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Leading figures in the alcohol retail sector have warned that Arsenal are still collectively too young to win a league or be served cheap bottles of cider to take down the park. Mr Cuba Libre, chief executive at ‘Bargain booze’ claimed it was time Arsene Wenger bought someone who knew the subtle differences between a bottle of pinot noir and gasoline.
‘If I saw Theo Walcott walk into one of my shops I wouldn’t even sell him cigarettes. In fact, if I ever saw him trying to buy a 15 rated movie I’d most likely ask for ID. As for Gael Clichy, I’ve seen more stubble on the top of Richard O Brien’s head!’
Arsenal boss Wenger is still adamant his side are not too young for silverware. ‘It’s funny, I was just this morning talking to Alexandre Song about how he saw Hana Montana as an inspiration to Champions league glory and I thought to myself, this guys really moved on from Spongebob Squarepants. I mean, I’m aware Eduardo still Sky pluses the Tweenies but we’ve all got a little kid in us somewhere…wait that sounded wrong.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Ryan Giggs doesn’t get what the big deal about being 36 is. Old folk homes are not full of 36 year olds!
Phil Brown didn’t really find it funny, but he must let the world believe he did find it funny until he can find a way to control the raging spirit within him.
ASTON VILLA V TOTTENHAM
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – I’m not just sitting on the fence here, I’m well and truly making my bed on it and have supplies for the long haul. In fact, I am the fence. Both teams are in form, both teams have great managers and both teams look set to take on the top four this year. Using that formula I’d say both teams are likely to do almost identical things on Saturday, it’ll be the equivalent of a footballing mirror.
BLACKBURN V STOKE
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – A 3-0 drubbing at Fulham should have helped big Sam’s heart along the road to recovery this week, so perhaps losing to Stoke at home wouldn’t be the best idea right now. Stoke fans were getting restless last weekend…That’s ridiculous. That’s like Rotherham fans being miffed that they only secured Europa League qualification! Don’t forget, it was only a couple of years ago that an away trip to Crewe Alexandra was scheduled as a ‘tough six pointer’. Enjoy it while it lasts.
FULHAM V BOLTON
SCORE 2-0
MOST LIKLEY – So Roy Hodgson has signed a new contract with Fulham that will keep him with the club well into his 150’s. Meanwhile Gary Megson is being called a c*** by just about everyone in his squad. I imagine the Bolton team bus to be a bit of a nightmare zone at the best of times but a four hour trip to London where everyone hates everyone else in a foreign language must not be too pleasant.
MAN CITY V HULL
SCORE 4-1
MOST LIKELY – What’s going on here, now Hull are in form? Having already lost my bet on Phil Brown being the first Premier League manager to go (thanks a lot you clingy b*****) I simply don’t give two monkeys what Hull City do anymore, they could win the league for all I care. Of course, they won’t because fundamentally they’re still s***.
PORTSMOUTH V MAN UTD
SCORE 0-2
MOST LIKELY – Who ever thought that the big Champions league rematch between Avram Grant and Sir Alex Ferguson would be staged at Fratton park? Does Avram Grant even have a work permit yet? Not that it matters I guess, half of Portsmouth’s first team arrived in England on the back of a lorry. At least Portsmouth fans can look forward to more exciting press conferences now Paul Hart’s gone. Oh wait, no, they’ve hired the one man who can make Paul Hart look like life and soul of the party.
WEST HAM V BURNLEY
SCORE 3-1
MOST LIKELY – West Ham are quite bizarre this season. They give off the feel of a team that should be doing well but seem to be struggling to pick up points. Burnley on the other hand, are just struggling to pick up points, especially away. This should be no different…Is it weird that I still get huge urges to hug Gianfranco Zola?
WIGAN V SUNDERLAND
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – Steve Bruce returns to his former club (now there’s a sentence you can get away with most weeks) on the back of Wigan’s rather productive trip down to London last weekend. Sunderland are riding high after beating Arsenal, with Darren Bent still doing that scoring thing that no one thought he could do. But Wigan will be keen to prove a point, and they probably will. Because that’s football, so unpredictable blah blah blah insert cliche here.
ARSENAL V CHELSEA
SCORE 1-0
MOST LIKELY – This is like a match up between an absolutely stunning blonde supermodel and a slightly past it cougar who gives tremendous third base – The blonde is attractive but the cougar gets results. That said, I can see Arsenal pulling off a big win here.
