Welcome back to Dr Magicsponge’s office. Come in, sit down and take your pants off… just kidding, my little way of calming the nerves. You don’t mind if I take mine of though do you? With that in mind, time to get the massaging oil and treat those footballing aches and pains.
This week, a rather disillusioned multi, multi billionaire. Cor blimey I hear you say, but doesn’t money solve everything? Read on:
Greetings Dr Magicsponge,
I appear to have a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a very, very rich man. The kind of rich man that is so outrageously rich that I can leave at least two buttons of my shirt undone and expose everyone to my extremely bushy (and extremely warming) bundles of chest hair without anyone disowning me. For example, if you do not answer my query to my satisfaction, I could hire at least 10 hit men and then make a big Hollywood blockbuster about their race to find you first and bring me back your head on a stick – perhaps Harrison Ford could star? – and even after that, I probably wouldn’t even notice that any money was actually missing at all.
Anyway, don’t let that put pressure on your response, here’s the issue. My wealthy and sexy friends told me that buying a Football club was the new thing, more satisfying than building a swimming pool the size of Italy in my back garden, and more social than starting my very own playboy mansion (although I must state now, that still seems more appealing to me).
But I did what they said and bought a Premier League thing but imagine my disgust when I find out it’s located in Portsmouth! And far from the corporate pampering and sexy time I was promised, I turn up to some s**** stadia propped up by old shopping trolleys and have to sit and listen to a man with a giant cowbell banging away for 2 f***** hours. What’s worse is, I told my manager to get me a ‘landmark’ signing to announce my arrival and he comes back with Michael f***** Brown. I’m no football expert, but the guy’s cross eyed for crying out loud!
Please advise appropriately… and remember, I’m filthy rich and will kill you if you fail to satisfy me…
Are you threatening Dr Magicsponge? Just bring it son, hire all the s****** hitmen you can find, I’ll even post you my address and what time I’m normally in. Be assured, you’ll be wasting your money. You’ll be calling them all frantically, wondering why no one is picking up the phone only for Dr Magicsponge to answer, after I’ve finished going Jean-Claude Van Damme on those f***** and retort with some quality one liner like ‘you picked the wrong number to dial with richie.’
And to answer your query, Portsmouth?… Portsmouth?! Just cause your stinking rich doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check contracts anymore. You might as well invest in Icelandic banks! There’s plenty of s*** teams left to buy: Stoke, Wigan, Blackburn, even bloody Hull City! Why on earth would you buy Portsmouth? Sounds to me like your ample chest hair and desire to make c*** sounding Hollywood blockbusters (Harrison Ford is dead you moron) are about to bite you right on the a***.
You probably won’t like this advice but someone needs to give you some tough love. Give your money to charity, or someone else who can actually handle it, because I wouldn’t even trust you with a tenner to nip down the shops and buy Dr Magicsponge a good pack of beers. Don’t tell me, you’d come back with Stella wouldn’t you?
Tell your friends the door’s unlocked, and to bring a change of nappies. They’ll s*** themselves when they see what’s in store for them.
All the best
Arsene Wenger has hit out at Manchester United after Arsenal’s narrow defeat at Old Trafford accusing the club of destroying football, causing the globe’s financial meltdown and ruining the ending to the Sixth Sense.
Wenger, known for his charismatic grace in defeat, said it had nothing to do with the fact his team were unlucky to come away with nothing from Saturdays clash insisting that Manchester United were simply ‘the anti-Christ.’
‘You know when you get an itch on your back and you can’t quite reach it? That is Man Utd. They dink cars and don’t leave notes, they talk loudly in cinemas and most annoyingly of all they call you at dinner time asking if you’d be interested in a quote for your double glazing. All I’m saying is that, if we don’t exterminate Manchester United, your lives will suck forever.’
The Frenchmen has been caught on Old Trafford surveillance video cameras urinating on Sir Alex Ferguson’s bonnet and leaving a flaming bag of dog s*** at the doors of reception. He was then spotted running to the exit gates shouting ‘viva la France!’
The DA rounds up the weekend’s action by checking up on some the star’s Facebook statuses:
Rafa Benetiz omg. was bricking it there for a moment!
Eduardo just fell into the bath again, how embarassin, lol
Joleon Lescott had to put a butler down it’s ok though, I have 5 more
Tuncay Sanli should really check who he’s signing for before finishing paperwork.
