The Newcastle Frown Tale

The DA's Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.

Hello everybody and welcome to what will surely prove to be an action packed edition of the Newcastle Frown Tale. In fact, there’s so much footballing intrigue to cover that I was tempted to take a week’s ‘gardening leave’ from work. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for the all-singing, all-losing ex-Hull City t***er/manager Phil ‘the Entertainer’ Brown) I decided against it and still have a job waiting for me tomorrow morning. Unfortunately for Mr. Brown, I fear he REALLY does think he’s been given a bit of time off to sort out his rockery formation and drill the offside trap into his patch of chrysanthemums…


Former Hull City boss Phil Brown taking a time out with his squad at half-time to discuss the finer points of 'Biennial seeding' and 'cross-pollination

So first things first: the Middlesbrough game. I feel I am duty-bound to make a full and frank apology to any Boro fans who read last week’s tirade of negative opinion concerning their beloved team. Firstly, I’d like to offer my congratulations for being able to read this amendment – you’ve already gone up in my estimations (well done!). Secondly, on Saturday Gordon Strachan’s Middlesbrough team gave a very good account of themselves as they fought valiantly against their infamous North-East rivals, going ahead first and only losing out on all three points to a late Andy Carroll equaliser to draw the game 2-2. And finally, I would like to make it clear how extremely happy that you, the Boro fan, have finally found the right league for you and your team. In the Championship, Middlesbrough are almost certainly guaranteed a top half finish just below the play-off places, guaranteeing an exciting ‘Will they, won’t they…of course they won’t, what was I thinking’ experience for each and every member of the Boro faithful – incredible! Remember to say “Hello” to Portsmouth for me…

OK, mortal enemy one checked off this week’s hit-list. Who’s next…ah yes, Phil Brown. I feel I should provide you with a little bit of context into mine and Phil’s relationship. Basically, I thought he was fine until the very last day of the 2008-2009 Premier League Season, when Mr. Brown made the catastrophically bad decision to celebrate his team’s demolition of Manchester United’s Under 5’s (thus staying up at the expense of the Toon Army) by murdering ‘Sloop John B’ in front of thousands of ‘unfortunates’. It’s most likely that Mr. Brown has no regrets about that day, as he famously prefers a “pint of Guinness” to a “pint of hindsight”. Well let me tell you, the only thing I was drinking that day was a warm pint of lager topped with my own furious bile, and very nearly a chaser of vomit! Unfortunately for Phil, you can only go around acting like a c*** for a finite amount of time before your chairman thinks “F*** it, let’s just get Dowie in…”

On to some more positive news now and Newcastle’s promotion march picked up speed once again after a comprehensive 3-0 victory over Scunthorpe United, surprisingly one of only a handful of teams to have previously beaten Newcastle United this season. A brace from in-form Benicio Del Toro-lookalike Andy Carroll and yet another goal for Peter Lovenkrands secured a sixth consecutive home win for the Magpies, a feat last seen at the beginning of the 1994-1995 season (and alas, a young striker called Andy Cole ruined his career by moving to some two-bit team in Lancashire…whatever happened to him?). With Nottingham Forest falling quicker than a John Terry hit-and-run victim, it looks almost certain that Newcastle and West Brom will be the teams to ‘boing’ back up (and, more than likely ‘boing’ straight back down).

All that’s left is to wrap up this week’s blog with a look ahead to this weekend’s away game at Bristol City. On paper, the game is another three-pointer. Yet the Magpies have been no better than inconsistent away from home recently and will hope for the likes of Carroll, Guthrie and (of course) the Football League’s winner of the prestigious ‘Best player-who-really-shouldn’t-be-playing-at-this-level-Graham-Dorrans-is-better-though’ Award, Kevin Nolan, to pull them through once again.

Do you want the chance to have naming rights to the DA's quote of the day? Find out how on our Facebook page here (you could even name it after ‘Our Lord’ Graham Dorrans).


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'Please forgive me for being arrogant, but I am the Special one' says Dowie

Iain Dowie has called heads and beaten Gary Megson to the Hull City job early reports suggest. Dowie, the former QPR, Coventry, Newcastle, Crystal Palace, Charlton, blah blah someone and blah blah someone else United manager (the list was too long to research) has guaranteed Championship football to his new chairman Adam Pearson and believes he can deliver as soon as the end of March.

