Let’s face it, it’s been pretty hard to keep up with just what the hell has been going on this summer. Apparently Real Madrid and Man City have signed a couple of players, Sven Goran Eriksson has realized that you can pork whoever you like when no one cares about the team you manage and shock of all shocks, Stoke City have appeared in a Premier league table for two years running! What is happening in the crazy world of football? The DA has produced a guide to explain how the season will pan out, you know, to save any actual need to watch the football. No one cares about that anymore.
ARSENAL
Well, Arsene Wenger promised some big money spending and sure enough… he signed global sensation Thomas Vermaelen, replica shirts have been flying off the shelves ever since. Once again the Frenchmen seems to have confused his cheque book with his paying in slips and it will certainly be interesting to see how one of the big four does without any players. With many of the foreign stars now realizing that not all of England looks like north London they are flocking the nest quicker than someone can shout ‘we’ll pay you more money’. However, the genetically modified youth player crop could finally pay off for the Gunners this year and maintain the new popular chant ‘forth place, to the Arsenal’.
PREDICTION = 4th place, and the phrase ‘but they do play great football’ used more often than every sentence you’ve ever heard, ever!
ASTON VILLA
You have to feel a little bit sorry for Aston Villa, and not just because of the accents. Having come so close to reaching the promised land last year (the excitement of being knocked out in Champions league qualifying) their team has somewhat fallen apart and they will surely struggle to replicate last years achievements. Losing Martin Laursen at the back is a bit like losing a side to your house and Gareth Barry, although forever running about in the area of the pitch no one really cares about, will prove a big big loss. People might have realized by now that Ashley Young doesn’t really mean it when he steps over the ball (it’s an illusion to trick you) and it could well be a tough year to take for Villa fans.
PREDICTION = 8th Place, and for Martin O Neil to finally be taken away in a straight jacket.
BIRMINGHAM CITY
Will these guys just make their minds up already, you’re either a good championship team or a s*** premier league team, which one is it?! This season could be well be a success story however (if you consider 16th place a success story.. most English athletes would). They have made some shrewd signings… and Lee Bowyer. Joe Hart will be busier than a barman during happy hour but hey, he looks like he can hold a glass or two, and occasionally a ball. Mcleish will help steer this ship clear of relegation, and steering a ship in Birmingham is not easy.
PREDICTION = 16TH, and some top class fighting action, Lee Bowyer, Lee Carlsey and Barry Ferguson in the same midfield… this is gonna be great.
BLACKBURN ROVERS
Call off the search party Italy, Christian Vieri has been found alive and well after surviving a two week ordeal training with Blackburn Rovers. The guy must have been bored! Oddly enough he was considered too fat to play for them (they must have changed their policy this year). Expect Blackburn to be ‘a difficult team to play’ this year, you know, the place where everyone goes expecting a ‘tough battle’ but end up sneaking out with a 1-0 win having made fans sit through the most atrocious 90 minutes in the history of 90 minutes. Sky will do their best to ignore them but they’ll inevitably play a part somewhere along the line, shame really.
PREDICTION = 14TH, with no one knowing quite where they got their points from, because no one really cares.
Vieri taking pre season at Blackburn seriously then
BOLTON WANDERERS
Fair play to Bolton, they have survived far longer in the Premier League than anybody could possibly have wanted them to. Even their own fans must long for the days when they didn’t have to venture into every game defending a goal mouth like it was a president. And what is it about Gary Megson’s face that makes it so annoying? They’ve got enough about them to survive…again. Whoop whoop they must be thinking, ‘we’re better than the three promoted teams for the 14th season in a row. Maybe we should try over taking a real Premier League team this year?’ ‘Maybe not.’
PREDICTION = 15TH, they start there don’t they?.
BURNLEY
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha…..hahahahahahahahahahahaaha, no wait, sorry I can hahahahahahahahahahaha, hahahahahaha.
Ha… Robinho’s face when he sees Turf Moor hahahahahaha. How did this happen?
PREDICTION = 18TH, To be fair, they’ll put up a great fight and provide good entertainment but will just slip back down the trap door.
