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In a dramatic u-turn, former England defender Sol Campbell yesterday tore up his contract at Notts County after realising no amount of money made playing at Morecambe anymore bearable. Morecambe manager Sammy Mcllroy, who was taking time out of climbing a large building strapped to an anchor said ‘I can’t blame the lad, there’s s*** and then there’s Morecambe.’
Campbell, who has also lost his entourage of horny milk maids, retired FBI agents and seven wonderfully mood differing dwarfs said he had very quickly discovered that money ‘can’t hide the foul odour of failure’ and admitted that even Hull City would have been a better option in hindsight’ before laughing and adding ‘that’s how s*** it was!’
‘People used to ask me, would you pleasure Andrew Lloyd Webber for one million quid and I’d always be down on my knees before they could finish. Having endured playing alongside Lee Hughes and taking in the sights of Morecambe my answer would now be very simple. Three million or f*** off.’
The DA’s global reporter Rich Wilcock, searches the world for football gossip and food scraps.
The Argentinean F.A are probably debating whether or not they would have been better off appointing a large bowl of Special K to the role of national manager after Maradona sparked more controversy without even doing anything. Some bored Computer hackers who called themselves KKR (no, I have no idea either) thought it would be a great idea to hack into the Argentinean F.A’s website and put an image of Diego Maradona in a Brazilian shirt under the slogan, “An image worth a thousand words” on the home page. One thing is certain, a large bowl of special K wearing a Brazil shirt probably wouldn’t have caused as much outrage, so maybe give that some consideration next time your taking applicants Argentina (which I should imagine will be very soon).
Over in Thailand, North East heart throb Peter Reid resigned from the role of National Team Coach. Whilst heading to the Airport, he was overheard screaming “get me out of this f***** s***hole now! What kind of place has hookers with giant d**** for crying out loud!’ With that said, there was huge public surprise when Reid turned up at Stoke City. Another man who obviously doesn’t learn.
Bryan Robson has been linked as Reid’s replacement for the Thailand job. He said “I’m used to girls with d****, I used to manage Mikkel Beck at Middlesborough.”
Staying in Asia, Chinese League Champions, Shandong Luneng have axed star Aleksander Litkovic after a rather strange incident. He was handed an eight game ban for hocking up a small child and spitting it in an Officials face during a game against Qingdao. Apparently receiving a yellow card is not top of Litkovic’s favourite activities, just thank the lord it wasn’t a red, otherwise the ref may have drowned.
And finally, China is bizarre story galore this week as another team Shenzen were docked three points for a clash of shirts. As Hosts they were obliged to provide a second option of kit colour but..urr… didn’t. It meant that Shenzhen had to rummage through the city looking for matching coloured shirts. An hour after scheduled kick off time they rocked back up to the stadium donning some blue ones (the club shop was probably already taking pre-orders before half time).
What I want to know though is, why didn’t they just borrow some of the crowd’s replica shirts? An XXL with pie stains is surely better than nothing at all? The club and the Chinese F.A refused to comment, but the Kit-man is believed to have said afterwards… “I’ll get me coat, oh b**** me I’ve left it at home again!”
Stay Global
Manchester City football club have announced that no further action will be taken against Craig Bellamy after the striker was seen punching a fan on live television. The club claim it is part of their ongoing policy to ‘roll over and let the players do whatever the hell they like, so long as they score a couple of goals every now and again and try not to get arrested too often.’
Manager Mark Hughes said ‘these players have more money than Cuba, you can’t expect me to keep them under control. For example, Kolo Toure insists he must drive to training on the right hand side of the road every morning, which causes mayhem on the M6, and Robinho keeps elephants in a two bedroomed Salford apartment. But what am I supposed to do about it?’
The Welshman continued ‘Craig Bellamy punches someone everyday, if not a member of the public then usually the smallest member of the youth team. Just because this incident has been caught on camera it doesn’t make it any different in my eyes. Adebayor usually keeps him in a small cage next to his alligators anyway, so as I’ve far as I’m concerned, that’s enough discipline for one man.’