Alou Diaby is going to work on heading forwards today
Arsene Wenger wants to punch someone in the face… I’ve had enough of this s***
Dave Kitson just did something you would not believe!
The DA is pleased to once again welcome back our very own faith healer, able to read the future using super human powers that none of you pathetic mortals posses. He prefers to remain anonymous, so as not to upset the spirits. With that in mind you should know, it’s definitely not Glenn Hoddle. His identity has been protected in this article using clever mind tricks that you wouldn’t understand:
Greetings plebeians! Hlenn Goddle here, all set to re-cast my all-seeing ‘third eye’ over the footballing week’s most shocking events, whilst simultaneously continuing to subtly belittle the common man i.e. you. This week has seen football hooliganism once again rear its ugly, shaven head as Millwall and West Ham fans clashed before, during and after the two team’s mid-week League Cup tie (luckily for Hlenn Goddle, mere bricks and bottles cannot penetrate my immense personal aura…also studio glass adds a much appreciated extra layer of protection).
However, even the shameful events of Tuesday night were no match for the most incredible deal of the transfer window (and no, I’m not talking about Richard Offiong’s stunning £75k move form Hamilton to Carlisle, who’s supposed to be the mind reader here, you or me!?) This week I shall examine the phenomenal decision by commanding ex- Tottenham, Arsenal and Portsmouth centre-back Sol Campbell to move to League Two leaders Notts County and, more importantly, how yours truly came to foresee these very events.
Last weekend, as I sat meditating in my garden surrounded by the sounds of nature and my own vegan-induced flatulence, I suddenly became aware of a host of numbers swirling around my person. It was a bit like that film, The Beautiful Mind, although far cooler and without all that Russell Crowe noise. Anyway, two digits kept assaulting my senses – the numbers 2 and 3. It was as if my visions had entered into a Sesame Street-style numerical sponsorship deal with the aforementioned figures. “Ok” I thought, “stay calm Hlenn, what does this mean?” I trawled through newspaper back pages, frenziedly searching for those mythical numbers.
As I scanned over one paper’s ‘Joke of the Day’ feature, I suddenly locked eyes with the man-mountain himself, Sulzeer Jeremiah Campbell. Now, I’d first met Sol during my England days. I remember mopping up his tears after the Argentina game, so disappointed was he that his late header had been disallowed (Shearer just stood in the corner, gloating about the foul that cost us the goal, “Did you see that c*** I caught with me elbow man, priceless.”) In 2001, as I took over management of Tottenham Hotspur, all of my efforts went into trying to keep Campbell at the club, alas to no avail (I’m not a bitter man).
So, I began to implement the numbers the spirits had gifted me. The number 2 has been prevalent in Sol’s career: His debut was in 1992, in a 2-1 defeat, he scored merely 2 goals at both Portsmouth and U21 level, his towering frame comes in at 6ft 2” etc. So what about the 3? Up to this point Sol had been at 3 senior clubs, he was now in his 3rd decade of his spiritual journey, and it is widely known that he is the owner of 3 testicles. It was all beginning to make sense and the two mythical digits even began to merge. Sol’s age during my finest hour, World Cup 98 – 23; His squad number at Tottenham, Arsenal and Portsmouth – 23! Astounding, I think you’ll agree! The number 23 surely held the key.
As I began to read the rest of the ‘Joke of the Day’ column, it appeared that the bumbling journalist had heard a rumor that Notts County’s new Director of Football Sven Goran Eriksson (viewed by many as the best England manager since Hlenn Goddle: Now I’m not a bitter man but that’s b*******!) had been linked with a move for the unattached Campbell. Naturally, to the ignorant writer this was the funniest thing he had heard since Chris Kamara last opened his mouth. But your man Hlenn Goddle saw the truth. Now, Notts County currently lie in League Two. The last time the club won a League with a 2 in it was as champions of Division 2 (I know that’s equivalent of League One, but I don’t care. You’re angering me and you’re angering the spirits!). And the year that County won that title – 1923! Then on Thursday, Sol signs for County, surely securing the team’s promotion from League Two. The squad number he chose – 32…hmmm. Oh well, I was close.
