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Last year’s SPL champions Glasgow Rangers have applied for a pub license in order to next season play in the English Southern sector, Bucks league division 9. Speaking after Rangers were literally footballingly violated by Sevilla last night, manager Walter Smith said ‘it’s time this club fulfils it’s potential and leaves Scotland behind for South Buckinghamshire glory.’
‘Beating Aberdeen has become like beating road kill and the fact that there are 24 old firm derbies in a season has made the clash a tad stale. They haven’t even finished redecorating the torn up pubs by the time the next one comes around.’
If Rangers application is successful they will join the likes of Marlow Globetrotters FC and AFC Spandex Reserves as well as gaining a direct route into the Berks and Bucks challenge cup. A spokesmen for the Scottish giants said ‘Our ultimate aim is to be as good as Darlington, but we all have pipe dreams don’t we?’
Chris Sutton last night returned to football sending an entire press conference into a boredom induced coma, leaving the former s*** striker to confess ‘he should probably be in accounting.’
Outlining his plans for the club Sutton said ‘well…let me see… I would quite like to change the entire culture of the club…perhaps make some shrewd decisions here and there…dot some i’s….cross some J’s….(yaaaawn)…it’s all about monetizing…
This was as far as any journalist got although local reporter Mike Simpson from the Lincoln Echo did leave his tape running long enough to hear the shrill cry of vultures circling. Having tried tirelessly to stay conscious long enough to note question two, Simpson said ‘it’s just impossible, we’ve got to get this guy in front of some insomnia sufferers, honestly, we’ve found a f***** cure!’
The scenario: You’re the chairman of Hull City, you’ve just realized how s*** your team is, and you’ve decided it’s time to change things at the top in an effort to save your rich a*** having to sit in a Scunthorpe United executive box next season. So you sack Phil Brown and head out into the market. Would you rather hire…:
JOE KINNEAR
PROS – This man will clearly take any job no matter how desperate the situation appears. He described being appointed as Newcastle manager as a ‘great opportunity’ for crying out loud. Would take very little convincing to take the reigns, thus less time wasted negotiating in Hull and more time to drink cocktails on your private yacht in Barbados.
CONS – Had it not been all that time ago, Joe Kinnear would probably be a prime suspect for the man who sunk the Titanic. Joe’s motto is ‘nothing goes up, must go down’.
DEAN WINDASS
PROS – Would be an instant hit with the fans, the players and the canteen staff.
CONS – Is the proud owner of a solitary brain cell and would probably struggle to count to 11 let alone pick 11.
RONALD McDONALD
PROS – Let’s face it; the fans know they’re down, the players know they’re down, everyone knows Hull City are down, at least Ronald McDonald would provide some much needed entertainment at the KC Stadium (maybe a touch line bust up with Steve Bruce over his unpaid tab?).
CONS – The players diet could be an issue, as could Ronald’s tactical nous…although he’d probably still out wit Dean Windass.
A STRAY PUPPY
PROS – Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
CONS – S*** in the dressing room….Wait. More shit in the dressing room.
Notts County executives have revealed that TV favourites the Chuckle brothers are the men behind the large investment the club is currently enjoying. Barry Chuckle admitted he was extremely proud to be bankrolling County’s push for Premier League football.
‘It’s a dream this is isn’t it Paul?’
‘Oh yes Barry, a dream.’
‘We’re all about passing football aren’t we Paul?’
‘Oh yes Barry, to me to you.’
The pair did admit they have already caused some comically timed disasters, confessing that Sol Campbell left after being struck directly in the face by a badly aimed custard pie. “I tried to explain I didn’t mean it but the guy was p****’. Still, we’re currently close to penning deals for at least 3 of the Teletubbies, providing La La passes his medical, so we should have a strong back four either way.
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Sol Campbell seems destined for Hull after all.. What did I do to you God?
Roy Keane is asking nicely for no one to check the boot of his car… Or wonder about the whereabouts of any Ipswich Town squad members.
Sven Goran Eriksson thinks nothing makes up for a bad week more than a thumping win against Port Vale. Get in boys!
The DA is pleased to once again welcome back our very own faith healer, able to read the future using super human powers that none of you pathetic mortals posses. He prefers to remain anonymous, so as not to upset the spirits. With that in mind you should know, it’s definitely not Glenn Hoddle. His identity has been protected in this article using clever mind tricks that you wouldn’t understand.