After all the anticipation of the local derby in Manchester it’s United fans who have the bragging rights yet again (although they did let Craig Bellamy score twice which is enough for any opposing fan to work with.)
But restricting the rivalry to just one sport seems a little blinkered when trying to separate these two sides. Introducing Match of the DA, the real judge of head to heads, pitting sides in unfamiliar territory and seeing who comes out on top. This week:
MAN UTD V MAN CITY
CHALLENGE – CROSS COUNTRY SKIING
MATCH REPORT
This is incredibly tough to call. Whilst the harsh conditions of an icy cold playing field would see the likes of Robinho and Adebayor look more out of place than a Jamaican bobsleigh team (granted John Candy looks more like Steve Bruce than Mark Hughes) Alex Ferguson’s deer like red nose would surely see him shot by poachers within seconds.
Ryan Giggs‘ trickery would not serve him well with a strapping pair of skis stuck to his feet and one slide tackle from Darren Fletcher would see the Scotland International frozen in a giant, yellow card destined snowball sure to collide with the entire City midfield and send them to their deaths (sparking more activity in the January transfer window).
Berbatov would not like the effort involved in moving two gigantic skis and would probably sub himself off whilst Craig Bellamy would be busy starting a fight on a snow man who supposedly looked at him the wrong way. Of course, city would probably get to the line first but the time added on for stumbles and ski changes would most likely result in United celebrating in the ski lodge alongside a dejected Roque Santa Cruz – forced to sit out due to an allergic reaction to snow and extremely sick and tired of Santa-snow related puns.
WINNERS – MANCHESTER UNITED
The FA hailed their new ‘Golden Manchester United goal’ policy this morning after Michael Owen scored four hours into injury time allowing everyone to get back to work on Monday and spare the Old Trafford club an embarrassing home draw.
Man City manager Mark Hughes thought the new system was flawed and ‘extremely f***** annoying’ but United boss Sir Alex Ferguson insisted the laws were beneficial for everyone associated with his club. ‘No one wants to see a draw, and while everyone would probably rather see us lose that just doesn’t sit well with me I’m afraid, and let’s face it, you don’t have Sir in front of your name do you?’
‘This new golden goal things works terrifically well. It saves me having to give a constant ear full to the forth official because I know the game won’t finish until we score. It’s incredibly refreshing.’ Fans have been advised to take at least a week of holiday leave for the Man Utd Chelsea clash with officials saying ‘bring a bed pan, and plenty of tinned food.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Mark Hughes has been praticising on Pro Evo all night and thinks he’s ready to roll back the years upfront today.
Fernando Torres enjoys rubbing it in people’s faces just how much better he is than everybody else.
Sol Campbell just played at Morecambe…and lost. Gun anyone?
Sir Alex Ferguson is planning on letting down so many tyres today
The DA is pleased to once again welcome back our very own faith healer, able to read the future using super human powers that none of you pathetic mortals posses. He prefers to remain anonymous, so as not to upset the spirits. With that in mind you should know, it’s definitely not Glenn Hoddle. His identity has been protected in this article using clever mind tricks that you wouldn’t understand.
A hearty ‘hello’ to all you people in inter-web land. Hlenn Goddle has returned to right the world’s wrongs, heal the sick and tease the poor. Now, most of you are probably already anticipating an Adebayor-related entry. Well, I’ve got one thing to say to you dear reader: Don’t be such a know-it-all c***. I’m Hlenn Goddle, an innovator/pioneer. Why would I waste my time with a story that has been perpetually analysed and scrutinized from Stubbs to pubs?
