The DA

DESPERATE punters were last night camping in packed out high streets waiting for the highly anticipated release of Phil Brown’s ‘Spit Report’ due to hit shelves this morning. The six hundred page thriller, based on a true story, has also been handed to the FA as evidence alleging Cesc Fabregas spat at Hull assistant Brian Horton, who is still in critical condition after the incident.

Critics and fans alike have seen the release as long overdue with some failing to see why a report about one bit of saliva could take so long to prepare. But Brown defended the book by saying ‘you’ve got to put the research in, I didn’t want to spell the lad’s name wrong. And Hull are doing c*** anyway so I’ve had little else to do.’

Brown kept fans entertained with a live reading of the opening page which began ‘now is the winter of our discontent, I’m playing 4-4-2 with Nick Barmby as playmaker.’ He went on to describe Brian Horton as ‘the saviour of Port Vale, kind of liked by Man City, an utter legend’ whilst describing Fabregas as ‘the new Satan, upgraded with a good passing range.’

The Arsenal captain has vigorously denied the spitting claims saying ‘I spit everywhere, if Brian Horton happens to be where I’m spitting, then yes, it’s likely to hit him. Is that my fault?’

One review of the report wrote ‘what utter dribble’.

FABIO Capello has given Michael Owen the biggest hint yet that his international career might be over after admitting he’d sooner call up Paul Furlong than the Newcastle hit man. He also concluded that Owen was part of English history and could be put in a similar bracket to ‘Woolworths’.

Capello was given a series of would you rather questions in which journalists presented the Italian with Owen or an alternative option. Out of the 50 scenarios put forward the England manager chose the other option 48 times with Owen narrowly coming out on top against a life sized Lego man, designed to look like Dion Dublin and a tube of Colgate Toothpaste. Capello did note the Colgate would have got the nod if it was match fit.

Players Owen lost out to included Dave Fisher, top scorer for the Sussex division 6 high fliers Dukes Head United and Ron Edwards, a traffic warden from Stafforshire who claims to have scored over 200 goals in a one on one game against his ten year old son.

Michael Owen said he was disapointed with the outcome but claimed ‘he hadn’t lost hope.’ He added ‘You could do a lot worse than a lego version of Dion Dublin. I’m honoured to be considered above him.’

CRAIG Bellamy admitted last night that he constantly punches himself in the face with frustration at the hand God dealt him. The Welsh international took time out from his busy schedule of moaning to confess that he really is as big a s*** as he looks and sometimes can’t even stand to sit and watch TV by himself.

‘I’m the kind of guy who will shout out the ending of a film half way through, even if no one’s around to hear it. I like to squirt a variety of household sauces at the screen and then complain that I can’t see what’s going on. Sometimes I just sit and shout swear words at Phillip Schofield and hope he can hear me. If I could write, I’d probably send him a nasty letter too.’

The revelation came in Bellamy’s post match interview, in which he told his Welsh team mates they couldn’t beat ‘the local bridge team’ whilst throwing his toys out of the pram at the fact not even Gareth Bale wanted to pass him the ball. He added ‘what’s with that guys face anyway?’

Bellamy went on ‘I hope I don’t sound like a broken record here, but everything I do seems to result in failure. People have said they would rather take a whizz on a train line than hold a conversation with me, I’m sick of it.’ In a curious coincidence, the BBC sports reporter conducting the interview was last night taken to Cardiff hospital in a critical condition after urinating on one of his own power cables.

EMILE Heskey has been told he could miss the rest of the season after coming down with a case of severe shock following his goal in England’s four nil win over Slovakia. Heskey said he felt ‘dazed and confused’ when he saw the ball bounce back off the right side of the post into the net, and despite attempting to restore order by missing a two yard sitter, eventually had to be substituted so he could lie down and think about what he’d done.

Heskey claimed ‘Everything was going fine. I’d shut my eyes, crossed my legs and was on the way over but the ball just seemed to hit me and go in that weird shaped frame thing. I can only apologise for what’s happened. It was a freak and I promise it won’t happen again.’