Welcome Goddle followers, thanks for stopping by. Please, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything? An organic falafel wrap perhaps, or a cup of piping hot Chai…What’s that…A “Subway”? F*** off! Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m sorry, let’s not argue. You’re here to be enlightened in the spirit world, not the culinary delights of a vegan lifestyle. Now, firstly, I’ve had a number of readers writing in claiming to have spotted me during Sky Sport’s coverage of the Chelsea vs. Tottenham game over the weekend. All I can say is that everyone that wrote in, all three and a half of you (the half was a lady-writer), are in my opinion entering the latter stages of optical disturbance i.e. you’re going blind my dears! I spent my Sunday playing FIFA with my chimp-slave Chris. We were both Pro Evo fans but Chris was so angered by the shoddy PES 2009 that he devoured the disk, defecated the fragments into his hand and hurled them at Lionel Messi during a television interview. Chris has anger-management issues but that’s crack for you!
This week’s Twaddle-Topic focuses upon a certain, nameless individual. A historically ‘Sol’id full-back, who this week has done a lot of ‘Sol’-searching and has transpired to be somewhat of an Ass’Sol’! Ok, I won’t tease you any longer, I’m talking about my old friend Sulzeer Jeremiah ‘Sol’ Campbell, the former Notts County defender. Poor old Sol. He clearly didn’t ‘sign up for this s***’. However, what he did sign up for at Notts County is somewhat ambiguous: a multiple promotion bonus, maybe? The title of ‘Sheriff of Nottingham’ after four games, perhaps (Mr. Campbell is reputedly a huge fan of Alan ‘Arrrrgh’ Rickman)? What about a year’s free entry to Spearmint Rhinos? OK, the last one is a little far-fetched (and ill-fitting, no offence).
Sol reputedly used this very technique to slide out of Notts County’s training grounds.
Never-the-less, there must have been a reason for his swift departure. Some poorly informed media sources (*cough* BBC Sport) have suggested that the Magpie’s new owners may not have had the financial ‘va va voom’ to support their wild claims of “Premiership football within three years”. But Hlenn Goddle and his spirit minions know the ultimate truth behind the controversy and Hlenn Goddle isn’t afraid of a bit of kiss and tell (just ask Chris)!
Essentially, Sol’s Nott’s County career was over before it began, and I will explain why. When Sol was young, his mother Mrs Campbell (I have decided not to reveal her first name due to privacy issues and the fact that Chris has been lacing my Chai with crack: my memory is shot!) had a destructive affair with an infamous comedian (again, who will remain nameless). How does Hlenn Goddle know this, you may ask. Well, yours truly was the middle man within the relationship. I was very young at the time (I had met Mrs Campbell at a school fete) and had only just embarked on my footballing career. I was full of romance and football seemed to bring out the Casanova within me (just ask Micah Richards, the same happened to him). I began to ferry love letters between Mrs Campbell and, as I will refer to him, Eric M. To cut a long story short, their love blossomed.
What? It’s a picture of Eric Morcecambe. So what?
Eric would talk about the hardships in his life, including a prolonged non-sexual relationship with another man (it’s ok, they slept together in the same bed but they both wore pyjamas). Mrs Campbell would talk about her son Sol and how he always dreamed of playing in the top division and then leaving it all for a ridiculous pipe-dream. However, the young Sol never took to his mother’s ‘special friend, instead choosing to idolize posters of a young Terry Butcher.
Nearly 25 years later, Sol debuted for Notts County against Morecambe. Morecambe: that name would forever ring in infamy for young Sulzeer, constantly reminding him of his mother’s former love interest (you won’t get a name out of me readers, Goddle is airtight like a diving bell). So strong were the memories and so heavily affected was Campbell’s performance (Alan Hansen actually referred to Campbell as a poor-man’s Titus Bramble) that Sol decided to move on. Not for money, not for pride, but for personal sanity. Having lost his dignity, I ask: What else is there for Sol to cling to?
So there you have it, dear readers. The truth about the step-father of ‘Sol’ (by the way, I’m not referring to Little Richard). It just goes to show, never trust a comedian, no matter how many Christmas specials he’s done.
Spirit Love
Hlenn
BIRMINGHAM V BOLTON
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – Apparently, believe it or not, Bolton won a game this week. So I’m assuming this game will have to be rearranged due to Bolton’s open top bus celebrations this weekend. Still, whenever it is due to be played, Bolton have had their annual win now so they can get back to what they do best, losing hideously.
BLACKBURN V ASTON VILLA
SCORE 1-1
MOST LIKELY – I couldn’t see Blackburn struggling this year (other than the general struggle the town as a whole must face waking up every morning) but they seem to be determined to hang around the trap door these days. I also couldn’t see Villa doing as well as they are – perhaps I should stop predicting – When you have no idea do what all football pundits do and sit on a massively reassuring fence.
FULHAM V ARSENAL
SCORE 0-2
MOST LIKELY – Fulham aren’t coping with this season very well, I think the affects of not being able to sell Bobby Zamora are starting to kick in (“he should be playing at Hull, instead he’s up front for us… that can’t be a good thing”). This is a short trip for the Gunners so most of the squad should be able to take their mopeds across London. Interesting fact for you here, the entire Arsenal squad put together has less chest hair than Richard Keys. Who said this site wasn’t an education?