CHELSEA
Chelsea must be loving the fact that this year, people have someone better to hate. In fact, the Stamford Bridge boys are starting to get a little bit of sympathy; They’re no longer the big spenders, they can’t sign anyone good for love nor money, and they can’t seem to get rid of Didier Drogba. Could you feel anymore sorry for them? They’ve been forced to take hand downs from Manchester City and clutch onto John ‘I was never leaving, promise’ Terry. Surely, signing Titus Bramble is the only thing left for ultimate sympathy. I don’t see there being much to cheer about this year, they’ll have a good Champions league run but falter in the league.
PREDICTION = 5TH, But look out for Michael Ballack finally doing something good, the time must be drawing closer.
EVERTON
This is a very bold shout, and one which will probably forever go down as an ‘Alan Hansen’ but back Everton to prop up the top three this year… Well, Sven Goran Eriksson’s managing Notts County, why the hell not?! They’ve kept a very strong basis together from last year and bear in mind over half the team was out injured for much of the campaign (they actually had to play Louis Saha!). There’s a good blend of youth and experience at Goodison and no one has really mentioned them all summer, other than the whole Lescott saga. Would he just hurry up and grab his money so we can all just get on with other things?
PREDICTION = 3RD, Why would you ever want to sit on a fence, you’ll get splinters in nasty places.
FULHAM
Fulham must now be officially battling it out with West Ham over the team that everyone wants to cuddle the most. Their style of play, their traditional ground and a manager more lovable than two polar bears frolicking on melting ice (you’ve seen the ads). They’ll never really have an impact on anything, but everyone likes to know they’re still about, getting on with their mid table business, worrying about issues such as Bobby Zamora’s big transfer to Hull. They’ll do great in Europe this year, and will surprise a lot of European giants whilst their league form may not suffer as much as everyone fears.
PREDICTION = 9TH, Awwwww Fulham.
If you had to hug one team, it’d be Fulham
HULL CITY
Seeing Phil Brown singing ‘take me home’ like a drunken karaoke yob after Hull stayed up on the final day, despite desperately trying not to, was indication of what awaited this season. Relegation. Their summer signings have done little to sway opinion. They recently snapped up a Countdown conundrum from Stoke (Ajufbbeejddllllvvaaj) and were actively chasing Bobby Zamora.. who they couldn’t convince to come… nothing more needs to be said. Do you know that feeling when you look up and see a massive bird s** heading your way? That will be Hull’s season.
PREDICTION = 20TH, Wonder what Phil Brown will be singing next summer, in the job centre queue.
LIVERPOOL
Be honest, did anyone ever see Glen Johnson as an 18 million landmark signing? Remember when Shearer cost 15? That’ll buy you Darren Bent these days. Darren Bent. Still Liverpool are ready, and as many fans argued last year, if it wasn’t for one team being better than them they’d be Premier League champions right now. This season will be different, they’re certainly no better but Man United are worse (possibly) so as long as they remember exactly how they did everything last time around, they should be fine. That’s just science.
PREDICTION = 1ST, Remember that champagne you put on ice after Michael Thomas scored in the last minute? Could finally be the time… Oh wait, it’s Liverpool though, I meant Cava.
MANCHESTER CITY
So the little kid wants to play with the big boys? Man City are like that friend you had that no one really liked but had a big house you could hold parties at. Everyone wants to watch everything they own get trashed, and then maybe feel up their sister in the cupboard, just to rub it in. There will be tantrums, bust ups and plenty of drama along the way but they still haven’t signed anyone who makes them genuine title contenders. They’ve plucked a couple from big teams, but when you look at the first team it still only says 5th place max. And they still have Richard Dunne. Talk about strapping an anchor to your feet.
PREDICTION = 7TH, Still, they’ll all be happy with Europa league football in a year, right?
MANCHESTER UNITED
People have been quick to jump on Michael Owen’s back but let’s not forget Manchester United won a treble with Andy Cole up front. Owen will be a great signing, even if he is dreaming of race horses when Giggs and Valencia use his head as a target to deflect balls into the goal. Yes Tevez and Ronaldo have gone but it’s not like United are short of replacements. Nani has to be better this year (he can’t possibly be worse) and with a rock solid back line it’s still gonna take a heck of a lot to beat them. For some reason though, I can just see them getting pipped on the line this year in what Owen would recognise as a photo finish.