The incident has caused further complications, with the news that Carlton Cole and Peter Crouch were so gobsmacked by the finish, that they too will be sidelined; Cole with a serious case of the giggles and Crouch, with what is believed to be ‘flying pig’ syndrome, a rare condition where one unbelievable moment on the eye can lead to further bizarre illusions. Since the goal Crouch claims to have showered with Elvis Presley and helped plot a September moon landing with Wayne Rooney. He also promised to single handedly win the war on terror.

Around 3,000 spectators were taken to hospital as a precaution but all swiftly recovered after being shown a three minute short film of Heskey’s career highlights. One fan said ‘There’s just too many adverts before films nowadays, it was two minutes before the film even bloody started.’

SCOTLAND manager Craig Burley admitted he probably would have dropped Archie Gemmill had he scored the famous strike against the Dutch during Burley’s tenure. The former Ipswich town boss, who has come under criticism for axing any Scotland player who hints at having footballing ability, claims Gemmill acted ‘irresponsibly’ and should have put it out for a throw in long before he thought about ‘prancing his way through the Holland defence.’

‘You don’t see David Weir do that sort of thing do you? When you put on a Scotland shirt you do it with pride, not with talent. It’s about being a valiant loser no matter who you play, whether it be the Dutch or the Togo under 16’s. Gemmill was just a extravagant showman, who pays to see that?’

In a press conference held yesterday afternoon Burley was quick to praise his new generation of incompetents. ‘If you want to see some real talent how about talking about Chris Iwelumo? Missing an empty net whilst standing on the goal line is just a gift, you can’t teach that. You could put an entire nation in the same scenario and they’d be one outcome everytime. Chris does things no one else can. I’ve seen him miss the toilet bowl when he was sitting on it. Incredible stuff.’

Burley later denied claims he dropped Craig Gordon earlier this week because he saw him catching a bar of soap in the shower. He said ‘it was actually a sponge.’

DAVE Whelan revealed yesterday he is clearly the kind of man who can smell danger in the most unlikely of places, such as a mine field set to host a junior marathon. Through years of dedicated research and hours spent hidden away in his office (built painstakingly under a large rock during the mid 90’s) Whelan has discovered that Premier league football clubs paying astronomical wages to overpopulated employee lists, whilst relying on heavy loans or backing from one investor, who simply uses the club as a grown up toy, are in fact ‘f****d’.

‘It wasn’t easy, but it’s satisfying knowing the truth. Whilst other people swan along thinking everything’s rosy I’ll be making secure investments, starting with a couple of Icelandic centre halves I’ve got my eye on. Steve (Bruce) has assured me Iceland is the place to invest.’

Whelan’s research also concluded that the Pope is catholic, weekends start on Friday and Prime Minister Gordon Brown isn’t particularly good at the board game Monopoly.

Next week the Wigan Chairman plans to release damning reports claiming that the banks are in serious trouble and house prices could be about to fall. After analysing both his reports and noticing the correlations between them, Whelan added ‘there appears to be a strong link with incompetent Muppets arrogantly throwing around money they don’t actually have, and failure. You heard it here first.’

ENGLAND were reeling last night after a host of top stars pulled out of the international squad set to face Slovakia and Ukraine, due to hideous and terrifying injuries which will see them all sidelined for at least a week. Club doctors have insisted this is not a ploy to rest key players for the crucial end of season run in and claim the problems to all be ‘really really serious, in some cases, week ending.’

Steven Gerrard is suffering from mild bird flu and is on a strict course of fruit pastilles, whilst any player associated with Manchester United, past or present, felt a sharp pain from their implanted tracking devices and have been forced to return to Old Trafford in order for the club to investigate the technical hitch further.

John Terry and Frank Lampard have been ruled out due to a ‘title race strain’, which is not thought to be a physical problem, but mentally very demanding and Ashley Cole has suddenly realized what a complete p**** he is and is seeking immediate counselling.

