The DA: About Us | Subscribe
From The Offside: UEFA Champions League | Premier League | La Liga | Champions League Tickets | Noticias de Futbol
From World Cup Blog: Euro 2012 Qualifying | 2012 Africa Cup of Nations Qualifying | USA Soccer
Portsmouth Football club have denied being asked to switch all the Fratton park lights off and drop the keys under the mat. Rumours of a costly run in with HM revenue & customs began early yesterday morning after the club attempted to pay this months wages in chocolate coins and threatened to sell any player ‘found guilty of giving the tax man a taste’ to Hull City.
Chief executive Peter Storrie said ‘look, it’s not really a big problem. As soon as we can figure out who the actual owner of the club is we can hassle them to pay the bills but the problem is, it could literally be anyone. It’s not you is it?’
Storrie continued ‘we should probably have declared that Dindane bloke but I just didn’t think anyone would notice him to be honest, he didn’t even know what a football was when he came here. And calling Fratton Park a three bedroomed semi may have been an error as well but if you look close enough, it bloody could be you know.’
Bolton Wanderers are set to appoint a new c*** manager by Friday to steer the ship well and truly towards Championship football after former boss Gary Megson finally realised that Bolton aren’t in fact very good at all.
The shortlist reads like a who’s who of unrelenting failures with early favourites including Iain Dowie, Tony Adams, Paul Ince and Peter Andre. Whoever comes in will have the entire transfer window to bring in dead wood like Nigel Quashie and Marcus Bent on £40,000 a week contracts just to really f*** themselves over when they can’t beat Scunthorpe in a years time.
Megson finally took the hump to supporters calling him a ‘f***** useless sack of *$%& who can’t tell his elbow from Johan Elmander’ and walked out of the Reebok this morning saying ‘there’s plenty more opportunities for Gary Megson don’t you worry about me. Between you and me I heard the Darlington job might be available by February. Who’ll be laughing then huh?!’
Former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has admitted that he’s so desperate to return to the English Premier league, that he’d consider an option as s*** as Man City, ‘providing enough bags of money were stuffed into his new Ferrari.’
Commenting on the Italian league the ’special one’ said ‘bribes, threats and fixed results are all very fun, but to be honest I’d just rather stay out of it all and watch the Godfather trilogy. Similarly watching Samuel Eto’o trying to fit into an eleven man defence is amusing but then, so is Mickey Blue Eyes when Huw Grant puts on that lovable Italian accent…that guys a hoot!.’
On his return Mourinho added ‘I would look down any road…Of course not Bolton or Hull, that’s a road no one should look down. But Man City might be OK, as long as Stoke or Birmingham didn’t come in first. In the mean time I’m 100% focused on managing Inter Milan. Oh look, a monkey hehehehe.’
New Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has hit out at reports of a rift between Welsh striker Craig Bellamy insisting that the forward ‘treats everyone with the same amount of hatred, so it’s really hard to tell.’
Speculation has been rife that the former Liverpool front man is loyal to Mark Hughes, a fact Mancini has denied. ‘People say Craig liked Mark Hughes. Basically all that means is he didn’t throw rocks at his car when a decision went against him in training. There was a lot of respect there sure, but Bellamy would still call him a ‘f***** useless f***** b*****’ if the potatoes in the canteen were cold.’
He continued ‘managing Craig Bellamy is a lot like managing a pit bull terrier that’s just got it b***** caught in some barbed wire. He is the only player I know who comes with a health and safety warning tattooed on his person. I didn’t notice it at first but I have now followed instructions and ordered in some protective head gear and construction standard earmuffs.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Alberto Aquilani can’t believe the one time he has to play everyone else gets to sit on their a*** burping turkey.
Roberto Mancini would like to thank his gran for knitting him a brand new Man City scarf 
Alex Mcleish is waiting for a team drug testing summon to arrive after going 10 unbeaten.
Father Christmas doesn’t support any of your s***y teams so stop wearing hats saying I do!
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Merry Christmas one and all! ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and also to give the local team down the road the kind of stuffing normally reserved for the Xmas turkey, which is just what Newcastle United did on Sunday afternoon. Now, I realise it wasn’t a classic – Middlesbrough had a couple of decent spells within the game and the Toon Army were very fortunate that Steven Taylor’s gibbon-like arms were once again able to miraculously stop the ball from hitting the back of the Magpie’s net (it does seem to happen on a fairly regular basis, as I believe I have already highlighted in a previous blog). However, all in all, it is hard not to be overwhelmingly smug and satisfied with the result. Both starting strikers registered on the score sheet (with the once-maligned Shola Ameobi powering home a headed 7th goal in 7 games in the second half). Even more impressive was the fantastic performance of Argentinean centre-back Fabricio Coloccini. Now, compare his performance on Sunday to that of any of his Premier League shifts last season. The ‘old’ Coloccini was a clumsy, late tackler, giving away dangerous set-pieces left, right and centre. When facing a forward in possession, he would often retreat under pressure and try to play his way out of trouble, forgoing the simple pass or clearance, and often losing the ball in the process.
Did I mention Fab also has a decent right-hook…Not what you’d expect from someone who has an uncanny resemblance to the lead-singer of 80’s Rock-Fairies Whitesnake.
On Sunday, Fabricio was a scholar and a gentleman – Leroy Lita was marked out of the game, Dave Kitson resorted to kicking people and Marcus Bent looked like the type of player that has ‘graced’ 12 different clubs in only 13 years. Once in possession, Fab (by name and by nature) either played a simple sweeping pass or, if feeling more adventurous, drifted past players seemingly at will. I know there’s a slight difference between marking out Leroy Lita and attempting to halt a rampaging Fernando Torres, but practice makes perfect and Coloccini is now starting to show the form we expected from an Argentinean international.
