The DA

CRISTIANO Ronaldo reportedly cried like a little baby girl and demanded his mummy after referee Claus Bo Larsen refused to take note of his theatrics last night. The Manchester United winger was clearly agitated after failing to win a free kick for an obvious collision with a reckless gust of air.

‘I tried all the usual tricks, kicking myself in the shins, grabbing my own shirt, undoing my own shoe laces, but he refused to buy any of it. Even when I tried the vintage cannonball technique followed by screaming Addrriiaaan!!! really loudly he just chuckled at me as if I was pathetic.’

Ronaldo, who recently wrote off his top of the range Ferrari after tripping over a speed bump added ‘I’ve gone back to basics for this weeks game at Middlesborough, I’ve attached some f*** off springs to the bottom of my boots and will scream topical things such as “ahhhhh swine flu!!!”. That should get people’s attention.’

ALAN Shearer was looking forward to Championship football last night after seeing his side threaten Portsmouth less than coastal erosion.
Martins, Viduka and Michaeal Owen all had half chances to win the game and Shearer believes the strikers would have made the score sheet against c***** teams.

‘All 3 strikes were about as accurate as a budget prediction but in the Championship we’ll get away with that. They’ll probably bobble off a big centre half or roll through a goalkeepers leg, maybe even take a nick of the turf. It’s going to be great!’

The Newcastle manager also revealed his excitement about the big north east derby against Doncaster. ‘This place has been crying out for a big game we can actually win for years. Sunderland and Middlesborough have proved slightly too challenging for us so Doncaster is the next logical step. If that still proves too much we’ll move onto Hartlepool. Exciting times.’

ALARM bells were ringing this morning after bookies reported that someone actually cared enough to place a bet on Grays Athletic v Forest Green Rovers. Such peculiar activity has led to leading bookmakers refusing to pay out to the sad punter who wasted minutes of his life backing a 2-1 victory for Grays.

A spokesmen at Ladbrokes commented ‘there are plenty of things to do on a Saturday, paint the fence, do some gardening, or even take the kids to the park, so why in Gods name would somebody choose to bet on such an insignificant game. The facts just don’t add up. Even Grays Athletic don’t care about Grays Athletic.’

The Gray’s Chairman has been quick to quash speculation that the bet could have come from one of his own players. ‘Why would a non league footballer, on a very small wage during an incredibly ball aching recession want to risk such a glamorous career making thousands of pounds off one simple bet? It just doesn’t make any sense.’

THE FA has revealed that Everton and Chelsea substitutes as well as physios, coaches and assistant managers will be forced to sit in the Wembley car park on cup final day, to allow club Wembley members access to the game. Goalkeepers will also be forced to make way to provide exclusive ‘goal mouth box areas’ for corporate members.

Both clubs have been allocated a record total of ten seats each for supporters whilst a further 40,000 have been provided to the black market in order to rip the p*** out of genuine fans as much as possible on the day.

An FA spokesmen said ‘today we have proved that we would rather have large wads of cash in seats than scummy supporters singing inappropriate chants. Loud singing disrupts the restaurant guests, not to mention the conference suites.’

When questioned about the state of the pitch for the final the spokesmen appeared shocked before asking ‘is there a game on?’

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling’s budget today included a bold 9 billion pound bet on Arsenal to win a league and cup double, which he hopes will help kick start the economy. Darling would be placed to win 560 billion if Arsenal delivered, a sum which would if nothing else, pay off some MP expense receipts.

Darling defended the move arguing ’some may say this is risky, but it’s no riskier than some of the other things we plough money into, at least Arsenal actually exist, and it is still mathematically possible for them to pull this off. That’s already less of a gamble than 96% of our other schemes.’

When asked what would happen if Arsenal do not produce the unlikely the Chancellor responded ‘hmmmm, there is no plan B as such, but I read something about Paddy Power refunding my bet if I get into a bath with Carlton Palmer, is that right?’

The budget also included plans to tax for use of the offside trap and a pay back clause for anyone who has ever wasted money either signing or watching Alan Smith.