Besides, Adebayor’s attitude towards his former fans was so predictable even you, Joe/Josephine Blogg could have guessed what he was going to do when he scored against Arsenal. I mean honestly, sliding on your knees? Is that the best the Tongan could do? In my more raucous playing days I would score, sprint over to the opposition fans and personally tea-bag 20-30 rival supporters before returning to the pitch. If you want to see gamesmanship, I’ll give you f****** gamesmanship!
Instead of discussing lanky old Ade, this week I will focus on Chelsea Chief Executive/Hired Muscle Peter Kenyon’s sudden resignation from his role(s) at the club. Who could have possibly predicted that eh? Kenyon had helped Chelsea sign some of their most important players including Ashley Cole and Ross Turnbull. No, I’m only joking my dear readers…Ashley Cole is a crock of s***.
That deal aside, Chelsea and Kenyon had formed an incredibly effective double act (the footballing equivalent of the Chuckle Brothers). Kenyon himself claims he left Chelsea to embark on one more big challenge before retirement. However, on Monday night the spirits saw fit to contact me, using subliminal messages to inform me of Kenyon’s imminent resignation and also the true reason behind his departure. ‘How?’ you may ask. ‘I’m about to tell you’, I reply ‘impatience is a sin!’.
So, on Monday night I was watching the 70s Vietnam classic Apocalypse Now just before bed. (Unfortunately my chimp PA Chris isn’t allowed to watch 18s as his primitive simian mind is too under-developed to comprehend right from wrong. The same applies when Gary Mabbutt comes to visit.) As I was reached the film’s harrowing finale, my good lady wife came into the living room and offered to make me coffee. She left the room and a moment later she announced, ‘The Kenyan’s gone’.
I didn’t reply, as I was watching the bit with Dennis Hopper on. She re-entered the room just as Marlon Brando’s fantastic evil baby Colonel Kurtz is about to be brutally murdered by Martin Sheen. My wife re-entered the living room seemingly frustrated, again repeating the eternal line ‘Kenyan’s gone’. The sentence just seemed odd to me at that moment in time, filling me with an uneasy feeling of the uncanny or unheimlich (that’s German, for the unlearned/poor). Suddenly, my wife turned to the screen and in reference to the soon to be filleted Kurtz, suggested ‘He’s for the chop.’ Just like magic (except quicker) the two sentences merged and I was left with ‘Kenyan’s gone…he’s for the chop’. The final nail in the coffin came as I realised Brando’s Colonel Kurtz and Mr Kenyon appear to have been separated at birth. The likeness is stunning beloved readers, I think you’ll agree!
So I knew at that very moment that Kenyon would not resign, but would be ‘axed’ so to speak. It my take a week to come out, but rest assured Goddle never f****-up. Anyway, what good is having a Chief Executive skilled in the art of player acquisition when you can’t sign until 2011? I will tell you, it’s about as useful as having an arsehole on your elbow. Coincidentally, I am actually one of the few owners of such a biological miracle and I can tell you, toilet time ain’t pretty. ‘The Horror, The Horror….’
Until next time,
Spirit Love
ARSENAL V WIGAN
SCORE 2-0
MOST LIKELY – Robin Van Persie should have found his face by now and Arsenal should be able to scrape through this one even after a tough Champions League game midweek (although the standard of opposition was more like Liege 1). If Wigan get anything, I put it down to match fixing.
ASTON VILLA v PORTSMOUTH
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – I really don’t know why I just put that. Portsmouth are c*** and Villa are on fire at the minute, there’s surely no chance of a draw. Still I couldn’t possibly go back and change it now, it’s far to far away so one all it is. Let’s just hope Portsmouth park the bus and car park in front of the goal. David James will still find a way to let it slip past the stanchions though.
BOLTON V STOKE
SCORE 0-1
MOST LIKELY – Bold prediction here, Gary Megson to not be Bolton manager come the start of next week. I’m sure he’ll be the first to go this year, it’s just a question of time, but I really hope it’s sooner rather than later because one more post match interview where he blames injuries to players that would make absolutely no s***** difference anyway will drive me over the edge.
