The DA

Greetings mentalists! I have returned from a long overdue holiday with Mrs Magicsponge, getting some therapy of my own if you catch my double entendre drift. But now I’m back and ready to don the white jacket and prescribe illegal painkillers once again, and let me tell you, the pile of letters stacked outside my door made a mockery out of patient doctor confidentiality. With that in mind, for those who haven’t already snuck a peak, here’s this weeks dilemma:

Hi Doctor,

I’m writing with a rather embarrassing secret. I’m a big lad, boxer physique, fairly threatening in general yet my terrible confession is I haven’t figured out how to use my right leg. I’m fine standing up providing no one comes near me, but the slightest touch and I go down like a log falling in the rain forest. It’s really embarrassing. Even my own fans find it pathetic and although I always manage to get up I find the very sight of people like Jamie Carragher (granted he is an ugly f*****) enough to send me over the edge and back down to the floor.

My concern is, I may never be able to learn how to walk. I’m now into my thirties showing no signs of progress and to be honest, I want to boo myself every time I collapse over like I’ve just been shot in the leg. Do you know of any treatments that may help my cause? Or should I just hang around in the penalty box a bit more and exploit the strange gift I’ve been given?

Regards

Didier

Didier, what a name, really slips off the tongue doesn’t it? Didier, Didier, Didier… I like that, sounds sexual.

Anyway, to your leg issue. It does seem strange that your able to use the left leg and not the right. Are you a little strange Didier? Although I’m sure there are ways of teaching balance (just look at the progress of Titus Bramble and Emile Heskey – they can almost make 10 yards these days) I would suggest an interesting alternative.

Although the penalty area idea would be a good one, I’d imagine you’d have to sign for Manchester United before you really began to see positive results from your plan, and let’s face it, no one wants to go to Manchester United. Instead I suggest the classic ‘lean on me’ tactic which involves you selecting a defender to man mark and using his balance as your second leg.

Take Jamie Carragher for example. This would kill two birds with one stone as you won’t ever have to look at him (although his breath may be a little close for comfort). Wherever he goes, you follow him and just keep leaning. It’ll be like those lovable three legged races you used to see in school sports days… and everyone likes lovable. I hear Carragher’s got a good habit for firing into his own net too, so you may end up scoring a brace more often than you otherwise would of done.

Enjoy your new lease of life Didier! Oooh Didier…so sensual. Have you ever been in a low budget pornography film?

The Dr

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