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Greetings once again readers, yes Dr Magicsponge is back once again to solve those ball related problems (a little innuendo for you there, who says therapy can’t be fun? )
This week, a rather disgruntled Scotsman… Where’s the problem there I hear you ask, read on:
Dear Dr Magicsponge,
I have a history of anger problems (I’m ginger, need I say more?) but usually I can solve the issue by counting to ten and regrouping. However, recently I find myself getting to about five and then just setting things on fire. Luckily I live in Liverpool so this has gone largely unnoticed to date but I worry people are starting to catch on.
Recently my number one centre back decided that 55,000 a week wasn’t quite enough to be rubbing along with and so threw a transfer request in my face and b******* off to play for a team far better than mine and one with a manager far more attractive than me (I’m ginger, need I say more?) I feel like I’ve come home to find my wife in bed with another man… again, and this time it’s not someone like Tim Cahill where I could hold my hands up and say ‘fair play dear’ but instead Louis Saha, who ended up missing the target by a yard and staining the head board.
I just feel like all my problems are coming to a head, and if I’m not careful, I’m worried I’ll end up confiding in Phil Neville or something, and no one wants to talk to Phil Neville. Please help.
p.s I’m thinking about starting a huge fire in Burnley, would this be advised?
Sticky Toffee
Sticky Toffee,
First things first, Whilst I would never condone starting fires, I know a guy who could get you some good kindling… and would happily leave it in a prearranged pick up point near Burnley for you… but not necessarily to start a fire 
. Secondly, if you’re finding your wife in bed with Louis Saha it’s maybe better I give you the Samaritans phone number, I can only do so much healing.
Your centre back does sounds like a bit of a k*** jockey, but let me ask you this: is £55,000 enough for anyone to be surviving on in these tough economic times? My local petrol station is now charging 106.9 per litre…per f****** litre! Maybe you should value your employees more, and possibly your appearance (being ginger isn’t the worst thing in the world… you could be Iain Dowie for example)
I would suggest trying to move on, and quickly. Maybe go out and buy a new centre back, I’ve heard Titus Bramble is available. And tie your wife to a leash before you leave the house, it sounds like she enjoys a bit too much of a free role amongst your starting eleven. Maybe consider introducing her to Phil Neville, it might make her appreciate you a little bit more.
Happy burning
Dr Magicsponge
Equal rights campaigners last night reacted angrily to the news that Premier League star Luka Modric is being forced to prove he has a pair of testicles. The FA have demanded a gender test after the Croatian midfielder’s team mate Jermain Defoe described him as ’someone you’d take home at 3 in the morning, if all else had failed.’
Strenuous tests are due to take place this week to determine if Modric will be able to continue playing in the top flight. Chief medical examiner Raymond VanGenitals, in charge of the testing, has promised the investigation will be thorough. ‘Basically, what we’re going to do is ask Mr or Mrs Modric to drop his or her shorts and then then stare inquisitively for a couple of hours looking out for a giant pair of balls’
‘If nothing can be found then we’ll have to call this case a Darren Anderton and ask kindly for the player to either retire, or remove the breasts so not entice any Premier League defences with all that bouncing.’
Modric has been unavailable for comment with Harry Redknapp saying ‘he always gets a bit cranky at this time of the month anyway, all this speculation is not helping.’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Michael Owen just remembered how to play that game I like.
Sven Goran Eriksson just discovered Dagenham and Redbridge are quite close together
David James would quite like a team in front of him
Joleon Lescott is about to be totally loaded!
Scottish football fans have reacted angrily after a U2 gig forced the postponement of Saturday’s crucial third division battle between Queen’s Park and Albion Rovers. The Irish pop band left the Hampden park pitch in tatters after thousands of music lovers packed the arena under the false assumption somebody good was on, only to kick their heels into the turf when realizing the next 3 hours of their lives would be spent listening to Bono.
The match official decided on Friday afternoon that no one should have to risk Bono returning for an encore and cancelled the game immediately. Distraught supporters last night started riots in the streets of Glasgow smashing windows, vandalizing street signs and brawling aimlessly in what police have described as ‘just another Friday night.’
A Queen’s Park spokesmen said ‘it’s a shame to have to call a game of this stature off last minute. The television cameras have been forced to change their plans, which hasn’t gone down well with the advertisers and we’re looking into the possibility of reimbursing anyone who has flown in from overseas. I tell you what though, they totally nailed ‘With or Without You’ the crowd was rocking. I threw my underwear at the Edge, I hope he kept them.’
