The DA

RELEGATED West Bromwich Albion have promised their fans a swift return to the Premier league so that they can resume getting thumped and finishing bottom like a truly successful team. Tony Mowbray last night told supporters they could look forward to seeing gaping defensive holes being breached endlessly by the best in the business again within a year.

‘We’re a bit like a boxer who doesn’t get the hint. We get knocked down constantly by the best fighters in the world but then make ourselves feel better by beating some one armed amateurs for a while before going again. Right now I’d say we’ve had our nose broken in about fifteen different places.’

Meanwhile West Brom striker Roman Bednar has been suspended by the club after being caught purchasing cocaine and cannabis just hours after a game. Bednar has pleaded his innocence commenting ‘the drugs weren’t for me, honest. I sell them onto school children for s*** loads of money…What’s wrong with that?’

THE UK threat level has been raised to ‘redder than Dave Kitson‘ in preparation for tonight’s crucial playoff second league between Leeds United and Millwall. SWAT teams, army regiments and the entire population of North Korea have been flown in with the intent of having a ‘good old fashioned dust up.’

The Elland road family stand will be providing fifteen foot lengths of bubble wrap for optional protection whilst refreshment outlets have made way for temporary hospital units and a court house judge, saving valuable tax payers money by presiding over events live.

A park and ride has been set up directly from the ground straight to local prison establishments and all fans with a hair grade lower than 4 are likely to be pepper sprayed on site as a precaution. A statement on the official Leeds United website read ‘enjoy the match everyone! It could well be your last!’

FIGURES published by the football league have revealed that you can claim anything you want to by manipulating some crazy numbers and smiling moronically. Despite a season of increasingly empty stadiums and extortionate ticket prices forcing people away from grounds, attendances are magically on the increase. A spokesman for the league was overjoyed by the b****** they had managed to tinker with.

‘We worked long and hard but these figures are pay off for all that effort making up c*** long into the night. See, what we did in the end was compare the stats of league one and two attendances to those of the lower leagues in Germany, Italy and France. But the great thing is their league system doesn’t go that low so it’s just like comparing Bradford to The Nags Head. Easy huh?’

He continued ‘I can make up anything me. Did you know that 2+2 equals 6… See!’
The football league also intends to prove that pies sold at Rochdale’s Spotlands stadium are ‘Michelin star’ worthy and that the entire Dagenham and Redbridge squad are descendants of Jesus Christ.

TOTTENHAM manager Harry Redknapp has declared a ban on all alcohol products and has demanded players hand over their drink supply, especially bottles of vintage Italian red, to his office by five o clock on Friday. The Spurs boss said he would dispense of the alcohol ‘personally’ to insure no more incidents such as the Ledley King night club fiasco.

The ban has already had a knock on affect around the club, with Luka Modric being forced to give up his alcohol based make up remover and Jermain Defoe finding it impossible to attract women without his liquid wing man.

In a bid to raise funds for next season West Ham officials are rumoured to have opened several ’speakeasies’ for the Tottenham players and clients have apparently already included David Bentley, Gareth Bale and Tom Huddlestone. A statement on Bentley’s personal website read ‘I thought a speak easy was somewhere to impruv me gramma innit, but turns out u just get as pissed as a fan who findz out I get £80,000 a week for doing f*** all, cheerz.’

ARSENAL football club have posted a job advertisement on their official website for a ‘Senior buyer’ after it was revealed Arsene Wenger simply doesn’t understand the currency system. In an interview following the 4-1 home defeat against Chelsea the Gunners boss said ‘So how does this money thing work, you give someone these little bits of paper and they give you something in return? That’s crazy!’

The online ad explains how the right candidate should be ’someone who can blow s*** loads of money in no time at all. You’ll ideally be the type of person who goes to a shop to buy milk and ends up buying a 32 inch plasma screen for the kitchen. You’ll have a keen eye for rip offs and seeing players such as Titus Bramble will give you the urge to splash out over 30 million without a single hesitation.’

Wenger seemed confused at the idea of a ‘transfer’ commenting ‘I’ve always grown my players from a test tube, how else would you do it? It’s not like there’s players just running around in fantasy leagues all over Europe ready to fill the gap. I have a brick s*** house of a centre half in development, he should be ready in about fifteen years, so start buying his shirts now.’

