The DA

PORTSMOUTH striker Peter Crouch has failed a routine ‘circus midgets’ test carried out following the 2-1 win over Everton. Crouch was being controlled by a group of four performers thought to have stolen a robotic android from government test labs. The 10 foot 8 suit was originally intended for use as a modern day scarecrow on genetically modified crop fields but was reported missing several months before Crouch signed professional terms with Tottenham Hotspur in 98.

The midgets, who can not be named for legal reasons, have been held in a detention centre for further questioning. Frida Kahlo, a bearded lady from Swanage, claims to be friends with the culprits. ‘It was a quite ingenious plan. Each one of them took responsibility for a body part and they ran it like clockwork between them. They thought they’d been found out a couple of years ago when the robot malfunctioned on the pitch and they lost control of the limbs. But instead it really just shot them to further fame.‘

In a surprise move by England manager Fabio Capello; Emile Heskey, Carlton Cole and Wayne Rooney have been dropped from the recently announced international squad to allocate room for Crouch’s midget controllers. FIFA are investigating the legality of this but it is understood, should it not be allowed, that Capello will turn to Jermaine Defoe, Andy Johnson, Aaron Lennon and Shaun Wright-Phillips to take command of the machine for the Slovakia game.

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