LIVERPOOL V HULL
SCORE 3-0
MOST LIKELY – Call and phone in sick Hull, this day is going to be a write off. Go drink yourselves into a gutter tonight and try not to think about the spanking you’re going to get tomorrow, it must be getting boring.
PORTSMOUTH V EVERTON
SCORE 0-1
MOST LIKELY – It bodes well that Portsmouth’s new owner enjoys playing chess, that boredom fresh hold will come in handy I’m sure. At some point, Portsmouth have to win a game, or even draw, but Everton are very good at ruining parties. In fact, if Everton were a party guest they’d be the one that turned up drunk, spilt red wine over the floor and punched the window through in annoyance with himself. He’d also be the one that requested everyone gather round and sing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody…T***!
STOKE V MAN UTD
SCORE 1-3
MOST LIKELY – Sir Alex Ferguson called this game the turning point in United’s season last year. I find that a little sad but whatever floats your boat I guess. Manchester United, with all the wealth and talent they have, should roll over Stoke like a dog rolls over fox s***. It’s testament to Stoke that bookies don’t pay out on these kind of fixtures when the season schedule is announced.
TOTTENHAM V BURNLEY
SCORE 4-0
MOST LIKELY – Spurs must be pretty p***** off. They’ve been thoroughly put back in their top 8 place by Man Utd and Chelsea and will want to make a point here. With Crouch scoring back flick volleys you can’t really go wrong. Is there anything that man can not do? Besides fitting into small, cramped spaces?
WIGAN V CHELSEA
SCORE 2-2
MOST LIKELY – Carlo Ancelotti this week said the best thing about England was Bacon. Does anyone else find that a tad depressing? Everywhere has bacon. Still a trip to Wigan pier should get his tourist taste buds tingling. Maybe he could take in Blackpool whilst he’s there… Thinking about it, bacon is pretty good.
SUNDERLAND V WOLVES
SCORE 3-2
MOST LIKELY – Mick McCarthy will be more than used to losing at the Stadium of Light so this result shouldn’t raise any eyebrows. It might confuse him turning his head the other way to watch the opposing bench celebrate but I’m sure he’ll get used to it after the first goal rattles in.
MAN CITY V WEST HAM
SCORE 2-1
MOST LIKELY – After just seeing their way past Fulham in the Carling Cup this week City will be relieved this game falls on a Monday. Plus it should give all their stars plenty of time to get over weekend pool parties and key swapping orgies (no one swings on a Sunday night do they?) Providing no strikers get arrested or banned for anything they do in the next couple of days they should be fine… Remember Benjani? I wonder which Burger King outlet he’s at now?
Hull City Chairman Paul Duffen has hit out at the future Paul Duffen for the ‘panicked’ decision to sack under fire manager Phil Brown. Duffen said he had ‘complete and utter faith in Brown’ providing ‘he couldn’t find anyone better’ and an impulse reaction to fire him after not winning a decent game for at least a year would be ‘harsh’.
‘The people of Hull have got to remember they are in Hull. If Darlington were playing Manchester United and Chelsea they probably wouldn’t win, so why are we any different? You could have Phil Brown in charge, Brian Clough, Jesus, it doesn’t matter, Hull City would still not be expected to get anything out of Tottenham away.’
Asked what he thought about future Paul Duffen’s decision to sack Brown in early October, completely going against the present Paul Duffen’ statement, Duffen said ‘Wow, maybe I find him in bed with my wife or something. That, or I finally get my sums right and realize how much less I’ll get from Championship football. Either way, what an erratic move ey? I wonder if Iain Dowie will be free then?’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Phew! Its tough being a Newcastle fan, believe me. One minute your flying high at the top of the Coca Cola Championship, the next you’ve lost your first game of the season to the ‘Bumpkin King’ Ian Holloway and the giants of Blackpool Town. Hold on though, we’ve just beaten the bumpkin’s of Plymouth to go within a point of league leaders West Bromwich Albion….oh wait….yep….lost to Peterborough in the Carling Cup….F***, my heads spinning! Who knew Championship life would be so fast paced. The top four have got it easy compared to our sorry lot. Arsenal don’t even play half of their matches, preferring instead to grab young children off of the streets of London, kit them out in miniature Arsenal strips, pump them full of performance-enhancing drugs and watch the superlatives roll in (Wenger reportedly recruited Jack Wilshire and Aaron Ramsey by offering to buy them a couple of bottles of Lambrini and some fags from the local shop).