PREDICTION = 2ND, A disappointing season then, finishing second one year out of 4 is tough for the best of us.
PORTSMOUTH
Frederic Piquionne, Nuno Assis… Is Alan Perrin back? He did a good job didn’t he? So these new signings should bode well for the coming season at Fratton park. One word sums up Portsmouth, stuffed. Someone has finally clicked that Harry Redknapp is exceptionally good at fixing large figures and Portsmouth are in actual fact not a very big team. All the players have seemingly realized this as well and Portsmouth have been left with a very ordinary looking team. At least they might get another match with Southampton soon.
PREDICTION = 19TH, and then absolutely everyone will leave, the games up. Turn off the lights on the way out.
STOKE CITY
Despite what people say, it’s never healthy to rely on Rory Delap and to be fair they were a far better outfit than people gave them credit for last year. Second season syndrome is likely to kick in though and it’s going to take a real battle to maintain Premier League status again. They’ve maybe got just about enough now, and for some reason people in Stoke appear to be very very loud, which will really help in the big crunch games. Which is good, seeing as players Like Dave Kitson will not.
PREDICTION = 17TH, One more season of getting lots and lots of money before they finally have to accept they really should be playing Scunthorpe.
SUNDERLAND
Does Steve Bruce live at Burger King? Or does he just get puffier jackets at each new club? You can’t argue he knows what he’s doing though, even if he has signed Darren Bent. His Premiership experience, mixed with a good solid squad at Sunderland should provide a safe season in mid table. They can’t really go wrong this year, seeing as wherever they finish will be higher than Newcastle. Seeing as the pressure is well and truly off, they could be in for a good cup run of sorts. There’s a sneaky little bet worth taking… Here’s one to avoid, Bent to be Premiership top scorer, but of course you knew that already.
PREDICTION = 10TH, Darren Bent is rubbish, just in case you didn’t get it.
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
Having sold all of their strikers at the beginning of last season, Spurs have discovered that forwards are actually quite handy for scoring goals so have bought them all back again. Plus they’ve added several more just to be on the safe side. Kyle Naughton and Sebastian Bassong will be good signings in time and Tom Huddlestone and Luka Modric should really come on this year in midfield. It could be a frustrating season seeing as how many teams will be battling for top spots but the football at White Hart Lane should be back to it’s entertaining best. Watching David Bentley sit on the bench all day is almost worth the entrance fee alone.
PREDICTION = 6TH, will at least take the moral victory over Man City, which at the end of the day, is just what a chairman splashing lots of money around dreams of.
It must be hard being David Bentley, but it’s dead easy to laugh at him.
WEST HAM UNITED
Zola just feels like one of those managers who things go for, the opposite of Iain Dowie if you like. This can only mean another steady season for West Ham with perhaps some big scalps and back and forth epic encounters for the cameras. Now that Lucas Neil’s gone they are so much easier to like and no one would begrudge them another top half finish although they may well just fall short this time around.
PREDICTION = 11TH, let the battle for fluffiness with Fulham commence.
WIGAN ATHLETIC
Wigan seem to have forgotten just how much of an attractive club they should be. Sooner or later someone is going to have to change the name to something cooler, like Athletico Del Notsalford FC. with a stylish manager who loves attractive players, and young talent being drafted from all corners of the globe, you feel like Wigan spend each and everyday training on a beach with shirts off for goalposts and volleyball nets on the half way line. Never actually go to Wigan and you live happily with this illusion forever.
PREDICTION = 12TH, OLE
WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS
Mick McCarthy, the one sober Irishman who looks more p***** than the rest of them. No one will ever forget the infamous ‘we don’t need points’ season with Sunderland but McCarthy and Wolves could well be a surprise package this year. Some of their summer signings appear weak (let’s sign all those Reading players who got relegated last year, that should work) but they have the basis of a good squad and confidence should be fairly high after running away with the Championship, that league that’s pretty much just as good as the Premier league.
PREDICTION = 13TH, Look out for pundits using the phrase, “Mick McCarthy, most under rated manager in the league” because it will happen almost weekly.
It’s Back!
