The DA

Seeing as it’s the holiday season and all, the DA thought we’d go the same way as most C list celebrities and make a ‘footballers c*** things up’ compilation (it was either that or do a voice over for Morrisons and frankly their mince pies are below par at best).

So, merry Christmas everyone – enjoy the highlights of 2009 on film:

1. ROCKY MISSES WITH A RIGHT

What better way to kick off than with Mr Rocky Baptiste, a man who models himself on Emile Heskey with his eyes shut. To say you’re gran could score this would be fairly cliche, but most grans would probably’ve dived down and nodded this in with their perm.

2. FAN TASTIC

If Rocky wants some lessons on finishing he should look no further than this Russian supporter who makes the likes of Gareth Southgate and other penalty misfits look…well, like a right bunch of t****. You can train all week, mentally focus, pick your spot, but some crazy beer bellied Russians are just born with it.

3. GONE IN 30 SECONDS

Now this keeper is the man. He’s not the kind of the guy who can merely settle for keeping them out at one end, he wants in on the action upfront, because quite frankly, he’s that good. Mental note here though, for anyone training to be such a hero, try not to celebrate with your adoring fans too long or you might end up looking like a bit of a t***.

4. SAVE IT FOR LATER

Talking of goalkeepers, and t***s step up Jens Lehman. The German nutcase is a walking headline and he’s become so arrogant in recent times that now he feels he can relieve himself during play, as a sort of playground ‘go on, do your worst’ at the opposition. Taking a whizz can not be aided by big f*** off goalkeeping gloves. But with 40,000 people watching, at least Jens can sleep soundly knowing that stage freight doesn’t affect his performance.

5. DAVID BATTY ON SPEED

There are a lot of hard men still in the game; John Terry, Steven Gerrard, Michael Essien just to name a few. But few know that after former Premier league hard man David Batty left English football he decided to have the op and play women’s soccer in the States. The unstable testosterone levels are still proving an issue for Davina, as shown here.

6. BALLS

There is one pain a woman will never understand however, and that is a shot to the crown jewels. At first you wince, groan, share endless sympathy for the poor guy. But then you do as the commentators do and laugh your a*** off uncontrollably.

7. YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY, RIGHT ROUND

I apologise for reaching number 7 and as yet producing no own goals. But fear not, this will completely make up for it. This goalkeeper is dazed, confused, and…umm c***. Still it wasn’t really his fault, his manager picked him after all.

8. SILENT TREATMENT

Now there aren’t many things scarier than Roy Keane but Roy Keane having a Vietnam flashback is certainly one of them. This mobile phone obviously triggers the traumatic last few days in Cambodian war camp, and the pain in the eyes is there for all to see.

9. PLAYING WITH YOUR KICK

Very childish this one, Paul Merson says c*** hahahahahahahaha, phallic.

10. HENRY’S A NO BODY

No one condones cheating. But put very simply, this is the greatest piece of cheating you will ever see. You don’t think it can possibly get any funnier until you see the outcome of the blatant dive. Well done sir, well done.

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