So, what now of Middlesbrough? It’s not looking good for the Teesiders, who have fallen a massive 20 points behind Newcastle and 5 points off 6th place. Compare this with the position that Boro were in just before Gareth Southgate was shown the door – just 1 point off the Championship summit. I’m not saying that Southgate was a great manager and the very fact that Middlesbrough now find themselves in the second tier of English football is obviously, to some extent, due to Southgate’s mismanagement of the team (£12.7m for Afonso Alves anyone?). However, with such a large number of unemployed, decent managers available including Alan Curbishley, Steve Coppell and at, that point, Roberto Mancini (well, they may have struggled with the last one), Gordon Strachan seemed, and has proven to be, a slightly perplexing choice, Hopefully (and I genuinely mean this), Strachan will have the January window to have a good look at his Boro squad, raise the necessary transfer funds through a couple of well-thought-out sales (Adam Johnson and David Wheater are surely Premiership-bound) and bring in the type of players who have the desire and intestinal-fortitude for a long, hard slog to the play-offs.
Anyway, let’s get back on track and have a quick look at what the festive period has in store for Newcastle United. First up is a trip to Sheffield on Boxing Day as the Magpies face the Owls of a much beleaguered Sheffield Wednesday. The club find themselves third from bottom, manager less after the departure of Brian Laws and facing a Newcastle team unbeaten in 8 games. Excluding any unforeseeable, massive cock-ups (ooh, I don’t know, Kevin Nolan hitting a shot so hard against the Wednesday crossbar that it rebounds off, flying past Steve Harper into the Newcastle net…twice), this should prove to be an easy 3 points. Then, just 2 days later (Arsene Wenger must be on suicide watch over the Christmas period, all those fixtures!), Newcastle face 18th place Derby, another ‘should win’ game. Hopefully, Santa will grant my Christmas wish, as both West Brom and Cardiff City embark on two of the longest, most depressing losing streaks in either club’s history. Then January comes and, after a ground-breaking FA meeting, a decision is made to promote Newcastle back into the Premiership early…the Toon Army are then consequently relegated in April due to the fact that they have only had 19 games to secure a place in the top 17. Lather, rinse, then repeat…
Merry Christmas to all of you who have helped support the DA – Toon Army!
The Virgin Arsene has been impregnated with a striking saviour in time for the January transfer window but three wise men have warned the star will be ineligible for the Champions league last 16. Wenger is due to give birth to ‘Thierry Wright-Bergkamp’ on Christmas day and will instantly sign him up to a five year contract consisting of copious payments in Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.
The moaning Frenchmen said ‘Being pregnant really hurts, surely the Premier League can get together and sort out a better timetable than 9 months of torture, it just doesn’t make sense. Even just 3-4 rest days between contractions would be helpful.’ On being impregnated Wenger seemed confused adding ‘I did not see the incident, but I have to except it now. I will be appealing though.’
The Arsenal manager will now begin a long trek to Bethlehem on the back of Robin Van Persie before flying back on boxing day to face Aston Villa. In celebration, American billionaire Sam Kroenke has promised to buy another one share taking him ever close to the number that will finally allow the media to shut the f*** up about his s***** takeover.
Bookies have slashed the odds on Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini being sacked before this weekend’s game against Stoke after the Italian’s winless streak hit the 24 hour mark. City owner Sheikh Mansour is reportedly flying into England today to hold talks with Mancini and the Italian is set to learn his fate immediately after introducing himself to the backroom staff.
Chief executive Garry Cook refused to answer questions on the mounting speculation but did make a statement on the issue. He said ‘We are doing everything we can to make Manchester City a successful football club, if that means beheading staff and ordering hits on Craig Bellamy then so be it. Roberto knows his targets and quite frankly no wins in 24 hours is not in line with those targets.’
The richest club in the world is apparently causing havoc at Manchester airport as private jets containing continental managers create a stacking nightmare for air traffic control. One employee said ‘I just don’t know how many more we can take, Luis Felippe Scolari and Gus Hiddink came so close to colliding last night, and we’ve had reports Maradona’s so bored he’s taken control of the flight deck. They’ve even flown Peter Taylor in from London..have these guys heard of a f**** limo?’
The labour government suffered a big set back in their pre-election campaign this week after Chelsea defender John Terry raised concerns over the UK’s spiralling inflation rate. Terry revealed it now costs a staggering ten thousand English pounds to watch Didier Drogba and Michael Ballack wash each other with bath salts in a hot tub whilst prices rocket closer to twenty thousand to see Joe Cole waxing his chest.
Other items of costly concern include:
£5,000 to ask Ashley Cole face to face why he’s such a d***
£5,000 to watch John Terry leave a bear trap in Frank Lampard’s locker
£5,000 for a Chelsea season ticket ( in row W with restricted view)
Terry has also been seen leaving Chelsea’s training ground with wheelbarrows full of money drawing dangerous comparisons to scenes of ‘hyper inflation’ last witnessed post World War one. Prime Minister Gordon Brown said ‘I’ll admit it looks bad, if it’s ten thousand to see Michael Ballack in a hot tub then essentials like Bread and milk should be at least £15k. It’s getting silly, I paid over a grand to watch Harriet Harman shower last week, if I were you I’d emigrate.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Mark Hughes is actually quite happy. He stuck £5,000 on Roberto Mancini to be next Man City manager two weeks ago.
Roberto Mancini is a little miffed Mark Hughes wouldn’t let him pick the team yesterday, talk about clinging on…get out of my chair!
Garry Cook really isn’t very good at his job.
Sir Alex Ferguson genuinely misses Chris Casper. Please, someone just give me one defender!
Rafa Bentiez is damn angry. Where did Mancini come from? I wanted that job!