The DA

League Two club Notts County has promised a swift end to the pensions crisis in the UK by offering an alternative to retirement. Footballers considering hanging up their boots can now sign a five year deal with the Magpies which includes free health cover, lavish corporate pampering and huge sums of offshore, tax free money to see you through the cold winters and lonely, bingo filled summers.

OAPS already considering the offer include Luis Figo, Patrick Viera, Pavel Nedved and Sol Campbell. Customer relations manager Sven Goran Eriksson thinks there is real value in the deal to the average consumer.

“Ok, it’s not quite putting your feet up in Spain but we feel we are offering our pensioners a fair deal. All you have to do is fit your overage, pudgy belly into a football shirt, turn up every now and again and announce your injured and make sure you have enough wheel barrows to safely carry your money away without doing your back in. Currently I use 17 but I’m being a little tight fisted. 25-30 is probably more suiting.

County fans have reacted positevely to the deal. “Why the hell would I want to sit and watch fast paced, exciting action when I can pay more to see a fat b****** stand in the centre circle wondering painfully to himself just why the f*** he’s playing Accrington Stanley?!’

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