EVERTON V LIVERPOOL
SCORE 0-0
MOST LIKELY – Both of these teams need a win badly. So the likelihood is they’ll both try too hard and get nothing. Still, with the prospect of ground sharing on the horizon they might as well just merge and become one big happy family anyway. I doubt anyone would mind, would they?
WOLVES V BIRMINGHAM
SCORE 3-2
MOST LIKELY – There seems to be a s*** midlands derby week in week out. Someone really needs to put a cap on teams from Birmingham being in the Premier League. With West Brom set for their yearly shift next season as well it’s going to be like a local Sunday league soon. Perhaps they could all merge as well, save time, effort and space. See, solving all kinds of problems today, I bet fans will be delighted at the prospect when I tell them. I’ll be some kind of hero!
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Well, it’s been a while since I last did this…How does it work again? Oh yes, I remember – I fill a couple of hours of my working week spouting endless streams of nonsensical, incendiary and in most cases, potentially libellous guff about the team I love, all in the name of supposed ‘sports journalism’!…And I must say, it feels good to be back. Apologies for last week’s absence: – Once again the shadowy, ghoulish spectre that is International football descended upon our nation, forcing all other football news not some how related to Peter Crouch/Darren Bents arguable ‘value’ to their country into the void. Gone are the days of the England team being graced with the talent of a Newcastle player – Kieron Dyer can barely make it to the kettle without breaking a bone; Michael Owen is off playing for some two bit team in Manchester and as for David Batty (the original template for Claude Makelele)…well, the less that is said about Mr. Batty, the better! Needless to say, I think James Milner realised that he had as much chance of getting into the England Senior team at Newcastle as Thierry Henry has of switching on Dublin’s Christmas Lights. Now, if you want to see a REALLY great handball, check out Steven Taylor’s effort a couple of seasons ago…Give the boy an Oscar!
Before I move onto discussing Newcastle’s spectacular 1-0 victory over Preston (I know it’s what you’re all waiting for), I just thought I’d give a quick summary of the main stories that the Championship has churned up over the last few weeks. Obviously, early season managerial departures have been widely documented (did anyone see Alan ‘Southgate’ Partridge during ITV’s coverage of Manchester United vs. Beskitas? Even Andy Townsend appeared ‘tactically informed’ in comparison!). Leicester City continue their fantastic run of form (I said they’d do well!), occupying third place in the table. Nicky Shorey has finally put an end to his fledgling England career by taking a one-way loan-train to ‘Championship-Ville’ via Nottingham (what’s wrong with Newcastle? It’s lovely at this time of year!). Similarly, Roy Keane burnt all bridges with his native homeland by suggesting that the Irish are a “bunch of f****** cry babies” and that he would happily let Thierry Henry walk his dogs, on the sole proviso that he “asked nicely”.
So, drum roll please……Newcastle One……Preston North End Nil. What a game! It had everything – minimal clear-cut chances, wasteful possession and finishing by both sides, one booking (Alan Smith, of course) and a single goal that everyone had to wait 74 minutes for. Wow! Well, as I’ve said before (and I’ll say again, right now) a wins a win and I will happily take that every time. I should be a Chelsea fan you know. Obviously one good thing to come out of Monday’s game was another solid performance from Kevin Nolan, scoring his ninth goal of the season with a fantastic turn and shot in the box. Hopefully, Gary Megson and the spate of other c*** managers in charge of poor to average Premiership teams will keep their filthy collective mitts off Nolan come January. Who knows, a couple of them might even be relegated by then!
Back to normal then this Saturday – Newcastle vs. Swansea as 1st meet 4th in an unlikely top of the table clash (who ever saw Newcastle doing well? Swansea on the other hand – duh!). Joking aside, Swansea are a team performing at a very high level, a key result being their fantastic 3-2 win over rivals Cardiff back in early November. Their young manager, Paulo Sousa, should perhaps done the Swansea kit and take to the field in order to best the Magpies – at 39, he is 25 years younger than Geremi and would probably have as much of an effect on the pitch as he would at an after party with the team’s WAGs and a bottle of Olive Oil (…what a thought). Here’s hoping Sousa keeps his devilish good looks well away from our young impressionable team – All I’m saying is, when Nicky Butt falls in love, he falls hard!!!