Anyway, he always was an irrational individual; I mean who would run off to Arsenal just after the legendary Goddle takes charge of Spurs? Is the man stupid? I mean, I’m not a bitter man but what a f****** Judas! (Phew, calm thoughts Hlenn, exhale, inhale….). So that, mere mortals, is why Sol Campbell went to Notts County…that or he realised he had become too old and too sh*t for the Premiership and County were the only club willing to pay his ridiculous wage demands. You say tomato…
BLACKBURN V WEST HAM
SCORE – 2-2
MOST LIKELY – Blackburn scoring more than one goal in a game may seem a little on the crazy side but West Ham will surely be tired from all that fighting? Don’t expect any pitch invasions here though, and even if there was one, Blackburn only average about 15 people most weeks anyway, so the stewards will out number them pretty quickly.
BOLTON V LIVERPOOL
MOST LIKELY – It’s a little harsh writing off a title challenge before September, it’s a bit like writing off a car just because the radio doesn’t get good signal anymore. That being said, Liverpool shouldn’t really slip up too many more times, especially at Bolton, cause that would just be embarrassing.
CHELSEA V BURNLEY
MOST LIKELY – Burnley are on a roll… that’s right they’ve won 2 games 1-0 on the bounce! Hull must be so jealous, they’re years away from that kind of progress. Still, Chelsea will prove a step too far, as they always do, because they’re just so damn boring. Expect scorers to be Drogba, Lampard and yadadayadayada, it’s dull just talking about them.
MAN UTD V ARSENAL
MOST LIKELY – Incredibly hard to call this one, but one thing is certain, if one manager isn’t moaning about a ‘game changing decision’ during the post match interview then the afternoon will have been a complete waste of time. I’ve got my money on it being a throw in that ‘never was’ after 5 minutes, that leads to a ten minute passing spell before a counter attack resulting in the back of the net bulging… The question of throw in technology will be rife once more.
STOKE V SUNDERLAND
MOST LIKELY – Talking of throw ins, expect Robert Huth to be the Premier League’s top scorer this year now he’s signed for Stoke. Providing he comes up for every long throw he should average roughly 4 goals a game. Infact Stoke for the champions league is not a bad shout. Even if Huth inexplicably misses a header, Tuncay will be there now to tap in the rebound. Who needs an Arab billionaire when you’ve got Rory Delap?
TOTTENHAM V BIRMINGHAM
MOST LIKELY – I can see Tottenham making hard work of this, god knows why, it is only Birmingham after all. But whilst the entertainment value at St Andrews has forced many fans into buying a season ticket at B&Q instead, they do still run around a lot, which I can imagine to be fairly annoying for the opposing team waiting to beat them.
WOLVES V HULL
MOST LIKELY – This game will be an eye sore, not because of the action but because every s***** fan in the ground will be wearing a bright orange kit, the players don’t have a chance of seeing anything, hence why Wolves will score four. I know what your thinking, if that’s the case why won’t Hull score four?… Well, it’s because they’re s***.
ASTON VILLA V FULHAM
MOST LIKELY – Who saw Villa being knocked out of the Europa League before they’d even started? You could say they’ll forever regret that one night in Vienna…. get it? Huh? You see what I did… Yeah, that was poor… awww Fulham.
EVERTON V WIGAN
MOST LIKLEY – Martinez looked p***** after losing to Blackpool, as any respectable man would do, and Wigan will probably be looking to make amends. Everton have been quick to replace the guy that used to play on the edge of their box but ran towards loads of money and that bodes well for their season. Whilst Distin is no 22 million player, he most certainly would be if he went to Man City.
PORTSMOUTH V MAN CITY
MOST LIKELY – Ah the shanty that is Fratton park, Robinho will be probably try and play with a tin can. Having finally been snapped up (apparently for the whopping price tag of 4 million pounds…that’s right 12 whole million less than Darren Bent…) Portsmouth will be out to impress. But they shouldn’t beat Man City. I’m no expert but £4million v £168million doesn’t match up very well. Although I never was very good at maths.
Uefa president Michel Platini hailed the draw of the Champions League group stage as a complete success after confusing the hell out of absolutely everybody for the fifth year running. A survey of club officials held after the game revealed no one was completely sure of exactly who they were playing, although a Liverpool spokesmen did confess he was ‘fairly sure Romania was mentioned somewhere along the line.’
Platini gloated ‘it is credit to our clueless presenters and guest stars that they can all act so completely oblivious to everything and still convince everybody that the draw has finished. I noticed half the crowd were so baffled they just started doodling on their UEFA provided notepads, Peter Kenyon showed me his wonderful animation of a giant d*** afterwards, he’d really got it spot on.’
