The DA

NEWCASTLE United forward Michael Owen looks set for a treatment bed transfer this summer after the magpies coaching staff left the striker out of the squad to play against Arsenal at St James park this evening. Owen claimed to be ‘raring to go’ but on doctors advice the decision was made not to risk him due to a “creaky wheel’ on the left hand side of his bed and ’signs of wear and tear towards the upper cushion.’

Owen is thought to be furious and is now likely to go private. A close friend of the former Liverpool hit man admitted ‘Michael is gutted the bed hasn’t past inspection. He felt he’d put enough oil around the wheel to see it through ninety minutes. He’s now considering his next move, which is certain to result in a small tweak or pull.’

Arsenal sport injury clinic, Manchester A&E and Liverpool recovery unit have all shown an interest in the player whose career highlights include an FA Cup winners medal and a golden crutch for dedicated service to the NHS.

Owen was unavailable for comment outside of visiting hours but it was reported he bought a MARS bar from the hospital vending machine this morning before pulling up with a wrist strain.

JOURNALISTS and football pundits alike were today circulating rumours of a shock return to football for the 41 year old Paul Gascoigne. Mumblings started at approximately 3pm on Friday afternoon as stunned tabloids discovered there was no current playing professional left to link with Manchester City on the weekend back pages.

Others stories doing the rounds include a £300 million pound swoop for Des Walker, a pay as you play deal with Pele’s right leg and a straight swap between Richard Dunne and Striker, the dog mascot from World cup 94.

Manchester City have refused to comment on most of the speculation but have said they would consider any deal involving Richard Dunne being as far away from Manchester as possible. When asked to make a statement about Paul Gascoigne, City manager Mark Hughes said ‘why not? At the moment team bonding tends to involve Robinho drinking a couple of WKD’s before passing out in Shaun Wright Phillip’s garden playhouse, Gazza could change that.’

The Daily Mirror is pleading for football fans to come forward with any names they might have overlooked. The chief editor Richard Wallace has launched a web based campaign to track down player names. ‘We’ll consider anything. Except Titus Bramble, no one’s going to believe that one.’

THE traditional cup draw process is being examined by FIFA after yet another pot was tampered with by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich. After the quarter final draw for the champions league, held in Switzerland this morning, suspicions were raised when it became apparent Steven Gerrard was set to make a landmark 5ooth appearance in a Liverpool Chelsea encounter.

It is thought Abramovich used magnetic forces to keep the pair together during the proceedings, due to his well known love of trips to Anfield, where the barrage of red reminds him of Russian glory days and lax, zonal monitoring rules allows easy submarine docking along the Mersey. He is also known to have several ‘free entry’ vouchers to the Beatles museum which need to be used by April.

The multi billionaire has used the magnetic ball system in every round of the FA cup draw this year allowing Chelsea an easy route to the semi finals and it is also rumoured to be a favoured method for picking the annual manager out of a hat. The trick almost backfired earlier this year when Abramovich famously forgot to remove the magnet from Avram Grant’s ball, and very nearly re-appointed the silver medalist.

FIFA will now look at alternative ways to select future ties and have also announced an investigation into magnetic goalposts and shin pads, thought to be the reason behind Frank Lampard’s tally of deflected goals.

TOM Hicks today strongly denied he had given Rafa Benitez a free reign of Liverpool Football Club after it was revealed the Spaniards new contract was signed directly onto the chairman’s bottom. At a press conference this morning Hicks bent over to the gathered media to present the contract which has been tattooed under the phrase ‘Rafa was here’ and a near perfect inking of Robbie Keane with an arrow pointing towards Hicks’ anus. For confused journalists Benitez merely chuckled ‘arse hole’.

the Anfield club has been surrounded by speculation of late, with Director Rick Parry shown the door earlier this year and increasing suggestion of unrest between Benitez and the Liverpool board. But Benitez has now ended doubt over his future by signing the new deal.

“I have always loved this club, but unitl now, chairman has been like wife, choosing the wall colour, hogging the TV remote and buying crap ornaments that don’t seem to add to decor.” Benitez added “now Rafa in control, today Liverpool, tomorrow the world” before breaking into slightly sadistic laughter for about six minutes.

Hicks, who was also sporting a new goatee and waving two Spanish flags throughout the conference was quick to quash roomers of a power handover. “Sir Rafa has not been given license to take over. Things will continue as normal”. Before Hicks could continue Benitez put him on a lead and tied him to a lamp post outside the building. He then returned to the press table to laugh smugly for another fifteen minutes.