The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
To begin, I’d just like to run you through a quick list of the top 5 “Most Hated Men in History” (alive or dead) according to a recent UK public poll – It reads as follows;
“The 5 Most Hated Men in History” – as chosen by the British Public
1. Adolf Hitler – Head of the Nazi regime and leader of the “Third Reich”
2. Judas Iscariot – Betrayer of Jesus Christ, general nuisance.
3. Joseph Stalin – Genocidal, now-deceased leader of the former Soviet Union.
4. Ben Elton – Creator of ‘We Will Rock You – The Musical’, general f***-wit.
5. Ivan IV of Russia/“Ivan the Terrible” – Killed a few people once, not responsible for ‘We Will Rock You – The Musical’.
Fairly self-explanatory I suppose – I’d probably put Elton above Stalin but that’s just my own personal preference. However, a similar poll recently carried out in the city of Newcastle garnered a slightly different line-up:
“The 5 Most Hated Men in History” – as chosen by population of Newcastle
1. Mike Ashley – Chairman of Newcastle United FC, alleged member of the Cockney ‘Cosa Nostra’ (Cockney Mafia).
2. Niall Quinn – Sunderland based businessman/ex-footballer.
3. Ben Elton – Southern n***e.
4. Dennis Wise – Shady Hitman/hired muscle for the Cockney Mafia
5. Adolf Hitler – Second-rate Charlie Chaplin impersonator.
I’m sure Mr Hitler would be slightly peeved at dropping to fifth; however, Ashley must be delighted to see both himself and his team topping tables!
Ben Elton – More hated than Hitler? You decide.
Now let’s face it, Mike Ashley has never been a popular man on Tyneside – Responsible for the hiring of Big Sam Allardyce, the arrival and subsequent departure of one Kevin Keegan and an instrumental figure in Newcastle United’s relegation from the top flight of English football; a man that changes his mind about whether to sell the club more than Nick Griffin changes his mind about the plausibility of the Holocaust. So what was his fantastic plan of action to both win over the Geordie faithful and give the club a much needed financial boost? Simple – rename the stadium…Hmmmm, now I can’t see a lot of Newcastle residents jumping for joy the air over that decision. To make things worse, Ashley has chosen the most ridiculous sport’s stadium name since NHL team The Nashville Predators played their matches at ‘Gaylord’s Entertainment Centre’. So, I am proud (no, not proud…what’s the word…oh yes, pained) to announce that the new home of Newcastle United will be called *drum roll*…The “sportsdirect.com@St.James’ Park Stadium”. Oh look, when I type it in it becomes a hyperlink, how wonderful!!! Other names said to have been banded around were:
1. St. Ashley’s Park
2. The https://www.sportsdirect.com/User/Login.aspx?ReturnUrl=%2fCheckout%2fdefault.aspx Stadium
3. Jabba’s Palace
This blog is now sponsored by Sports Direct – All hail Mike Ashley, our rotund overloard!!!
Amazingly, the debate over whether to besmirch the hallowed stadium’s name even reached the House of Commons. David Clelland, the Labour MP for Tyne Bridge, tabled a Commons motion earlier this week asking Mr. Ashley to review his decision. The MP also didn’t mix his words when addressing Ashley’s reign as Newcastle Chairman, stating “Mr Ashley has not been particularly good for the club. He’s had his day.” (However, Mr Clelland has forgotten that the Labour Government are essentially sponsoring the North East Club – they did, after all, nationalise Northern Rock.) Surprisingly, the US government have yet to officially comment on developments in North-East England. However, when quizzed on the issue by the international press earlier this week, President Obama reportedly stated, ‘”Look, I don’t know what who f**ck the Toon Army are or where they come from, but if those**holes want a piece I’m ready to go Baby!” Moments after the press-conference’s conclusion, a White House spokesperson issued a statement to the press, declaring that the president was ‘unwell’ and had ‘not been himself, lately’. It is yet to be seen whether or not the shock of winning the Nobel Peace Prize has driven the 48 year old insane.
This weekend, the sportsdirect.com@St.James’ Park crowd welcome Peterborough, hoping to avoid a repeat of the earlier League Cup tie between the two that Newcastle lost 2-0. A fortunate win over Sheffield United on Monday has given the team a much needed confidence boost, restoring our position as league leaders (just). Hopefully, Ashley will have moved in some SportsDirect stock onto the pitch, creating a makeshift obstacle course that should prevent Mackail-Smith and his kin from even catching a glimpse of the Newcastle goal. Well done Mike!