The DA is pleased to introduce our very own faith healer, able to read the future using super human powers that none of you pathetic mortals posses. He prefers to remain anonymous, so as not to upset the spirits, with that in mind you should know, it’s definitely not Glenn Hoddle. His identity has been protected in this article using clever mind tricks that you wouldn’t understand:
Salutations football fans, Hlenn Goddle here to guide you through the mysterious veil that shrouds the sport’s future. Now, I know what you’re thinking: What’s an England international with 594 appearances for club and country, who also happens to be one half of the unstoppable ‘Goddle/Waddle’ pop-machine, doing writing for a two-bit football site run by drunks and loners? Well, I took pity on them readers, for these wretched souls are enduring a lifetime of punishment for the sins of their past existences. The spirit-world has reliably informed me that the editor is actually the reincarnation of Grigori Rasputin, Russia’s infamous, psychopathic faith-healer. Of course, I would never normally consider helping the re-embodiment of an individual who put the highly effective practice of faith-healing into such sordid disrepute, but no-one will let me on the telly anymore so I thought, “Sod it!”
This week saw the minnows of Burnley’s snatch a terrific 1-0 victory over reigning Premier League champions Manchester United. Everyone appeared flabbergasted by the result, unable to comprehend how such an upset could have happened: Everyone except for me, Hlenn f***** Goddle! While lesser pundits tried desperately to lift their bottom jaws from off of the floor, I sat alone in my house meditating and nodding in self-approval. As I lie here on my laptop amongst the mountains and mountains of cash I made betting on a Burnley win, I shall recount to you how I clutched the result out of the swirling, ethereal vortex of football’s past, present and future.
Burnley’s last win over the Red Devils came on September 14th, 1968. In that year, the Hong Kong Flu pandemic spread throughout the world, with many seeing this as a sign of a coming Apocalypse. 41 years on and the world’s first pandemic since 1968 arrives in the form of the Swine-Flu virus outbreak. Fortunately, I have protected myself with a spiritual force-field which is fuelled by the constant consumption of Muller Rice. However, for lesser mortals, (like Micah Richards) Swine-Flu is a serious threat and the same apocalyptic predictions have begun to emerge. Coincidence: I think not!
As Burnley took the lead, Manchester United’s overpaid flops were left wandering around the pitch with their flu-masks, desperately trying to avoid each other’s exhalation. Watching Michael Owen upfront, he appeared to have already contracted the virus, missing chance after chance as he swung his legs in a number of violent spasms. Michael, if you’re reading, stock up on the Muller Rice! I’ll bring round the tape of you scoring that goal against Argentina in ’98. Ah, memories…
Did I mention I’m awesome… you are not.
Spirit Love
ARSENAL V PORTSMOUTH
SCORE – 4-0
MOST LIKELY – Do you ever get that feeling of guilt after you’ve just stepped on an ant? The Arsenal dressing room will be full of that at around 5pm on Saturday. Arsene Wenger will probably buy Paul Hart some chocolates and flowers to apologise. David James might as well walk to the centre circle, pull his trousers down and then spin round continuously trying to catch his own a***. That’s how humiliated he will be come the end of the game.
BIRMINGHAM V STOKE
SCORE – 1-1
MOST LIKELY – First draw of the Premier league season, what better time than during a game no one really gives a monkey about anyway. If ever a game had it’s destiny of being last on Match of the Day stolen away from it it’s this one. What are the odds that Hull v Bolton would be played on the same weekend?
HULL V BOLTON
SCORE – 1-2
MOST LIKELY – Rumour has it, the Hull players are going to drag Phil Brown onto the pitch at half time and tell him he’s s***. Bolton will ram that point home by doing something their fans could once only dream of… winning away from home. If a shockingly bad deflection or defensive howler doesn’t influence this game in anyway, then I’m Anthea Turner.
MAN CITY V WOLVERHAMPTON
SCORE – 3-0
MOST LIKELY – It’s a shame for Wolves that their first up at the city of Manchester stadium. It’s unlikely that any of the City stars will have had their home cinemas or living room spas installed yet so they’ll probably still fancy a game. Most will be out to prove a point that they’re not money grabbing posers in front of the home fans, at least until pay day when they have to go and grab all of their money.
SUNDERLAND V BLACKBURN
SCORE – 3-2
MOST LIKELY – Tough to call this, but when you’ve got Darren Bent you can’t possibly lose. Especially when Blackburn will be fielding the kidnapped Michel Salgado in the heart of their defence. If you thought Lescott didn’t want to play for Everton, you wait till you see how the former Real Madrid defender plays whilst strapped to a chair with an apple tapped to his mouth.