Dennis Law, presenter of the ‘forward of the year’ award confessed ‘all I know is that someone promised me a beer, and told me it was through that curtain over there. The next thing I know I’m surrounded by enough pots of balls to draw the FA cup for a good ten years! And I still haven’t got my s****** beer. Non of this even matters anyway, here’s the last eight: Man Utd, Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal, Barcelona, Real Madrid, Inter and AC. Let’s save everyone some time shall we?’
The DA’s Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Well, it’s been a strange old week in the world of football. Violent clashes between English fans (West Ham vs. Millwall, tut tut), Premiership stars selling their souls for big-money moves (young Joleon and the not-so-young Sol) and Newcastle United currently enjoying a four match unbeaten run in the Coca-Cola Championship. Ok, so the first two aren’t really that surprising. Firstly, you’re always going to get brain-dead idiots running around, kicking the sh*t out of each other because they want to imitate “that hobbit fella wot’s in Green Street” or the world’s only known single-celled actor, Danny Dyer of The Football Factory fame (shooting on the film was reportedly delayed for a month due to the fact that Mr. Dyer could not grasp the concept of acting the ‘role’ of a complete t***, rather than just playing himself). Secondly, Lescott and Campbell’s obviously cash-orientated moves (albeit at slightly different levels of the game) were about as well-disguised as a swimsuit-clad Frank Ribery at a Miss France audition (desperately attempting to hide from Chelsea’s Peter Kenyon, no doubt).
This week’s competition: find the brain cell
For this football fan, the ‘genuine’ shock of the past seven days has come from the Toon Army’s ability to go through a whole week without selling anyone (God bless that man Steven Taylor) as well as producing yet another solid Championship performance, this time against Neil Warnock’s Crystal Palace side. Kevin Nolan’s first goal for the Magpies was followed by a sublime Ryan Taylor curler as Newcastle earned a 2-0 victory over the Eagles. Palace manager Neil Warnock was so despondent after the result that he reportedly declined his traditional weekly plate of ‘chewing’ nettles covered in wasp stings. Mrs. Warnock later went on record stating, “I hardly recognised Neil when he returned home. He’s worn that contorted face of rage and injustice since our wedding night, but after the Newcastle game he just looked empty inside.”
Wednesday offered a welcome distraction from takeover talks and questions of whether Shola Ameobi is or isn’t on performance boosting drugs (gender test anyone?), with St James’ Park welcoming Huddersfield and the magic of the League Cup. Ah, the League Cup or the ‘Newcastlegetintothethirdroundandendupgettingknockedoutbyaresenalormanunited Cup’ as I like to refer to it. However, I have convinced myself this year will be different; As long as we avoid any Premiership teams, most of the better teams in the Championship and, of course, the ‘Galácticos’ of Notts County, Newcastle will definitely win it. The ‘pulsating’ (thanks BBC Sport) seven goal thriller against Huddersfield, with Nolan once again taking central stage as he scored a crucial 84 minute winner, is clearly the second prestigious step in our unstoppable march to Wembley (even if we did concede three goals to League One opposition, woops!).
However, this year’s League Cup hasn’t been kind to everyone. Spare a thought for poor old Francis Jeffers, placed on the transfer list as a punishment for violent conduct by his current employer Sheffield Wednesday after he head-butted Port Vale’s Tommy Fraser during the two club’s Tuesday fixture. Echoes of Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup final, perhaps? Well no, not really, as Zidane was one of the greatest players ever to have graced a football pitch, whereas Francis Jeffers is about as skilful as a pickled testicle.
Jeffers looked on with regret as he realised he should have won a world cup before head-butting someone
Now, what’s the only thing better than a Bank Holiday Monday? A Bank Holiday Monday Newcastle United vs. Leicester City fixture of course (honestly, you should have known that one!). I’ve actually done my homework with Leicester and having watched the odd game last season with a friend who’s a Fox fan, I can safely call myself an expert on the club. For one, I have deduced that Lineker’s probably not playing anymore because of his commitments to that little-known football highlight show (‘Match of the’ something). Also, legendary defender Matt Elliott is probably unavailable due to imprisonment, the poor guy most likely accused of killing a man just by looking at him. So who do they have? Well, the current gaffer Nigel Pearson was Newcastle’s previous No.2, responsible for masterminding the incredible 6-0 defeat to Manchester United last season during his time as caretaker manager. Leicester’s sack-happy chairman Milan Mandaric was obviously impressed with how Pearson expertly kept his opponents within a mere six goal reach, hoping for a late comeback that, alas, never transpired. Leicester also had one of England’s most promising young defenders in the form of Joe Mattock. Unfortunately for City, the lure of enduring an endless Groundhog Day-style cycle of promotion/relegation with the ‘boing-boing’ Baggies of West Brom was clearly too tempting for Mattock to turn down.