The news will be a blow to England manager Fabio Capello who will now be forced to decide whether to forfeit the game or call up Titus Bramble. In a poll run by the Daily Mirror, 85% of fans opted to forfeit the game and just start a fight over something else.

SKY Sports raised their threat level to ‘incisive Manchester United counter attack’ last night after Setanta Sport agents turned the lights out on the big Monday night game billed by Sky for months as ‘the one you’ve been waiting for’. Those tuning in across the world to watch Dagenham and Redbridge take on highfliers Brentford were left bitterly disappointed to discover a floodlight failure had put an end to the action and several high ranked government officials, from a host of countries, are demanding explanation.

Sky has been at threat level ‘Rory Delap throw in’ since the new year after Steve McManaman filmed a poorly constructed interview claiming to have tampered with Richard Keys’ breaks. Keys was unharmed but Andy Gray described the incident as a ‘complete Craig Burley, pointless, annoying and pathetic.’ That was reportedly a direct response to Sky agents raiding McManaman’s house and removing the top four buttons from all his TV shirts, costing Setanta thousands of repulsed viewers.

The feud is likely to continue as the season draws to a dramatic climax but a Sky spokesperson has pleaded with Setanta not to take things too far. ‘We all know there is a hatred there, but let’s not get crazy. Gang warfare is fine but don’t go spoiling a classic encounter like Dagenham-Brentford. That’s just not cricket.’ Setanta have yet to fit a response into their very busy schedule.

PORTSMOUTH striker Peter Crouch has failed a routine ‘circus midgets’ test carried out following the 2-1 win over Everton. Crouch was being controlled by a group of four performers thought to have stolen a robotic android from government test labs. The 10 foot 8 suit was originally intended for use as a modern day scarecrow on genetically modified crop fields but was reported missing several months before Crouch signed professional terms with Tottenham Hotspur in 98.

The midgets, who can not be named for legal reasons, have been held in a detention centre for further questioning. Frida Kahlo, a bearded lady from Swanage, claims to be friends with the culprits. ‘It was a quite ingenious plan. Each one of them took responsibility for a body part and they ran it like clockwork between them. They thought they’d been found out a couple of years ago when the robot malfunctioned on the pitch and they lost control of the limbs. But instead it really just shot them to further fame.‘

In a surprise move by England manager Fabio Capello; Emile Heskey, Carlton Cole and Wayne Rooney have been dropped from the recently announced international squad to allocate room for Crouch’s midget controllers. FIFA are investigating the legality of this but it is understood, should it not be allowed, that Capello will turn to Jermaine Defoe, Andy Johnson, Aaron Lennon and Shaun Wright-Phillips to take command of the machine for the Slovakia game.

ALEX Ferguson was quick to defend star striker Wayne Rooney after the Manchester United forward was sent off in the 2-0 defeat away at Fulham. Rooney appeared to hurl the ball towards an official whilst yelling ‘you ****ing b*****. I’m gonna come round your house and **** your wife, p*** on the furniture and set fire to your ****ing car’.

But Ferguson believes the comments were all in good jest. ‘The lad wouldn’t hurt a fly… unless he gave a poor offside decision. It’s not like he assaulted the guy. If you’re going to send a player off every time he hints at destroying a man’s livelihood than you’d never finish a game.’

Rooney’s temper has often been bought into question but in a surprise reaction most out of the ordinary, Ferguson blamed the referee for Rooney’s discretion. ‘I don’t want to talk about the referee, but he’s obviously a complete p***y. If he can’t take a bit of banter and a ball being thrown at his head full pelt then he shouldn’t be officiating. He didn’t even find Wazza threatening him with a crowbar down the tunnel slightly amusing. For crying out loud, get a sense of humour.’

Rooney will now face a suspension and it is thought he’ll use the time off to write some poetry, help old ladies cross the street and build a shelter for under privileged children.