Let’s face it, it’s been pretty hard to keep up with just what the hell has been going on this summer. Apparently Real Madrid and Man City have signed a couple of players, Sven Goran Eriksson has realized that you can pork whoever you like when no one cares about the team you manage and shock of all shocks, Stoke City have appeared in a Premier league table for two years running! What is happening in the crazy world of football? The DA has produced a guide to explain how the season will pan out, you know, to save any actual need to watch the football. No one cares about that anymore.
ARSENAL
Well, Arsene Wenger promised some big money spending and sure enough… he signed global sensation Thomas Vermaelen, replica shirts have been flying off the shelves ever since. Once again the Frenchmen seems to have confused his cheque book with his paying in slips and it will certainly be interesting to see how one of the big four does without any players. With many of the foreign stars now realizing that not all of England looks like north London they are flocking the nest quicker than someone can shout ‘we’ll pay you more money’. However, the genetically modified youth player crop could finally pay off for the Gunners this year and maintain the new popular chant ‘forth place, to the Arsenal’.
PREDICTION = 4th place, and the phrase ‘but they do play great football’ used more often than every sentence you’ve ever heard, ever!
ASTON VILLA
You have to feel a little bit sorry for Aston Villa, and not just because of the accents. Having come so close to reaching the promised land last year (the excitement of being knocked out in Champions league qualifying) their team has somewhat fallen apart and they will surely struggle to replicate last years achievements. Losing Martin Laursen at the back is a bit like losing a side to your house and Gareth Barry, although forever running about in the area of the pitch no one really cares about, will prove a big big loss. People might have realized by now that Ashley Young doesn’t really mean it when he steps over the ball (it’s an illusion to trick you) and it could well be a tough year to take for Villa fans.
PREDICTION = 8th Place, and for Martin O Neil to finally be taken away in a straight jacket.
BIRMINGHAM CITY
Will these guys just make their minds up already, you’re either a good championship team or a s*** premier league team, which one is it?! This season could be well be a success story however (if you consider 16th place a success story.. most English athletes would). They have made some shrewd signings… and Lee Bowyer. Joe Hart will be busier than a barman during happy hour but hey, he looks like he can hold a glass or two, and occasionally a ball. Mcleish will help steer this ship clear of relegation, and steering a ship in Birmingham is not easy.
PREDICTION = 16TH, and some top class fighting action, Lee Bowyer, Lee Carlsey and Barry Ferguson in the same midfield… this is gonna be great.
BLACKBURN ROVERS
Call off the search party Italy, Christian Vieri has been found alive and well after surviving a two week ordeal training with Blackburn Rovers. The guy must have been bored! Oddly enough he was considered too fat to play for them (they must have changed their policy this year). Expect Blackburn to be ‘a difficult team to play’ this year, you know, the place where everyone goes expecting a ‘tough battle’ but end up sneaking out with a 1-0 win having made fans sit through the most atrocious 90 minutes in the history of 90 minutes.
Sky will do their best to ignore them but they’ll inevitably play a part somewhere along the line, shame really.
PREDICTION = 14TH, with no one knowing quite where they got their points from, because no one really cares.
Vieri taking pre season at Blackburn seriously then
BOLTON WANDERERS
Fair play to Bolton, they have survived far longer in the Premier League than anybody could possibly have wanted them to. Even their own fans must long for the days when they didn’t have to venture into every game defending a goal mouth like it was a president. And what is it about Gary Megson’s face that makes it so annoying? They’ve got enough about them to survive…again. Whoop whoop they must be thinking, ‘we’re better than the three promoted teams for the 14th season in a row. Maybe we should try over taking a real Premier League team this year?’ ‘Maybe not.’
PREDICTION = 15TH, they start there don’t they?.
BURNLEY
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha…..hahahahahahahahahahahaaha, no wait, sorry I can hahahahahahahahahahaha, hahahahahaha.
Ha… Robinho’s face when he sees Turf Moor hahahahahaha. How did this happen?
PREDICTION = 18TH, To be fair, they’ll put up a great fight and provide good entertainment but will just slip back down the trap door.