However, even with Mattock’s departure Leicester still look like being one of the Championships’s better teams as they sit just outside the playoff places with 8 points out of a possible 12. Their strength lies in attack with two quick, skilful wingers in the form of Lloyd Dyer (no relation to Danny, thankfully) and the young Ivorian Max Gradel. Also, the Foxes are almost guaranteed a successful season if they can keep hold of forward pair Matty Fryatt (with 27 goals in 42 League One appearances last season) and the Spartan-like Steve Howard. Along with the likes of West Brom, Cardiff, Sheffield United and possibly Preston, Leicester should prove to be one of the tougher teams to play this year. “Hang on a minute…” you may be thinking, “…isn’t he missing someone out?”. “Yes…” I would reply, “…good observation, you’ve more than made amends for your earlier ‘Bank Holiday’ blunder”. For this Toon fan, I cannot seriously consider the two Middlesbrough fixtures as tough propositions whilst Alan ‘Southgate’ Partridge remains manager. He may have had his own TV chat show, Radio Norwich slot and military-based cable TV quiz show ingeniously titled Skirmish, but a successful football manager Southgate aint! If any proof was needed regarding the man’s lack of managerial nous, just take a look at the video below, where beleaguered Southgate ends up being the object of ridicule for both Ian ‘Chicken Tonight’ Wright and Ray ‘my wife’s cleaned me out’ Parlour. Poor b******!
Goodbye for another week, c’mon the Toon!
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was accused of playing ‘dirty Jedi mind tricks’ on reporters last night after not only admitting to seeing an incident, but also defying the word ‘answer’ by saying lots of different sentences in no particular order.
Wenger was asked to give his opinion on whether he agreed with striker Eduardo’s decision to fall to the floor like a forty stone anchor after being tickled by a very small feather on his upper left thigh to which the Frenchman concluded ‘did I see the incident? Yes. Did Napoleon joust with his left hand? I’m not so sure. What is certain is that I definitely do not know if in my opinion the answer to many questions that you may or may not have asked is possibly sometimes yes and possibly sometimes no.’
ITV reporter Ned Boulting was left crying uncrontrollably and calling for his mummy before finally being put out of his misery when his mind caved and imploded inside his skull. Wenger reportedly smiled before muttering ‘those were not the druids you were looking for’ whilst hovering back to the dressing room.
The FA have voiced their shock and dismay at crowd trouble that marred last night’s Carling Cup tie between West Ham and Millwall saying ‘they really couldn’t have possibly seen it coming… not even a teeny, tiny bit.’
East London was filled with violent fighting and fire starting as well as aggressive verbal stand offs with police, and local residents said the arrival of Millwall supporters made it even worse. West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola said the incidents were ‘outrageous, shocking and quite simply abysmal’ whilst Millwall manager Kenny Jackett responded ‘what? You thought that was bad you should’ve seen us at Leeds!’
An FA spokesmen has admitted that lessons need to be learnt. ‘We won’t make the same mistake again. I’ve think we’ve finally got the message that violent mob plus violent mob equals a bit of a problem. If this happens in a cup draw situation again, what we’ll do is pop the Millwall ball back into the bag and wait for a nice club like Yeovil to come out.’
Officials have ruled out a replay despite the fact that no one can actually remember the outcome of the match.
Sol Campbell will today complete a sensational move to league two Notts County in a deal which will see him earn more money than the gross national income of Belgium. Campbell has reiterated his desire to buy Cuba and launch a gold plated shuttle to Mars before 2012.
County’s director of football Sven Goran Eriksson insisted the former England centre back’s demands had not been too great. “He’s a very humble man. He has told me he is just happy to play for the fun, providing we build a 60 foot statue in the centre of Nottingham, call him Sir at all times and get the youth team to fan him down with giant palm leaves whilst feeding him grapes and massaging his feet.’
‘We’ve made some extra space in the car park so his Ferrari has no chance of being dinked by Luke Rodgers’ old Vauxhall Corsa and granted permission for him to declare national holiday at his pleasing.
When questioned about away trips to Acrrington and Morecambe the defender said ‘my only concern is drowning in my own money on the way there.’