Students as young as the age of five will be taught how to kick a football into a goal net from 12 yards, as part of a new Government initiative to cut back on hours and hours of excruciating agony. In a move Prime Minister David Cameron claimed would finally put an end to the cocking up of barbeques across the country, the standard curriculum would see school children squaring up against an overly confident European goalkeeper whilst their classmates insulted their mother.

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Manchester City jester Brian Marwood has suggested that international football will kill the Premier League, not traipsing around the planet playing pointless games for lots of advertising money. Marwood believes that players are being damaged by the amount of minutes they’re being forced to play and is also concerned his jester hat isn’t quite funny enough.

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Beatles announce they’ll almost come back

On March 7, 2012, in News, by editor

The Beatles have announced they’ll almost come back, but actually won’t. The decision to almost come back was made official by Sir Paul McCartney who went on to say ‘we nearly did, but actually f*** it, no let’s not.’

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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has revealed plans to stick hapless defender Laurent Koscielny upfront and tell him to defend AC Milan’s goal. The tactic is a last ditch attempt to score 5 goals past their Champions League opponents and Wenger has advised Koscielny to mark Robin Van Persie.

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Abramovich uses precog to fire Benitez

On March 5, 2012, in News, by editor

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has used ‘Precog’ technology, as seen in the Hollywood movie Minority report, to fire new manager Rafa Benitez after the former Liverpool boss look set to lose his opening match against Birmingham City. The Precog was seen to leap up in shock screaming ‘Nooo, not Marlon King!’ before swaying from side to side and repeating the word ‘fact’.

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Head of corruption success stories FIFA will launch an investigation after a team managed by Peter Taylor actually won a game. The former England interim boss, now manager of Bahrain oversaw his team demolish Indonesia 10-0 leaving many left questioning ‘Taylor, was he the same Taylor who managed Leicester? No, he wouldn’t win a game.’

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England’s mystery captain set to be Mr Motivator

On February 29, 2012, in News, by editor

Caretaker England manager Stuart Pearce is set to throw Holland a curve ball ahead of this evening’s friendly by announcing the charismatic Mr Motivator as England team captain. Motivator qualifies for English citizenship having spent much of his life in the UK and having never represented his native Jamaica at international level.

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Business reports profit after selling stuff

On February 28, 2012, in News, by editor

A business has reported a profit after selling stuff at a reasonable mark-up, thought to be the first situation of it’s kind in the UK. Arsenal Football Club took two assets they had purchased several years previously and sold them to customers at a much higher cost, delivering the profitable results and leaving Prime Minister David Cameron to call the strategy ’simply remarkable.’

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Stand in boss Stuart Pearce has proved he’s the right man to lead England forward by doing his hair. The former Nottingham Forest captain chose a tidy side parting and even wore subtle cufflinks with ‘boss’ written on them, which he purchased from Burton’s Menswear 2 hours before the press conference.

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