MICHEL Platini has launched an online campaign to conjure up a suitable punishment for Chelsea front man Didier Drogba after the striker uncovered Platini’s fool proof plan of match fixing English teams out of Europe.

The UEFA website is hosting a competition in which residents of Europe (excluding England) can write in their disciplinary suggestions with the winner getting a free homing missile to aim at any British city they want.

Platini proudly boasted ‘this is the first of it’s kind. At UEFA we’ve always despised the UK but our missile technology has taken a while to develop. It is just a shame Manchester United beat us to the final, otherwise it could have been something great like Lyon V Barcelona, what might of been ey!’

So far suggestions for Drogba’s punishment have included sharing a bath with Iain Dowie, working as an official in Norway or signing for Manchester City. Drogba made a brief statement declaring each option ‘equally cruel.’

THE whole of Europe took a liking to Chelsea last night after they bowed out of the Champions league semi final with grace and class. Lesser teams would have been sure to blame defeat on bad officiating or crazy conspiracy theories but the Stamford bridge players refused to be fazed by the loss.

John Terry, who smoked a pipe and smiled charmingly during his post match interview said ‘Barcelona played some bloody marvellous stuff didn’t they? The better team won so we’ll just have to take it on the chin like professionals and prepare for next time, righto.’

Blues forward Didier Drogba also took the defeat in style. ‘Ok, so pieces of roadkill could probably have given those penalties, but we can’t go round blaming others now can we? I missed some great chances so really, when you look at it, it’s all my fault. Sorry chaps.’

UEFA president Michel Platini today rewarded last nights officials with a whopping one million pound bonus for putting in such a good shift. Chelsea manager Gus Hiddink said it was well deserved. ‘To come all the way from Norway was a great effort. I’ve bought a box of Quality Streets for them all and I’ll send those out in the next couple of days. Aren’t people great?’

A 25 year old man, who reportedly spent 7 hours a day on Facebook updating an unofficial Cristiano Ronaldo fan group, has lost his livelihood after website officials deemed that no one really likes Cristiano Ronaldo.

Suspicions were raised when figures suggested almost 3 million fans were regularly viewing the group, which sparked fears the page either contained crude pornography or a live feed of someone continually kicking the Manchester United star in the groin.

Page owner Kunwar Ali, a resident of Pakistan cried ‘it was awful. I woke up, thought straight away of Cristiano and went to write my thoughts down. When I realized everything had gone I dived to the floor screaming in agony, it was like I had tripped over my own feet in the penalty box.’

Ali added ‘its strange really because they didn’t shut down my Darren Fletcher group. The four members were so relieved.’

THE Daily Akinbiyi can today exclusively reveal that Joey Barton is a mentalist, violent criminal who has the intelligence of a cheese grater and should and would be behind bars were it not for being slightly OK at football.

The Newcastle psychopath once again misplaced his temper on Saturday and was sent off after a two footed lunge on Liverpool’s Xabi Alonso. Barton insisted the tackle wasn’t malicious claiming ‘did you see a fire arm? Did you? No you f***** didn’t… What you looking at?’

Barton also criticised Shearer’s man management ability adding ‘what kind of stupid s*** puts his trust in me? The guy’s obviously a nutter.’ Barton is now suspended until the end of the season and is likely to spend his summer picking fights with Mancunians and headbutting street signs.

For the safety of the Daily Akinbiyi team, please no one tell him about this.

A poll conducted by the FA has revealed that 74% of English league clubs think the term ‘administration’ is merely a buzz word that ‘cool clubs use to get publicity.’ The results follow the news that Stockport County are to become the latest trend followers to try the fad.

Next season will see all 72 clubs start on minus 10 points with a minus 20 penalty being handed out on special request. Those wishing to make s*** loads of money from one off ‘fundraising‘ games, featuring has been stars embarrassingly trying to fit back into football shorts, will have to provide a graph with a giant arrow pointing steeply downwards.

An FA spokesperson commented ‘It’s like a Hollywood film really. If your someone like Rotherham it’s a good idea to try and make things a bit more interesting. Take Rocky for example, he never fought on a level playing field, and he’s doing OK.’

‘Administration for most industries means your f*****, shut up shop, you’re finished. But in football terms it simply means it’s now really really crucial to get those three points away at Grimsby.’