The DA

TOM Hicks today strongly denied he had given Rafa Benitez a free reign of Liverpool Football Club after it was revealed the Spaniards new contract was signed directly onto the chairman’s bottom. At a press conference this morning Hicks bent over to the gathered media to present the contract which has been tattooed under the phrase ‘Rafa was here’ and a near perfect inking of Robbie Keane with an arrow pointing towards Hicks’ anus. For confused journalists Benitez merely chuckled ‘arse hole’.

the Anfield club has been surrounded by speculation of late, with Director Rick Parry shown the door earlier this year and increasing suggestion of unrest between Benitez and the Liverpool board. But Benitez has now ended doubt over his future by signing the new deal.

“I have always loved this club, but unitl now, chairman has been like wife, choosing the wall colour, hogging the TV remote and buying crap ornaments that don’t seem to add to decor.” Benitez added “now Rafa in control, today Liverpool, tomorrow the world” before breaking into slightly sadistic laughter for about six minutes.

Hicks, who was also sporting a new goatee and waving two Spanish flags throughout the conference was quick to quash roomers of a power handover. “Sir Rafa has not been given license to take over. Things will continue as normal”. Before Hicks could continue Benitez put him on a lead and tied him to a lamp post outside the building. He then returned to the press table to laugh smugly for another fifteen minutes.