BURNLEY V SUNDERLAND
SCORE 1-2
MOST LIKELY – All these teams getting turned over at Turf Moor suggests there’s something in the water but let’s bare in mind what kind of s*** you’d find coming out of your average Sunderland tap. Immunity is a fine thing, as is Darren Bent’s new policy of aiming for the corner flag. He’s finally worked out how to use his terrible aim to his advantage and watch the ball scuff into the bottom corner.
HULL V BIRMINGHAM
SCORE 0-2
MOST LIKELY – Some would call this a surprise, others would call it a Hull home fixture. Either way, I seem completely unable to back Hull, no matter what the circumstances. And Birmingham seem to be improving, not noticeably or effectively… wait what was the point again?
WEST HAM V LIVERPOOL
SCORE 1-3
MOST LIKELY – There’s something about that Franco guy that suggests a debut goal is on the cards before he disappears into obscurity and discovers what knee ligament damage is like all great West Ham strikers eventually do. But there’s also something about Fernando Torres, and it’s quite good.
CHELSEA V TOTTENHAM
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – This is like a rich mans ‘Millwall West Ham’, there will be fights, but probably with fencing swords and gold plated gum shields. Ultimately there will be no winner, just a lot of smashed Jaguars and expensive insurance claims.
EVERTON V BLACKBURN
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – I used to quite like Everton, it’s amazing what signing Lucas Neil can do to sway opinion, I suddenly have a new found desire for El Hadj Diouf to knock in a brace. Alas, talent unlike opinion never changes so I’ll probably be bitterly disappointed.
MAN UTD V MAN CITY
SCORE – 2-0
MOST LIKELY – Write off the rest of the fixture list, this is the one that will fill the weekend with intrigue and controversy. Despite Noel Gallagher having to start up front for City, they should still give Utd a real run for their money (they could well be waving fifties as incentives). But United will show who still owns the yard, not by urinating…but than again never rule it out.
WOLVES V FULHAM
SCORE – 1-0
MOST LIKELY – You’ve read the Utd City prediction now, this hardly seems worth it, yeah…something about Kevin Doyle…. Bobby Zamora couldn’t hit a barn door… you get the idea.
Manchester City’s Ultimate fighting champion Ade Adebayor has claimed there is only so much a man can take before he’s forced to kick another man square in the face. The striker was defending his actions in last weekend’s Royal Rumble and believes he had no choice but to swing at anything that moved after continued abuse.
The former Arsenal hit man said ‘don’t make me angry… you won’t like me when I’m angry’ before turning a strange shade of green and ripping his shirt aggressively.
Rumours are rife that a recent miss placed pass from Craig Bellamy in training resulted in Adebayor purchasing an enormous hammer and smashing up the dressing room in protest. Onlookers refused to confirm the speculation but Bellamy did admit he knew Adebayor ‘had been accidentally exposed to the blast of a test detonation of a gamma bomb and must convince the world he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.’
Adebayor added ‘If you get a kick to the face ask yourself “did i put the bins out?” or “did I leave my unwashed plate on the side?” because the likelihood is you did, and that is why you have a stud wedged under your left eye.’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Up until Wednesday night, the Championship had become a bit boring really. While the Premiership struggled with more scandals than Katie Price and the Labour government combined, the Championship continued to chug along at its own, inoffensive pace. Newcastle United, for better or worse, had clearly adapted well to the league. A one-nil victory here, a solid performance there, with nearly no mention of takeovers or the possibility of a spectacular ‘Second Coming’ courtesy of the ‘Pariah’, Glenn Roeder (there’s definitely a hint of vampirism in those dead, bird-like eyes).
Thanks to a nationwide ‘attractive-virgin’ shortage, the Dark Lord Roeder is forced to look elsewhere for new victims.
