
The DA's Dan Green continues his journey of discovery, mystery and away trips to Barnsley.
Hello everybody and welcome to what will surely prove to be an action packed edition of the Newcastle Frown Tale. In fact, there’s so much footballing intrigue to cover that I was tempted to take a week’s ‘gardening leave’ from work. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for the all-singing, all-losing ex-Hull City t***er/manager Phil ‘the Entertainer’ Brown) I decided against it and still have a job waiting for me tomorrow morning. Unfortunately for Mr. Brown, I fear he REALLY does think he’s been given a bit of time off to sort out his rockery formation and drill the offside trap into his patch of chrysanthemums…

Former Hull City boss Phil Brown taking a time out with his squad at half-time to discuss the finer points of 'Biennial seeding' and 'cross-pollination
So first things first: the Middlesbrough game. I feel I am duty-bound to make a full and frank apology to any Boro fans who read last week’s tirade of negative opinion concerning their beloved team. Firstly, I’d like to offer my congratulations for being able to read this amendment – you’ve already gone up in my estimations (well done!). Secondly, on Saturday Gordon Strachan’s Middlesbrough team gave a very good account of themselves as they fought valiantly against their infamous North-East rivals, going ahead first and only losing out on all three points to a late Andy Carroll equaliser to draw the game 2-2. And finally, I would like to make it clear how extremely happy that you, the Boro fan, have finally found the right league for you and your team. In the Championship, Middlesbrough are almost certainly guaranteed a top half finish just below the play-off places, guaranteeing an exciting ‘Will they, won’t they…of course they won’t, what was I thinking’ experience for each and every member of the Boro faithful – incredible! Remember to say “Hello” to Portsmouth for me…
OK, mortal enemy one checked off this week’s hit-list. Who’s next…ah yes, Phil Brown. I feel I should provide you with a little bit of context into mine and Phil’s relationship. Basically, I thought he was fine until the very last day of the 2008-2009 Premier League Season, when Mr. Brown made the catastrophically bad decision to celebrate his team’s demolition of Manchester United’s Under 5’s (thus staying up at the expense of the Toon Army) by murdering ‘Sloop John B’ in front of thousands of ‘unfortunates’. It’s most likely that Mr. Brown has no regrets about that day, as he famously prefers a “pint of Guinness” to a “pint of hindsight”. Well let me tell you, the only thing I was drinking that day was a warm pint of lager topped with my own furious bile, and very nearly a chaser of vomit! Unfortunately for Phil, you can only go around acting like a c*** for a finite amount of time before your chairman thinks “F*** it, let’s just get Dowie in…”
On to some more positive news now and Newcastle’s promotion march picked up speed once again after a comprehensive 3-0 victory over Scunthorpe United, surprisingly one of only a handful of teams to have previously beaten Newcastle United this season. A brace from in-form Benicio Del Toro-lookalike Andy Carroll and yet another goal for Peter Lovenkrands secured a sixth consecutive home win for the Magpies, a feat last seen at the beginning of the 1994-1995 season (and alas, a young striker called Andy Cole ruined his career by moving to some two-bit team in Lancashire…whatever happened to him?). With Nottingham Forest falling quicker than a John Terry hit-and-run victim, it looks almost certain that Newcastle and West Brom will be the teams to ‘boing’ back up (and, more than likely ‘boing’ straight back down).
All that’s left is to wrap up this week’s blog with a look ahead to this weekend’s away game at Bristol City. On paper, the game is another three-pointer. Yet the Magpies have been no better than inconsistent away from home recently and will hope for the likes of Carroll, Guthrie and (of course) the Football League’s winner of the prestigious ‘Best player-who-really-shouldn’t-be-playing-at-this-level-Graham-Dorrans-is-better-though’ Award, Kevin Nolan, to pull them through once again.
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