The DA

Sir Alex Ferguson has staked his claim to become President of Europe after the Lisbon Treaty was finally ratified. Feguson said he would use his power to ‘make all referees run constantly in the middle of a big exercise wheel’ and ’stop UEFA bullying Darren Fletcher.’

Incensed by last nights decision to accuse the Scots midfielder of diving, after being struck by a Russian warhead, the United manager fumed ‘the idea of Darren Fletcher being an extravagant diver is like the idea of Didier Drogba being a brute of a centre half who takes a good kicking week in week out. It’s absurd!’

It’s unknown whether or not Ferguson would keep his job at United should he get the nod for the position but he has confessed he is in discussions with Tony Blair about a potential coaching role and rumours are rife that Eric Cantona would be offered the ‘chief of French people moaning at rest of EU’ post.

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