To hit the nail on the head, at the beginning of the week I was well and truly bored of winning. Last Sunday’s game at Cardiff in particular was perhaps the prime example of what Chris Hughton had described as Newcastle’s Championship tactic of playing with your ‘back’s against the wall’. Whether Hughton was making an underhanded slur against goalkeeper Steve Harper’s intellect/flat granite-like face is yet to be established.
Another uncertainty is where the hell Newcastle’s newfound defensive stability had come from. Could it have been that big-money flops such as Coloccini (who grabbed Sunday’s winner) and Jose Enrique had finally adjusted to the pace of the English game? Had the back four found a new sense of unity, possibly through some form of Hughton-organised team building exercise (Zorbing perhaps? Spending half a day in a constantly rotating giant plastic sphere would certainly explain Coloccini’s general appearance).
Both explanations were plausible; however, it could also have been due to fact that the opposition the Newcastle defence currently face have evolved (or more accurately, devolved) from last year’s Premiership offering. Last season, Coloccini and Steve Taylor struggled (and more often than not failed) to contain world class strikers; Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba, Christiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney to name but a few. This year, the two centre backs are set to be confronted with the terrifying prospect of facing players like Lee Trundle, Dele Adebola and of course, Francis ‘The Hitman’ Jeffers. Hold your nerve lads!
After six wins in seven games, Newcastle United had held onto their two-point lead at the top of the table. However, aside from the 3-0 destruction of Reading, none of the Toon Army’s performances had really set the world alight. Instead, we seemed content with merely grinding out results while the increasingly Neanderthal-like Alan Smith ground the opposition to dust. However, winning ugly just simply isn’t rewarding. Just ask Jose Mourinho. I’m reliably informed that the ‘Special One’ regularly interrupted his Chelsea training sessions with games of hide and seek in order to inject some much needed satisfaction into his otherwise wretched existence. His favourite hiding place is reported to be either the kit laundry bin or more often than not, the closet.
Then, on that ‘black’ Wednesday evening, Newcastle clashed with the Donkey Jockeys of Blackpool Town. As I write this blog, the result is still a very fresh wound so the less said the better. Needless to say, I suppose I can only blame myself and my early rants about winning ugly. However, it’s far more entertaining to hurl abuse at the bumpkin-lord Ian Holloway. I mean how!? Why?! Holloway has to be one of the most talentless ‘professionals’ working in the game today, yet his Blackpool side somehow managed to best a relatively strong Newcastle team. And the winner was scored by Jason Euell! Jason Euell the jammy b******! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (*head explodes*)
“I can’t hear you lads…..I’m a plucky runt, did you say!?”
Speaking of ‘Jammers’, I’ve just enough time to preview Saturday’s game at Plymouth. Cue the inevitable, rage-inducing cackles of ‘Green Army’ lifted from the spectacularly unfunny Aviva/Paul Whitehouse collaborative ad. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Paul, you were once one of Britain’s best comics, an insightful and immeasurably watchable character actor who’s greatest gift to the world came in the guise of Ron ‘’It’s a far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Isn’t it? Mmmmm. Marvellous” Manager. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve thrown it all away for a few thousand pounds and a week’s free car insurance. For shame! Not even Emmanuel Adebayor is as much of a sell out as you. At least he’s still fighting ‘The Man’.
Coincidentally, Dutch Striker Robin Van Persie has unwittingly found his face acting as a symbolic representation of order and ‘the establishment’, which Adebayor unselfishly took upon himself to stamp seven shades of s*** out of. (Sorry Rob, Power to the People!) Not to worry Mr. Whitehouse, at least your not as much of a c*** as Ben Elton. Oh yeah, the match. My prediction: I’m really going to push the boat out here and say a hard-fought, ‘backs against the wall’ 1-0 victory to Newcastle. Where’s you’re car insurance and away kit now Whitehouse?
Ron’s views on Alan ‘with aplomb’ Shearer and Gary ‘Climax’ Lineker