SAMMY Lee once again proved to be the sharpest knife in the draw today by calling a halt on the war of words between Rafa Benitez and Sir Alex Ferguson by adding more words to the equation. Lee was quick to put an end to Ferguson’s claims that Liverpool are disrespectful by saying ‘I know you are, but what am I?’

When asked why Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez insisted on stoking flames between other clubs the Spaniard’s assistant argued ‘we don’t talk about other clubs, we get on with our own business. Unless we’re playing Everton cause they’re s***… Or Hull, how the hell are Hull in the Premiership, and don’t get me started on Fulham finishing in the top ten, what a load of c***! Craven Cottage smells.’

Lee did admit to having secret meetings with Benitez during lunch break to discuss suitable wedgie culprits and paper airplane targets. He did however indicate these meetings had stopped since a meeting with the headmaster had resorted to parents being called.

ALEX Ferguson today drafted a 29 page list siting things responsible for costing Manchester United another cup final. As well as criticising the pitch, the referee and tube station congestion for United’s exit Ferguson also claimed further obscure reasons had cost his side as apposed to his ’spot on’ team selection.

‘The recessions affecting everyone isn’t it? What was with that ending to Eastenders the other day, that seems to have shaken up the team. Don’t you hate Dale Winton?’

Ferguson went on to accuse 1980’s classics such as ‘The Goonies, Back to the Future and Ghostbusters’ for having a negative affect on several of his first team’s childhood. He went on to suggest a weak pound, the threat of climate change and the near extinction of wild Pandas may have caused a damaging distraction for his players.

THE FA has defended the decision to appoint Manchester United fan Mike Riley as this Sunday’s FA Cup semi final referee arguing that ‘all our referees support Manchester United, it makes no difference either way.’

Riley himself has sworn to call the match right down the middle and reassured Everton fans concerned by his United allegiance by saying ‘oh my god oh my god oh my god, I’m going to get to play on the same pitch as Ronaldo, do you think he’ll notice me if I give him a penalty?!’

To save confusion Mike Riley will be allowed to wear the Manchester United away shirt so not to clash with the players but Everton officials have lost an appeal for linesman to use the standard flag as apposed to a large United one bought from the club shop.

UEFA have finally buckled under pressure and agreed to make Wembley stadium the permanent venue for the Champions League Final in order to save travel time for English supporters. They have also agreed to rename the tournament the ‘UEFA CARLING CUP’ and have opened up English entrants to the top 17 finishers in the Barclays Premier League in a bid to make it more competitive.

A UEFA spokesmen said ‘it seems silly to make English fans travel all the way round Europe just to see an all English final every year, we thought about staging it at Villa Park as a neutral ground for Liverpool, Manchester, Chelsea and Arsenal and to save fixture congestion we considered just pulling two of these teams out of a hat every May to see who would play for the trophy. But in the end common sense took over and we realized there is just to much advertising money at stake to draw such inevitable conclusions.’

UEFA president Michel Platini has been reported missing since the quarter final outcomes last night with nothing but a note reading ‘I can’t take this c*** anymore’ left on his doorstep. Remnants of a burnt English flag were found scattered around his garden and an empty storage cupboard has alerted authorities to a potential garlic overdose.

CHELSEA officials are to investigate a breach in security after Didier Drogba was targeted by a trained sniper during last nights Champions league clash. Although stewards have insisted they would have spotted a gunman setting up aim towards the field of play in their scans of the ground, Drogba was clearly shot at several times during the encounter, resulting in him collapsing to the floor in a girly heap and screaming for his mummy.

Gus Hiddink condemned any fan taking matters into their own hands. ‘Look, I hate Didier as much as the next man but don’t waste good bullets on him. All you need to do is ruffle his hair, call him fat or give him a wet willy and that’s that, you’ll get just the same reaction.’

Drogba has strenuously denied claims he is over dramatic saying ‘is this a dagger I see before me, handle towards my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not and yet I see thee still.’ His agent has been quick to promote the forward’s work announcing that ‘matinee performances of ‘Le Didier’ can be seen at Stamford Bridge every Saturday from 3pm.