WIGAN V MAN UTD
SCORE – O-O
MOST LIKELY – More endless gabble about how Ronaldo used to do that whole scoring thing for United and more endless gabble about how Michael Owen doesn’t. Martinez will look smug, like he’s pulled off a career starting clean sheet and Sir Alex Ferguson will be left insisting he doesn’t need to buy somebody good (to the one journalist he lets interview him… Is he dating Geoff Shreeves?)
BURNLEY V EVERTON
SCORE – 1-1
MOST LIKELY – Everton have a hole to fill in their defence, Burnley have Andre Bikey in their defence, I know what you’re thinking, the scoreline seems a bit low. But this will be a good battle and both teams will be out to prove a point. Turf Moor is going to be hard for everyone this year seeing as no coach driver will park in Burnley so the walk from Blackburn can really take it out of most teams, expect another close one here.
FULHAM V CHELSEA
SCORE 1-2
MOST LIKELY – Fulham will play well, Chelsea will sneak it, everyone will be filled with that annoying resentment they always feel when this happens…every week. Lampard will probably score the winner after deflecting the ball against Putney and Drogba will undoubtedly moan at everything from refereeing decisions to the half time pies being too soggy.
WEST HAM V TOTTENHAM
SCORE 0-1
MOST LIKELY – Harry Redknapp returning to his old stomping ground, some East London bank accounts will be fluctuating that’s for sure. Spurs are on a roll though (whoever saw that coming) and they’ll probably just edge this one. They won’t turn West Ham over, because quite simply, they’re just too damn lovable.
LIVERPOOL V ASTON VILLA
SCORE 3-1
MOST LIKELY – …Fernando Torres will do something awesome…he must get bored of it really.
Portsmouth manager Paul Hart has been found wrapped in a blanket swaying side to side and calling for his mummy at the Pompey training ground, apparently convinced that the zombie film ‘28 days later’ has become a reality.
Nadir Belhadj was the only player to turn up to training yesterday as he’d forgotten to hand in his transfer request the day before and Hart was forced to deliver his pre-match briefing to a plumber currently working on the dressing rooms pipes and a sock puppet called Roy the Rover.
The Fratton Park boss admitted ‘we’re going to Arsenal a little on the pessimistic side. The plan so far is to stack all the dirty laundry we have in the goal mouth and hope it blocks the majority. David James has also kindly left some curling tongs so I’m going to try and fit them somewhere into the game plan as well. You haven’t seen any zombies around have you? Here take this shotgun, if you see Younes Kaboul, it’s too late. He’s one of them and must be destroyed, aim for the face.’
Fans discovered yesterday that Peter Storrie has become one of the front runners for the takeover of the club and Storrie has promised to ‘buy Nigel Quashie’ and ‘offer Kanu a new five year contract… That’s what championship clubs do right?’
The Newcastle United Chronicles
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
OK. Hands up who thought last week’s tongue-in-cheek suggestion that Shola Ameobi would become a pivotal cog in the Newcastle United promotion machine was about as likely as Neil Warnock dismissing a bad refereeing decision with an “Oh well, you win some, you lose some”? After watching Ameobi’s hat-trick against Reading last Saturday, you would be forgiven for expecting me to back-track faster than a moon-walking dance troop at a Michael Jackson memorial. However, as I sit here wiping the last remnants of egg off of my face, I can only praise the exceptional skill possessed by his fellow team-mates, who successfully managed to deflect the ball off the lumbering striker’s head/feet into the oppositions net giving the illusion that he is A) a solid, predatory striker and B) a conscious, sentient being. As for the penalty against Reading…well, I’ll give him that one. All in all a very satisfactory performance against a young, almost unrecognisable Reading team who’d failed to keep their star players after relegation from the Premier League. Hang on, that sounds familiar…
The beginning of the week saw the departure of Damien Duff, unhappy with life at St. James’ Park and obviously of the opinion that £60K per week was nowhere near an acceptable wage for a Championship footballer. Which is fair enough I suppose. I’m reliably informed that Blackpool’s Jason Euell doesn’t get out of bed for less than £120K per week and a daily massage from a naked Ian Holloway.
Danny Simpson was the club’s first acquisition, coming on loan from Manchester United. The news clearly rocked the Old Trafford faithful, with dismayed reactions ranging from “Who the f**k is Danny Simpson?” to “they can keep him for all I care, we’re re-signing Ryan Shawcross ‘cos he’s the new Henning Berg!” In an even more shocking move, unattached defensive goliath Sol Campbell successfully resisted Sven’s Swedish charms/advances, rejecting an opportunity to play for the giants of Nott’s County, perhaps keen to settle instead for a squad-place with the football league’s poorer Magpies. He may be 34 and currently battling with the early stages of cataracts, arthritis and, if he even contemplated a move to Nott’s County, dementia, but Ol’ Sol is still twice the defender of Fabricio Coloccini, whose barnet increasingly looks like it could double as a nesting ground for wetland birds.