Paulo only has eyes for one woman…and one grizzled, old former-Manchester United midfielder. Let’s call him Nicky B…no wait, that’s too obvious – Let’s call him Mr. Butt
Until next week Toon Army veterans/future conscripts!
A proposal to package up Everton Football club in a tacky and ugly manner before selling it on the cheap below bigger, more established brands with a slightly nicer taste has been rejected Kirby council have revealed. Local residents are said to be ‘over the moon’ that 7,000 jobs now won’t be created saying ‘this benefit thing’s alright really. And I wouldn’t be seen dead holding a Tesco’s bag.’
A spokesmen for the supermarket chain said the decision left a bitter taste in his mouth described as ’similar to a Tesco Value beer that had been shaken one too many times in the store room.’ He continued ‘people have said it would ruin the town…Have you ever been to Kirby? It’s not like we would have broken the traditional values of the club. All we wanted was for the team to wear blue and white stripes and for every goal Louis Saha scored to be accompanied by the tannoy announcement ‘Every little helps’.
Everton manager David Moyes reacted angrily to the planning rejection saying ‘well this is just great. Now I have to keep on signing s*** like Sylvain Distin plus I don’t get my in store 25% discount. They’ve said the clubcard points I’ve got at the moment wouldn’t even buy me Titus Bramble! F*** it, I’m going to Aldi.’
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez claimed his side still had lots to play for after last nights Champions league exit insisting that ‘the pride of finishing above Stoke City is priority’. The Spaniard has been quick to quash discontent in the Anfield camp by booking several last minute city breaks through Irish airline Ryanair and convincing the players they are still in an imaginary competition he’s titled the ‘Europa league’.
Benitez said ‘we’ve arranged some trips to Malaga and Amsterdam, and the intention is to get the team so drugged up on hallucinogenic mushrooms that they’ll actually believe they’re still playing for a trophy. We’ll get them to pose for photographs in front of some well known landmarks and once they come round they’ll be sure we’re still a big, worthwhile team making big, worthwhile trips. What do you reckon?’
The former Champions league winner also denied he has made a desperate plea to the football league to allow Liverpool last minute entry into the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy adding ‘we could possibly take Accrington but I wouldn’t fancy Carlisle over a two legged semi.’
Football’s governing body FIFA has called an extraordinary general meeting in an urgent attempt to make themselves look busy and important the DA can reveal. FIFA president Sepp Blatter has stated that high on the agenda will be this year’s secret Santa budget and overall feedback from viewers relating to the new George Clooney movie ‘Men Who Stare at Goats’.
Blatter said ‘With the recession and all I’m quite in favour of limiting the present spend to roughly a fiver. Last year someone went a bit overboard when they bought me thousands of pounds worth of goal line technology which I thought was far too much for little old me. So I took it back in return for store credit and spent the refund on hundreds more s*** referees from the outer regions of Scandinavia.’
FIFA have confirmed subjects to be completely and utterly crept around will include Thierry Henry’s glaring handball, Algeria and Eygpt existing as nations and Michel Platini’s birthday party receipt, which included an order for 9 gallons of whipped cream and a substantial payment to the company behind the popular ‘Thai lady boys’ extravaganza.
Wigan Atheltic chairman Dave Whelan has written to the Premier league demanding Sunday’s 9-1 defeat at Tottenham is replayed after Wigan players raised concerns that Tottenham were using ’superior skill’ to their advantage. Whelan challenged board members ‘to make things right’ and ‘finally put an end to Titus Bramble defending, using waste to landfill technology.’
Wigan boss Roberto Martinez fumed ‘a billion people can see that Defoe has out muscled, out witted and out played Titus Bramble, yet the one man who takes the decision to put down strays has not. How long does this have to go on for before people realize that Titus Bramble is not even a conference south defender? All we’re asking for is justice.’
Spurs striker Defoe held his hands up after the match admitting ‘yes, I’ll confess I did use my superior ability to gain an advantage but it’s just instinct. I feel terrible now. It felt like I was holding a bone just above a wounded puppies reach. But on the plus side, at least I’m Premier league top scorer now. Get in!’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Thierry Henry honestly didn’t think anyone would notice!
Michel Platini hahahahahahahaha
Rafa Benitez is still eyeing forth spot but is starting to squint a bit.
David Beckham can not wait to win a soccccccerball, go team. Alright!!!
