrough and have a go at next season’s ‘Best player in League One’ contest (can you see a theme forming?)
In more disturbing news, Mike Ashley is once again in the morning papers – not on the back pages’ sporting sections or Page 3 (c’mon, he’s at least a DD, he should be proud of his assets). No, this week, Ashley’s glutinous face was littering business supplements across the country due to an ongoing investigation into his loan-dealings with a now non-existent Icelandic Bank, just before the well-publicised crash. So, clearly not satisfied with near-destroying an English football club, Ashley has now seemingly brought a small country/budget frozen food retailer to its knees (don’t worry, its not libellous if everyone hates whoever the potentially libellous claims are aimed towards).
These two beautiful Geordie lasses are set to grace the Icelandic edition of Playboy in the New Year…RRP 66,000,000 krónur
Well, you know what I say – let the Geordie and Icelandic people unite against Ashley and his decadent Sports Direct ‘Empire’. Not since Jon Dahl Tomasson enjoyed the best years of his career at Newcastle (OK, that one definitely IS libellous) has there been such camaraderie between the North-East English and Scandinavian people. My brothers in arms, I suggest a direct attack on the Dark Lord’s Citadel AKA Sports Direct, Slough! (p.s My Icelandic brethren – You bring the catapults, arms and woad, we’ll bring the Newkie Brown and disgruntled banners.) Then, to Middlesbrough and the Riverside for some good, old’ fashioned pillaging!
So yes, you may have already guessed by my tongue-in-cheek remarks about a certain Teesside team that this weekend will host the first Newcastle vs. Middlesbrough derby of the season. Barnsley may have been a minor hitch, but rest assured, if Newcastle lose to Boro this Sunday I will be forced into doing something drastic (your suggestions are welcome, feel free to use the comment function provided!). Some forfeits I have so far pondered are: 1) Undertake extreme facial re-configurative surgery that will transform me into the likeness of Gareth Southgate, uttering only the phrase ‘A-HA!’ for the rest of my miserable existence. 2) Even more expensive than the first option, take Gordon Strachan down the local and offer to buy him his drinks for the night (and remember to take out loan at Icelandic bank beforehand). 3) Knock on the door of Newcastle legend Alan Shearer’s house dressed in a full replica Boro strip, reveal a personally collected stool sample before mushing it into face and then reel away with shirt over-head, emulating Teesside favourite Fabrizio Ravenelli’s famous goal celebration.
On the flip side of the coin, if Newcastle United succeed in winning I get to spend the whole blog talking about how great we are and how s*** Middlesbrough are…Well, it’d make a nice change…
Mick McCarthy is being hailed as the ‘new father of Christmas’ after the Wolves boss fielded a side full of street orphans and underprivileged children for the big game against Manchester United last night. Despite losing the match 3-0 star striker ‘Little Timmy’ branded the experience ‘the best day of his *cough cough* life *cough cough*’.
Premier league rivals have branded the gesture a mockery to football but McCarthy has stood by his decision saying ‘even my fully fed first team couldn’t win at Old Trafford, so we haven’t lost anything really. Slyvian Ebanks-Blake or a homeless pick pocket who plays a harmonica with his toes for money, it makes little to no difference, they’d both balloon wide from 5 yards.’
This is not the first time Wolves have been praised for their charitable nature. They are famous for donating three points to most Premier League sides and McCarthy has promised this policy will continue at least until April. But the irish man has stressed he intends to beat Hull because ‘who doesn’t?’
Tottenham full back Benoit Assou-Ekotto will not be charged with alleged assault after the Spurs fan claiming the attack withdrew all charges from the window of his brand new Jaguar. The man, who can not be named for legal reasons said ‘holy c*** I’m stinkingly rich! This is ace this, it came with a topless model in the back and everything! What did I come here to talk about?’
Spurs officials have denied any bribery was involved insisting ‘look, the guy came for a one on one meeting with Benoit, we can’t be held responsible if a brand new Jaguar with the door wide open, keys to a holiday home off the coast of Spain and a large wad of scrumptious looking cash all happen to be in the same room, it’s merely a coincidence.’