Young Jacob is set to start against Fulham on Saturday. The ‘combatative’ Paul Konchesky will be his marker
Newcastle attempted a similar tactic before Tuesday’s game against Peterborough. Unfortunately, instead of coming across a talented young Mexican and a Henry-influenced striker with bags of potential, we found Lomano Lua Lua’s younger brother sneaking a crafty look at a shop’s top shelf material (which Hughton dutifully bought for the youngster). Who’ll be the next underwhelming youngster to grace St James’ Park? Samuel Ameobi? Oh well, he can’t be as bad as his big brother. I know I said Championship life was getting a bit stale but I feel myself backtracking quicker than Sol Campbell out of a legally-binding contract. I just want to win again, and not just by a measly single goal. West Brom get to thump Boro 5-0, when do we get our turn?!
Right, let’s get to the bottom of this by taking a closer look at the last few results. First up, let’s examine the weekend’s fixture against Plymouth. 3-1 was the score, though don’t be fooled, this was not a convincing win. I’m sure Paul Whitehouse was pleased with what he saw (who am I kidding, he was probably busy utilising his prestigious comic talent by writing more classic Aviva ads that ridicule people for their regional accents – ‘BARGAIN!!!’) The first Newcastle goal, a headed effort courtesy of the tenacious Steven Taylor, probably owes more to lacklustre defending than genuine, incisive attacking play. Plymouth temporarily levelled the game just after half time through Karl Duguid before Nolan nodded home a near identical goal to Taylor’s.
Andy Carroll snatched a third (I say snatched, I mean absolutely walloped), driving the ball low into the bottom corner from just inside the area. Carroll had previously rattled the crossbar with an acrobatic effort that almost contained an element of grace (Sorry Andy, you haven’t quite mastered a graceful style of football. When on the ball, you still have all the poise of a ‘post-op’ wrestler). So all in all, the game saw an average Newcastle performance that resulted in victory over the league table’s bottom team. *Clap*….*Clap*…..
Then there’s the Peterborough game. Now, I understand our main focus this season has to be returning to the Premiership (ideally through automatic promotion rather than a playoff against Doncaster or another equally random late contender) but we don’t have the squad to rest our best players. Four youngsters made their first-team debut (James Tavernier, Haris Vuckic, Ryan Donaldson and Ben Tozer) and were simply outplayed by Darren ‘Spawn of Alex’ Ferguson’s Posh (the frustration clearly got to Danny Guthrie, sent off for the second time this season for a second bookable offence).
Bloody Fergusons, why can’t they be reserved and average like the Hughtons of this world?! What was more worrying was that even with the late additions of Smith, Nolan and the 94 year old Geremi, the Toon Army still looked incapable of pulling back even one goal. What are we going to do when we play teams like Scunthorpe? The loan capture of Blackburn defender Zurab Khizanishvili should help sure the defence but the potential acquisition of Marlon Harewood from Aston Villa has to be regarded as a priority. Although never prolific, Harewood should prove to be a more useful linkup forward than the thankfully injured Ameobi. Niles Ranger and Andy Carroll have already shown more promise in the space of a month than poor old Shola has in his entire career and both would work well with the dome-headed striker.
Now, I realise this week’s blog has been somewhat of a shame-spiral of negativity (it’s probably just the s*** weather and lack of sunlight) but a much needed boost is just around the corner. That’s right, on Saturday Newcastle play Ipswich. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Just to put this in perspective for any Premiership-exclusive football fans, playing Ipswich is like Christmas, except it happens twice in the space of eight months. It even has its own rituals and ceremonies. Before the game, Ipswich’s manager Roy Keane entertains the footballing world by telling everyone that Ipswich should be playing top-flight football and that signing players such as Carlos Edwards will help him accomplish this.
In preparation for his routines Roy has studied the masters of comedy including Brian Connelly and Ken Dodd
Essentially, it’s like a stand-up routine; everyone has a good laugh and feels better about themselves. Then we have the awards ceremony, normally lasting around ninety minutes, where Ipswich gift their opposing team a number of goals, whilst asking for little or often none in return. Once the ceremony is over, everyone returns home and Mr.Keane goes back to walking his poor f****** dogs. For all you Premiership fans, it’s the same as a fixture against Hull. Roll on Saturday!
The FA were left crying with ironic laughter today after receiving a letter from the government noting them of their failings. Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe outlined his disappointed that the FA have stopped listening to anything the government say, in sync with the entire nation.
An FA spokesmen says, we can’t wait to put this up on Facebook, it’s f***** hilarious, seriously. It’s like receiving a letter from a bank robber asking you not to steal knock off DVD’s.’
He continued, ‘let’s see here, so you’ve put the country into financial ruin, p**** off the only ally we had left by taking the p*** out of terror attack victims, you’ve f***** up our industry, you’ve f***** up our schools, you’ve f***** up our hospitals and you’ve f***** up our global reputation, yet you send us a nasty letter just because we can’t get anyone to watch women’s football? Shouldn’t you be worried about something else?’