'People may have noticed but it's usually around early March I come out of from under my bridge. You know, that time when a club is literally so desperate they're thinking about pouring lighter fluid over the stadium and claiming the insurance money. I'm sure you've also noticed, every team I take charge of usually has to iron out the Premier League badge on their shirt pretty quickly. I will dispose of Hull City for you fine people.'

Dowie continued 'Please don't think I'm arrogant when I say this, but I am the special one at doing what I do. If you need a ship sinking, even if it's mooring just outside Oxfordshire on a sunny August day, I will find an iceberg.'


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FEATURE: Don't miss this

The name Darren Bent has been getting a bit too close to the term 'for England' recently... Really?



Similarly, The tired old line that Emile Heskey is a vital part of England's World Cup bid keeps getting repeated... Really?



Not that the DA has favorites, which is why we're not going to show this Peter Crouch video...

...but should Bent or Heskey (or heaven forbid Bobby f*****g Zamora) make it to South Africa this summer, here's a premonition of some of the action we might well see:




















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'Megson or Dowie inevitable' says Pearson

Hull City will spend most of their day speculating about ridiculous managerial icons that wouldn't be caught dead driving through Hull, let alone managing it's football club chairman Adam Pearson said last night. Pearson did concede however, that the decision would ultimately be a coin toss between Gary Megson and Iain Dowie.

Names likely to be suggested briefly and then laughed at continuously include Mark Hughes, Johan Cruyff and Felipe Scolari whilst the Hull Daily Echo is reporting sightings of Pele eating fish and chips at a Hessle service station.

Supporters have been quick to criticise the decision to put former boss Phil Brown on paid garden leave but Pearson was keen to defend the move. 'People forget that Phil's garden is actually in Hull. Believe me, sitting in it is not a reward for failure. Right now he'll probably be ducking behind his patio table, shotgun cocked desperately trying to fend off squatters. And possibly Dean Windass.'

Six Million Dollar man Surgeon to 'give it a go.'

England is now officially praying that the famous surgeon, who performed minor miracles on the Six Million Dollar man, allowing him to make that weird springy noise every time he jumped, will be able to cure David Beckham in time to make the World Cup squad this summer. Beckham is flying to Finland today to seek advice which is likely to start with 'gentleman, we can rebuild him... You've got health insurance right?'

Beckham's injury is a devastating blow to anyone who actually enjoys supporting the good guy and many are calling on FIFA to postpone the World Cup until the Achilles mends. Chief of the English supporters club Johnny England said 'I'm not sure I want John Terry to lift the World Cup really, or herpes ridden Ashley Cole for that matter. My sole purpose for cheering our boys on this summer is now Peter Crouch. If anyone touches him I swear to God I'll take my hammer to them.'

Beckham's surgery will take place live on Channel 5 replacing the scheduled Europa league second leg clash between Lille and Liverpool. A Channel 5 spokesmen defended the decision saying 'this has got a whole lot more to do with football than that had.'

What's on their mind?

The DA rounds up the weekend's action by checking up on some the star's Facebook statuses:

Brian Laws still can't quite believe Burnley didn't even glance over his CV.

Robbie Keane thinks playing against Sunday league teams is far more fun!

Manuel Pellegrini is wondering whether to be cheeky and ask Real Madrid for some more money to spend?

Jimmy Bullard only hit Barmby to impress the women's institute. Got a date with one on Tuesday.

Rafa Bentiez confirms that you can no longer mention the place names Wigan, Lille, Stoke, Reading and probably soon to be Portsmouth in my presence.

'Now we're really serious, now we're getting advice' say Red Knights

The Red Knights have the Glazer family quaking in their boots after it was revealed the group are seeking actual advice about how to take over a football club. Despite the fact that nearly all of the group in some shape or form own a f***ing bank, the caped crusaders still believe asking some other bank about money and s**t will prove they're 'dead serious.'

A spokesmen said 'our battle plan was previously all wrong. We'd scrolled down the idea of charging their draw bridge with former players and safety stewards before launching flaming arrows at their families but thankfully Nomura bank have stepped in and told us that's probably not the best way to go about things.'

'Our plan is to rescue this damsel in distress 'debt' from the watch tower and then sign Franck Ribery using £200 million of the King's finest currency.' The spokesmen added 'isn't it totally post modern that we're called the red knights and yet our battle colours are green and gold? How kick ass right?!!'