After the unavoidable pangs of optimism that followed the Reading win I eagerly awaited the mid-week visit of Sheffield Wednesday. Hmmm, I remember them. It hasn’t been too long since they were playing Premier League football so I was certain a few of the old boys would still be in the squad list. Pressman, Carbone, Di Canio, maybe even Des Walker *, there to seek his elusive second career goal. If Sol Campbell’s still playing, they had to be too! Sadly, Wednesday didn’t appear to be the side they once were and an early goal from, yes you guessed it, Ameobi gave Newcastle an early lead that they never really looked like relinquishing.
However, the game did involve one ex-Premier League star. Now replace the word ‘star’ with ‘talentless scrotum’ and you’ll probably have guessed the individual. That’s right; Mr. Francis Jeffers came on as a late sub and nearly snatched a late equaliser but his innate spooning instinct took over as he scuffed the shot. Even the Argentinean a*se Coloccini looked rightly embarrassed to be on the same pitch as Jeffers. Unfortunately for Wednesday fans, Francis is unlikely to be banging in hat-tricks/assaulting referees in the near future.
Three games into the new season and Newcastle United are sitting pretty, 3rd place in the Coca Cola Championship with seven points of a possible nine. This pessimist is struggling to find things to moan about. Perhaps I could take some tips from the master? On Saturday the Toon Army faces Neil Warnock’s Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park. My own personal prediction is for Freddy Sears to continue his phantom goal-scoring streak (1 goal in 27 senior career games perfectly illustrates the striker’s invisible, nay non-existent prolificacy) whilst Newcastle continually counter-attack and score actual goals. Warnock brandishes a shotgun at half-time but is finally calmed by his terrified staff. As the second half comes to a close, Palace are denied a penalty and Warnock fires blindly onto the pitch before turning the gun on himself. The following day, the Sun go with an amusing back page reference to Warnock ‘losing his head’ whilst angry TV pundits call for every referee in the land to be lynched with immediate effect. I was going to attend the Palace game due to my proximity but if my chilling vision is realised I could become just another (literal) faceless victim of Warnock’s wrath.
*Incidentally, talking of Des Walker, check out his new star appearance on the Paddy Power advert, he’s still got it
Want away Everton star Joleon Lescott has stunned the football world by admitting he doesn’t want to feature against European giants Sigma Olomouc tonight claiming the tie ‘clashed with a big Hollyoaks plot line conclusion’.
The toffees will now have to deal with the expected Sigma attacking onslaught without the centre back after David Moyes made the bold move of throwing a chair at the defender’s head and screaming ‘you f***** money grabbing b******, go f***** cry like a baby somewhere else you whiny little s***’.
Lescott added ‘I asked the boys if we could do absolutely anything else, cinema, pub just anything really but the gaffa was adamant we had to play this s***** tie. If turning up to training in a dressing gown whilst eating cheerios out of the box and parking my Ferrari in the centre circle signals a bad attitude then f*** me, can a guy not do anything anymore?
Manchester City are set to offer a further stash of ridiculous money later today but have admitted going about the deal the wrong way. Manager Mark Hughes commented ‘I think we maybe took the wrong path when we offered to swap Craig Bellamy. I’ve never heard so many expletives in the space of ten seconds, it was quite possibly a record.’
Serbian hit man Nemanja Vidic has played down reports linking him with European Champions Barcelona by saying ‘where’s my keys? I’ll be there in an hour.’ His agent has also been quick to quash speculation adding ‘All I’m saying is, if you buy a Barcelona kit with ‘VIDIC‘ on the back today, it won’t look so stupid tomorrow.’
Despite the obvious denial, rumours continue to mount that the centre back’s earlier comments (‘I want to go to Barcelona, I want to go to Barcelona!!!) will force a move to the Spanish giants and leave Manchester United with no trained assassins in their backline at all. Sightings of Gary Neville training with an AK Kalashnikov have done little to ease concerns.
United manager Sir Alex Ferguson said ‘if you think I’m going to let the iron curtain break free into southern Europe you’re off your head. Nemanja has four hours to back down or he will feel the full force of our power…and a wedgie from Bobby Charlton, let me tell you, that guy is relentless.’
Barcelona have yet to comment as they’ve been too far too busy with important issues like signing contracts and organizing medicals.