Meanwhile Tottenham winger David Bentley looks set to hold showdown talks with manager Harry Redknapp after his Jaguar and page 3 girlfriend went missing from the club’s car park. ‘I don’t get it, I parked it for training just like normal, threw loads of money at Tina and went on my jolly way. I come back to find an empty space and an IOU signed by the gaffa.’ A Tottenham spokesmen said, ‘no one cares about David Bentley, now take this nice new Rolex we stole from his bag and go report on Arsenal would you?’
Seeing as it’s the holiday season and all, the DA thought we’d go the same way as most C list celebrities and make a ‘footballers c*** things up’ compilation (it was either that or do a voice over for Morrisons and frankly their mince pies are below par at best).
So, merry Christmas everyone – enjoy the highlights of 2009 on film:
1. ROCKY MISSES WITH A RIGHT
What better way to kick off than with Mr Rocky Baptiste, a man who models himself on Emile Heskey with his eyes shut. To say you’re gran could score this would be fairly cliche, but most grans would probably’ve dived down and nodded this in with their perm.
2. FAN TASTIC
If Rocky wants some lessons on finishing he should look no further than this Russian supporter who makes the likes of Gareth Southgate and other penalty misfits look…well, like a right bunch of t****. You can train all week, mentally focus, pick your spot, but some crazy beer bellied Russians are just born with it.
3. GONE IN 30 SECONDS
Now this keeper is the man. He’s not the kind of the guy who can merely settle for keeping them out at one end, he wants in on the action upfront, because quite frankly, he’s that good. Mental note here though, for anyone training to be such a hero, try not to celebrate with your adoring fans too long or you might end up looking like a bit of a t***.
4. SAVE IT FOR LATER
Talking of goalkeepers, and t***s step up Jens Lehman. The German nutcase is a walking headline and he’s become so arrogant in recent times that now he feels he can relieve himself during play, as a sort of playground ‘go on, do your worst’ at the opposition. Taking a whizz can not be aided by big f*** off goalkeeping gloves. But with 40,000 people watching, at least Jens can sleep soundly knowing that stage freight doesn’t affect his performance.
5. DAVID BATTY ON SPEED
There are a lot of hard men still in the game; John Terry, Steven Gerrard, Michael Essien just to name a few. But few know that after former Premier league hard man David Batty left English football he decided to have the op and play women’s soccer in the States. The unstable testosterone levels are still proving an issue for Davina, as shown here.
6. BALLS
There is one pain a woman will never understand however, and that is a shot to the crown jewels. At first you wince, groan, share endless sympathy for the poor guy. But then you do as the commentators do and laugh your a*** off uncontrollably.
7. YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY, RIGHT ROUND
I apologise for reaching number 7 and as yet producing no own goals. But fear not, this will completely make up for it. This goalkeeper is dazed, confused, and…umm c***. Still it wasn’t really his fault, his manager picked him after all.
8. SILENT TREATMENT
Now there aren’t many things scarier than Roy Keane but Roy Keane having a Vietnam flashback is certainly one of them. This mobile phone obviously triggers the traumatic last few days in Cambodian war camp, and the pain in the eyes is there for all to see.
9. PLAYING WITH YOUR KICK
Very childish this one, Paul Merson says c*** hahahahahahahaha, phallic.
10. HENRY’S A NO BODY
No one condones cheating. But put very simply, this is the greatest piece of cheating you will ever see. You don’t think it can possibly get any funnier until you see the outcome of the blatant dive. Well done sir, well done.
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez has insisted that his side’s season must at least start next season after finally conceding this one isn’t ‘working out particularly well.’ When asked whether he would rather win the Europa league or the FA cup Benitez held back tears before desperately trying to hang his tie around the ‘This is Anfield sign’.
‘I’m taking every game as it comes, mainly because I can’t face the trauma of realizing how badly we’re going to finish this year. You know that Stoke City have lost less games than us? That’s nothing a father should be telling his children.’
Benitez is now odds on favourite to turn his season around by leaving the club and playing some golf but Liverpool owner Tom Hicks is adamant the Spaniard isn’t going anywhere. ‘Have you any idea how much it’d cost to get rid of him? For that kind of pay off, I’d keep George Bush in charge.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Peter Cech plans to take some tips from Hilario.. in no way is that a good thing.
