The DA

The Newcastle United chronicles

The DA’s Dan Green begins a journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.

So, to begin, let’s just recap the main developments of the 2009 pre-season. My beloved team Newcastle United have dropped down to the second tier of English football for the first time in 16 years. In order to prepare for a tough season of physical Championship football, we have jettisoned the senior squad’s dead-wood (in the form of our three primary strikers Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka as well as arguably our three most consistent defenders in Habib Beye, Sebastian Bassong and David Edgar). Fantastic! And to replace them we have brought in…no-one? Ok, not a great start but at least we have retained an excellent club infrastructure, headed up by a competent manager and a passionate, devoted chairman. Apparently not, as it appears we have NO manager and a chairman affectionately referred to as the ‘fat cockney b*stard’ by the Geordie faithful. Oh well, at least we have an attractive away kit that doesn’t make our boys look like walking vomit-sandwiches (*gulp*). Sadly for this fan, on the eve of one of the most important seasons in the club’s history, the current Newcastle set-up is more ‘Dad’s Army’ than ‘Toon Army’.

That said, the business of getting the club back into the Premier League began on Saturday, away to West Brom at the ever-packed-out Hawthorn’s Stadium. Sadly, I was unable to make the match due to the fact it was on TV…for free… however, it was clear to see that there is at least one man in a suit that cares for the future of Newcastle United. Mr. Shearer’s expression was one of pure pity, ruing the fates that had relegated his team thanks to a final day capitulation at Villa Park. That or he was seeing the away kit for the first time. In any case, he was well aware of the mess the club has found itself in, both financially and aesthetically. Shearer has been quoted saying that he would ‘dearly love’ to return as manager in order to rectify the mistakes that have been made in the past. However, the Championship is still a very difficult league for a rookie manager to ‘cut his teeth’ in and for now, Alan is perhaps at his best sat on the pundit’s couch, flirting with Lee Dixon.

As the Newcastle team-sheet was announced I found it almost impossible to believe that three of the club’s worst players were still in attendance. In the heart of defence, Fabricio Coloccini, a man who looks like he got lost on his way to a Valderrama-lookalike contest. Unfortunately, his likeness to the Colombian legend seems to have had no effect on his ability to play intelligent, defensive football. To his left, Jose Enrique, a player who has 3 Spanish U21 caps yet seems unable to do anything when in possession, his favorite tactic being to turn around and run back to his own goal-line where he inevitably concedes a corner. Last and certainly ‘least’ in regards to the amount of talent he possesses is Shola Ameobi, a striker so clumsy he makes the Chuckle Brothers look like highly-trained tradesmen. Many have suggested he will do well at Championship level, where goals are easy to come by for strong, powerful forwards. Unfortunately for Shola, he is neither and I can only hope the dynamic Andy Carroll stays fit enough to keep him out of the team (although, an Andy Carroll on crutches with every ligament in his body stretched to breaking point would still pose more of a physical threat than Ameobi). Unfortunately, as the end of the transfer window approaches it is unlikely that any of these players will find buyers and with our WAG-thin squad at breaking point, we need all the players we can get.

The game began at a remarkably high tempo, with both teams eager to finish the match as quickly as possible so the Newcastle kit could be ritually burned and the evil spirits woven within banished forever. West Brom were first to strike, with Newcastle failing to clear a dangerous free-kick and Shelton Martis tucking the ball into the net. Worse still, as the ball trickled over the line, the heroic Steve Harper received a boot in the face from the dainty Ameobi, who had probably shouted ‘SHOLA SMASH!!!’ before swinging his leg at a poorly attempted clearance. Enter Tim Krul, the man, the myth, the legend. Krul, the destroyer of worlds, who makes Conan the Barbarian look like Ashley Cole after a rollicking from Cheryl. Krul, who also happens to be an exceptional shot-stopper and caught nearly every ball he went for. After Shay Given’s transfer to Manchester City last season, I worried that the likes of Krul, Fraser Forster and Ole Soderberg would be able to give adequate support to the veteran Harper. However, on this evidence, Steve may well find himself No.2 once again (sod’s law, poor chap!) as Krul kept Albion out.

An early equalizer (and fitting finish to the move of the game) just after half time, courtesy of winger Damien Duff, seemed to turn the game in Newcastle’s favour. Congratulations must surely go to Sir Alex Ferguson for developing Alan Smith, previously one of England’s best Premier League strikers, into the Championship’s best defensive midfielder. Smith looked lively and assured and, unfortunately for the player’s aspirations, seems more comfortable at a lower level of professional football. Not that Toon fans will be complaining if he keeps turning in captain-worthy performances like that week-in, week-out! Ultimately, a resurgent Newcastle were unable to find a winner and were lucky to see Jonas Olsson’s late header ruled out for offside. All in all, a satisfactory point away to one of the league’s promotion favorite, with the Baggies hoping to once again ‘boing’ themselves back into the top flight. However, I’m sure that by the time I next come to write, everything will have been turned on its head and a consortium headed by Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar will have made a late bid for the club, keen to announce Shola Ameobi as player/manager. God help us all!

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