CHELSEA
Chelsea must be loving the fact that this year, people have someone better to hate. In fact, the Stamford Bridge boys are starting to get a little bit of sympathy; They’re no longer the big spenders, they can’t sign anyone good for love nor money, and they can’t seem to get rid of Didier Drogba. Could you feel anymore sorry for them? They’ve been forced to take hand downs from Manchester City and clutch onto John ‘I was never leaving, promise’ Terry. Surely, signing Titus Bramble is the only thing left for ultimate sympathy. I don’t see there being much to cheer about this year, they’ll have a good Champions league run but falter in the league.
PREDICTION = 5TH, But look out for Michael Ballack finally doing something good, the time must be drawing closer.
EVERTON
This is a very bold shout, and one which will probably forever go down as an ‘Alan Hansen’ but back Everton to prop up the top three this year… Well, Sven Goran Eriksson’s managing Notts County, why the hell not?! They’ve kept a very strong basis together from last year and bear in mind over half the team was out injured for much of the campaign (they actually had to play Louis Saha!). There’s a good blend of youth and experience at Goodison and no one has really mentioned them all summer, other than the whole Lescott saga. Would he just hurry up and grab his money so we can all just get on with other things?
PREDICTION = 3RD, Why would you ever want to sit on a fence, you’ll get splinters in nasty places.
FULHAM
Fulham must now be officially battling it out with West Ham over the team that everyone wants to cuddle the most. Their style of play, their traditional ground and a manager more lovable than two polar bears frolicking on melting ice (you’ve seen the ads). They’ll never really have an impact on anything, but everyone likes to know they’re still about, getting on with their mid table business, worrying about issues such as Bobby Zamora’s big transfer to Hull. They’ll do great in Europe this year, and will surprise a lot of European giants whilst their league form may not suffer as much as everyone fears.
PREDICTION = 9TH, Awwwww Fulham.
If you had to hug one team, it’d be Fulham
HULL CITY
Seeing Phil Brown singing ‘take me home’ like a drunken karaoke yob after Hull stayed up on the final day, despite desperately trying not to, was indication of what awaited this season. Relegation. Their summer signings have done little to sway opinion. They recently snapped up a Countdown conundrum from Stoke (Ajufbbeejddllllvvaaj) and were actively chasing Bobby Zamora.. who they couldn’t convince to come… nothing more needs to be said. Do you know that feeling when you look up and see a massive bird s** heading your way? That will be Hull’s season.
PREDICTION = 20TH, Wonder what Phil Brown will be singing next summer, in the job centre queue.
LIVERPOOL
Be honest, did anyone ever see Glen Johnson as an 18 million landmark signing? Remember when Shearer cost 15? That’ll buy you Darren Bent these days. Darren Bent. Still Liverpool are ready, and as many fans argued last year, if it wasn’t for one team being better than them they’d be Premier League champions right now. This season will be different, they’re certainly no better but Man United are worse (possibly) so as long as they remember exactly how they did everything last time around, they should be fine. That’s just science.
PREDICTION = 1ST, Remember that champagne you put on ice after Michael Thomas scored in the last minute? Could finally be the time… Oh wait, it’s Liverpool though, I meant Cava.
MANCHESTER CITY
So the little kid wants to play with the big boys? Man City are like that friend you had that no one really liked but had a big house you could hold parties at. Everyone wants to watch everything they own get trashed, and then maybe feel up their sister in the cupboard, just to rub it in. There will be tantrums, bust ups and plenty of drama along the way but they still haven’t signed anyone who makes them genuine title contenders. They’ve plucked a couple from big teams, but when you look at the first team it still only says 5th place max. And they still have Richard Dunne. Talk about strapping an anchor to your feet.
PREDICTION = 7TH, Still, they’ll all be happy with Europa league football in a year, right?
MANCHESTER UNITED
People have been quick to jump on Michael Owen’s back but let’s not forget Manchester United won a treble with Andy Cole up front. Owen will be a great signing, even if he is dreaming of race horses when Giggs and Valencia use his head as a target to deflect balls into the goal. Yes Tevez and Ronaldo have gone but it’s not like United are short of replacements. Nani has to be better this year (he can’t possibly be worse) and with a rock solid back line it’s still gonna take a heck of a lot to beat them. For some reason though, I can just see them getting pipped on the line this year in what Owen would recognise as a photo finish.