Emile Heskey got the ball stuck in that net thing again. Bloody thing is always in the way!
BIRMINGHAM V FULHAM
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – Someone this week, in a bid to bring the World cup to England’s second city, described Birmingham as the ‘cultural hub of the country’… I thought it was just where you stopped to fill up with fuel before joining the M6 and maybe grab a quick Burger King time permitting? Not that that has anything to do with the result on Saturday…Unless Fulham aren’t aware it’s a real place either.
BURNLEY V ASTON VILLA
SCORE 1-2
MOST LIKELY – Ah Burnley, the true hub of British culture. Funny, how they don’t seem to have mounted a World cup bid as yet. Perhaps it’s because their stadium is built on a structure based around match sticks and thumbnails. They were extremely fortunate against Hull last time out at Turf Moor and the luck will probably come to an abrupt end against the might of Emile Heskey. If only he were playing against Brazil, England might of lost 1-0.
CHELSEA V WOLVES
SCORE 2-0
MOST LIKELY – A lot of the Chelsea stars were heavily involved in Wednesday’s cheating of the Irish which could have a hand to play here (you get it!!!! Topical humour at its finest right there). But in all honestly, only two players were involved, and one was Flourent Malouda (who’s s*** whether he’s tired or not). I just wanted to give it a mention somewhere and unfortunately France aren’t at home to Wolves this weekend so this was the best chance.. Cheating b*****!
HULL V WEST HAM
SCORE 0-1
MOST LIKELY – I’m going to break from the norm this week and predict that Phil Brown won’t get sacked this week (it’s beginning to make me look very stupid backing the alternative). Of course, this will 100% guarantee that Phil Brown will get sacked this week. So to look like I know what I’m talking about I’m going to sit on the fence a bit more…Phil Brown will leave Hull City before he dies. How do you like them apples Alan Hansen?
LIVERPOOL V MAN CITY
SCORE 0-2
MOST LIKELY – Rumour has it Man City have snapped up a young Brazilian beach ball in a £60million deal for this one… Yeah that’s right, still stuck on beach ball jokes for Liverpool. It’s either that or Rafa Benitez rotation gags, and the Spanaird selecting Lucas Leiva over anyone just isn’t really very funny. Unless you support Everton of course. This could be a big win for Man City though.
MAN UTD V EVERTON
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – So Sir Alex Ferguson is banned from the touchline but not when actual games are being played?…Way to show some big balls there FA, congratulations. He’s also been fined £20,000 but he doesn’t have to pay it unless he really wants to. In fact, in punishment of insulting referee Alan Wiley the FA have ruled that Sir Alex can only slap every registered official twice, absolutely no more. That should teach him.
SUNDERLAND V ARSENAL
SCORE 1-0
MOST LIKELY – Damn, this is where I should have got the French reference in. Cheating b*****!! Arsenal have proved they’ve got much more grit and determination about them this year but that’s still no proof whatsoever that any of them want to go to Sunderland. And apparently Kieran Gibbs got injured during the international break and Arsene Wenger’s really annoyed about it. Understandable really, now he’ll have to find someone else to sit on the bench and not play..
BOLTON V BLACKBURN
SCORE 0-3
MOST LIKELY – This is a bit like a mud wrestling contest between Ann Widdecombe and John Prescott. No one really wants to see it and for the good of the nation they should just settle it with a good old fashioned rock paper scissors instead. Even that is a little bit of waste of everyone’s time. One thing is certain though, if you offered me the choice of tickets to Bolton v Blackburn or widdecombe v Prescott… I’d call you the cruelest b**** in the world. I would also suggest a little site called ticketmaster and a little thing called a life.
STOKE V PORTSMOUTH
SCORE 2-2
MOST LIKELY – That’s more like it, back to the glamour ties. Dave Kitson left Stoke this week. They’ll surely miss his two goals a century. No one left Portsmouth this week. But they never had anyone who could deliver that kind of return. Apparently Kanu’s still alive somewhere though.
TOTTENHAM V WIGAN
SCORE 3-1
MOST LIKELY – This will be a great game with plenty of entertainment, as all games involving Titus Bramble trying to defend are. Spurs should be strong enough though, even if Robbie Keane did run the equivalent of 42 miles against France. Rumour has it he’s running back from Paris to London right now to close down William Gallas before he gets through customs unmarked.