Younes Kaboul admits he’s pretty stupid. It’s f**** freezing in Sunderland!
Sir Alex Ferguson has seen more time added on to a game United were actually winning!
Bobby Zamora is 2 in 2. I need a lie down.
Rafa Benitez can’t really be bothered to get up today, what’s the point?
BIRMINGHAM V WEST HAM
SCORE 1-2
MOST LIKELY – Birmingham are starting to surprise a lot of people. They’ve ditched their love of jumping through trap doors and seem to be climbing as high up the tree as possible. Even Lee Bowyer seems to be contributing to football rather than collecting ASBO’s. Surely this fine run can’t continue? Especially with the Christmas party season upon us. He’ll be back headbutting happy go lucky clubbers in no time and quite frankly, good. Let’s get things back to normal, change is scary.
BOLTON V MAN CITY
SCORE 0-3
MOST LIKELY – This week Gary Megson tried to avert pressure on his position by saying the pressure on him is less than the pressure of critical illness…Wow, way to play down the pressure Gary, you’re good. There are of course many things that are far more stressful than being Bolton Wanderers manager (a conversation with Katie Price for example) but let’s face it, Gary Megson is on a plank, and the only reason he hasn’t gone yet is because Iain Dowie is climbing up the side of the ship.
BURNLEY V FULHAM
SCORE 1-0
MOST LIKELY – Burnley don’t seem to have won for a while now, which isn’t surprising I suppose seeing as, well, they’re Burnley. But I fancy them against Fulham. Bobby Zamora bagged his goal for the season last week so he’ll be quiet this time round and honestly here who really wants to play up at Turf Moor in the middle of December when you’ve got Christmas shopping to be getting on with? No one, that’s who.
CHELSEA V EVERTON
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – Although I expected Everton to do well they seem to keep entering games that they have no chance of winning. This is quite odd for a team that should be doing well so perhaps I should finally admit that my prediction was utter b*****. Still, at least they have a player in Billetaqqwuencfoplfpinov who contains every letter of the alphabet in his name. That’s impressive.
HULL V BLACKBURN
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – Apologies, but I can’t muster up enough energy to pretend to care about the outcome of this one. Like shampoo, avoid direct contact with eyes.
MAN UTD V ASTON VILLA
SCORE 1-2
MOST LIKELY – Yeah, that’s right, double take that scoreline. That’s what we call slapping our b**** on the table and saying ‘this is me’. I’m going for a shock away win because….well….I’m not quite sure, but hey if you stick money on it and it comes true, you’ll be loaded. That’s just science.
STOKE V WIGAN
SCORE 0-2
MOST LIKELY – Despite trying to play down punching one of his own players as just a bit of ‘dressing room disagreement’ Tony Pullis is likely to feel the wrath of angry players having to stumble into training hanging out of their a*** after a night of heavy boozing. We’ve all been there (some of us, no names mentioned, have even regurgitated our kebabs on the half way line) so I’m sure everyone will understand why the Stoke squad will choose to call this one a write off. Has anyone actually seen James Beattie this week by the way. He’s not rolled up in a rug somewhere is he?
SUNDERLAND V PORTSMOUTH
SCORE 3-0
MOST LIKELY – Portsmouth denied being in administration this week and that was a direct quote from their administrator. He said he just liked looking over numbers to see where people can cut costs, more of a hobby really. Peter Storrie has also denied he’s been down on hands and knees around Fratton Park looking for dropped change, but then who wouldn’t? I bet they wish they could find Harry Redknapp’s secret vault right about now.
TOTTENHAM V WOLVES
SCORE 4-1
MOST LIKELY – Good to see all the England boys warming up last week by cocking up all their penalties in unison. I simply don’t know which one will miss the crucial one in South Africa now. It’s going to be exciting! As for this game, anyone who can see Wolves winning this one is an outright liar. You should be ashamed of yourself.
LIVERPOOL V ARSENAL
SCORE 2-2
MOST LIKELY – At some point, Liverpool have to stop being rubbish…That is all.