PREDICTION = 2ND, A disappointing season then, finishing second one year out of 4 is tough for the best of us.
PORTSMOUTH
Frederic Piquionne, Nuno Assis… Is Alan Perrin back? He did a good job didn’t he? So these new signings should bode well for the coming season at Fratton park. One word sums up Portsmouth, stuffed. Someone has finally clicked that Harry Redknapp is exceptionally good at fixing large figures and Portsmouth are in actual fact not a very big team. All the players have seemingly realized this as well and Portsmouth have been left with a very ordinary looking team. At least they might get another match with Southampton soon.
PREDICTION = 19TH, and then absolutely everyone will leave, the games up. Turn off the lights on the way out.
STOKE CITY
Despite what people say, it’s never healthy to rely on Rory Delap and to be fair they were a far better outfit than people gave them credit for last year. Second season syndrome is likely to kick in though and it’s going to take a real battle to maintain Premier League status again. They’ve maybe got just about enough now, and for some reason people in Stoke appear to be very very loud, which will really help in the big crunch games. Which is good, seeing as players Like Dave Kitson will not.
PREDICTION = 17TH, One more season of getting lots and lots of money before they finally have to accept they really should be playing Scunthorpe.
SUNDERLAND
Does Steve Bruce live at Burger King? Or does he just get puffier jackets at each new club? You can’t argue he knows what he’s doing though, even if he has signed Darren Bent. His Premiership experience, mixed with a good solid squad at Sunderland should provide a safe season in mid table. They can’t really go wrong this year, seeing as wherever they finish will be higher than Newcastle. Seeing as the pressure is well and truly off, they could be in for a good cup run of sorts. There’s a sneaky little bet worth taking… Here’s one to avoid, Bent to be Premiership top scorer, but of course you knew that already.
PREDICTION = 10TH, Darren Bent is rubbish, just in case you didn’t get it.
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR
Having sold all of their strikers at the beginning of last season, Spurs have discovered that forwards are actually quite handy for scoring goals so have bought them all back again. Plus they’ve added several more just to be on the safe side. Kyle Naughton and Sebastian Bassong will be good signings in time and Tom Huddlestone and Luka Modric should really come on this year in midfield. It could be a frustrating season seeing as how many teams will be battling for top spots but the football at White Hart Lane should be back to it’s entertaining best. Watching David Bentley sit on the bench all day is almost worth the entrance fee alone.
PREDICTION = 6TH, will at least take the moral victory over Man City, which at the end of the day, is just what a chairman splashing lots of money around dreams of.
It must be hard being David Bentley, but it’s dead easy to laugh at him.
WEST HAM UNITED
Zola just feels like one of those managers who things go for, the opposite of Iain Dowie if you like. This can only mean another steady season for West Ham with perhaps some big scalps and back and forth epic encounters for the cameras. Now that Lucas Neil’s gone they are so much easier to like and no one would begrudge them another top half finish although they may well just fall short this time around.
PREDICTION = 11TH, let the battle for fluffiness with Fulham commence.
WIGAN ATHLETIC
Wigan seem to have forgotten just how much of an attractive club they should be. Sooner or later someone is going to have to change the name to something cooler, like Athletico Del Notsalford FC. with a stylish manager who loves attractive players, and young talent being drafted from all corners of the globe, you feel like Wigan spend each and everyday training on a beach with shirts off for goalposts and volleyball nets on the half way line. Never actually go to Wigan and you live happily with this illusion forever.
PREDICTION = 12TH, OLE
WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS
Mick McCarthy, the one sober Irishman who looks more p***** than the rest of them. No one will ever forget the infamous ‘we don’t need points’ season with Sunderland but McCarthy and Wolves could well be a surprise package this year. Some of their summer signings appear weak (let’s sign all those Reading players who got relegated last year, that should work) but they have the basis of a good squad and confidence should be fairly high after running away with the Championship, that league that’s pretty much just as good as the Premier league.
PREDICTION = 13TH, Look out for pundits using the phrase, “Mick McCarthy, most under rated manager in the league” because it will happen almost weekly.